John Blumenthal

For some white male voters, presidential elections boil down to one crucial question: "Which candidate would you rather invite to a barbecue?" In 2000, these guys chose George W. Bush over Al Gore.

In other words, an idiot won the presidency because a bunch of white males thought he'd...

Emoticons and smiley faces are nauseating enough, but "LOL" really drives me nuts. Call me a curmudgeon, but whenever I see those three idiotic letters, I either cringe or FLTU (Feel Like Throwing Up.)

First of all, very few people laugh out loud, especially at Facebook entries, most of...

Rumor has it that men like sex more than anything. Okay, maybe some of them like beer and sports better, but never mind that. Every society has its share of nitwits.

Maybe you haven't heard the news lately ladies, but for reasons only they comprehend, Republican men are waging...

In 1999, I decided to self-publish a novel. I'd sold books to mainstream houses in the past, but no one wanted this one. But I believed in it. My agent believed in it. My wife believed in it. The dog was neutral.

Of course, people had self-published before, but using...

In their eternal crusade to ensure that all Americans have a fair and equal right to vote, Republican legislators throughout the nation have recently proposed the following new bills:

1. Ohio: In an attempt to clamp down on voter fraud, several Republican state senators have introduced a measure that...

For those men who take for granted the concept of oral contraception, let's pretend that it's 1958 and there's no pill. What were your contraceptive options back then?

First, there was the prophylactic. A disease preventative, yes, but also an exasperating hassle.

Back in 1958, just buying a...

Fill me in, Mitt. How exactly do you Mormons baptize someone who's not only dead, but most likely not even in the neighborhood? I assume you get a guy in a white robe to immerse a pretend person in something filled with water. Or, to keep it simple, he might...

God, I love President Santorum. Thanks to him, I'm a person now! I mean, embryos have got to be people, right? And six months ago, Congress declared that ova are people. So it's only fair. I mean, I'm half the equation, right?

Free at last! Free at last!

One of the most boneheaded expressions in the English language is the one that describes old age as "The Golden Years." Who came up with that one? Probably not an actual old person. I mean, what's so golden about walking into a room and forgetting why you're there or feeling...

One of the highlights of Thursday's Republican debate in South Carolina -- and a moment that the audience found particularly exhilarating -- was Newt Gingrich's lambasting of debate moderator John King for leading off the proceedings by asking a personal question about Gingrich's marriage, specifically the charge that...

Jon Huntsman is smart enough to have known from the outset that he had no chance of winning the Republican nomination for president in 2012. Simply put, he's too moderate for today's crowd of ultra-right wing conservatives and he knows it. Barry Goldwater would be considered too moderate for today's...

Hello Americans! Greetings from Germany! My name is Hans. I wish to tell you that the man you call Mitt (this is a real name?) is quite correct. Germany is a very bad place to live. We have so many problems!

I give you an example. Every year, I...

John Blumenthal:

Infidelity among couples over fifty is on the rise. Most marriage counselors advise husbands and wives to be vigilant. Look for trends. An early sign of a trend might be if your spouse cheated on you during your honeymoon.

Infidelity is one of the primary causes of...

Infidelity among couples over fifty is on the rise. Most marriage counselors advise husbands and wives to be vigilant. Look for trends. An early sign of a trend might be if your spouse cheated on you during your honeymoon.

Infidelity is one of the primary causes of divorce, along...

1. If you drop dead of a heart attack on a putting green and your golf club accidentally knocks the ball into the hole, does it count?

2. Is it against the law to put a handicapped sticker on a Maximum Destructor Crash Monster Truck?

3. How much time...

Screen name: TiffanyGuy$$$

Age: 68

Married, Divorced or Single? It's complicated

Religion: Not a Mormon.

What Are You Looking for in a Woman? I'm searching for that special woman who will understand and appreciate that I'm cheating on her for purely patriotic reasons because the fate of the nation depends...

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could...

Even though I'm over fifty, I still groan at the vivid memory of high school gym class which, for me, was an exercise (no pun intended) in torture. Three times a week, we were required to climb ropes (useful on a resume), perform push-ups (read: lie face down on the...

Actually, I'm a barber. I've been doing Mitt's hair for years. He tried an expensive Beverly Hills hair stylist once -- Raoul -- but the guy took too much off the top and Mitt had to go into hiding for a month. Mitt's very particular about his hair. Once, he...

It's probably safe to assume that everybody's bucket list is different. For example, if you don't have much imagination, you might put, "Learn How to Fold Laundry" on your list. If you're more adventurous, you might write, "Have an Affair with Wife's Best Friend." If you're really daring you might...