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If Historical Figures Had Posted on Facebook...

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Marie Antoinette

Darn it, I said something dumb the other day. It was about cake. I thought everybody loved cake, but some people misinterpreted it and now I'm getting a lot of static about it. Why are people so sensitive? OMG.

Jane Austen

Great news! My agent says sales of Pride and Prejudice are taking off. It's #17 on the Amazon bestseller list under the "Romance" category. Prime members can get it for free and the Kindle is only $1.99. Take a look. Here's the link to my website.

Napoleon

Hey guys, has anyone ever been to Elba? They're sending me there next week. They say I need a vacation. Are the beaches any good? How cold does it get in the evenings? Do I need to bring a sweater? Josephine doesn't want to go but that's okay cause I'm kinda looking forward to meeting some -- wink, wink -- babes.

St. Luke

Had a great dinner last night. The whole gang was there -- Jesus, Mark, Judas, John, etc. I ordered short ribs (to die for!), and John and Mark shared a Caesar Salad. For some reason, Judas was kinda weird. The service was good, but the poor waiter had to stand around for 10 minutes while we divvied up the check between the 12 of us. LOL.

Abraham Lincoln

Ugh. I have to make a speech at Gettysburg next week, but I don't know how to start it. Mary says it's always wise to begin a speech with a joke to get the audience's attention, but I'm not sure that's appropriate, 'cause it's gotta be kind of a eulogy thing. Can anyone suggest a joke?

Julius Caesar

Brutus unfriended me yesterday. What's up with that?

Charles Darwin

I went to the zoo yesterday. Love the chimpanzees!!!! One of them threw some poop at me (ha, ha), and it suddenly occurred to me that they look kinda human, only with more hair and stuff. Nah, that's probably just my crazy imagination.

Thomas Jefferson

If this keeps up, Adams will surely drive me nuts. Today, he suggested that we "liven" up the declaration with some cartoons. Cartoons! Here I am, attempting to write a serious political thingie and this dork is only concerned with sales.

Pharaoh Ramses II

Moses came to visit again. What have I done to deserve this friggin' dude? This is not cool. I mean, haven't I got enough trouble just trying to get these pyramids to look right? Fine, turn the Nile to blood, see if I care. Grrrr.

Eva Braun

I think I finally met Mr. Right!!!! When he entered the butcher shop where I work, he asked me if we had any knockwurst. I lead him to the sausage section and I could feel his eyes on me while he fondled some potatoes. I'm not wild about the mustache, but he seemed nice. : =)

Pablo Picasso

I painted a portrait of my wife yesterday, but she hates it because she thinks the eyes are in the wrong place. She told me to stick to landscapes and pictures of lighthouses. Maybe she's right.

George Washington

Romney and Ryan? Are you f***king kidding me?