In their eternal crusade to ensure that all Americans have a fair and equal right to vote, Republican legislators throughout the nation have recently proposed the following new bills:
1. Ohio: In an attempt to clamp down on voter fraud, several Republican state senators have introduced a measure that would require all voters to produce four types of identification, including a driver's license, a valid birth certificate, a note from their stockbroker and a copy of their prep school yearbook.
"Fraud has been rampant in Ohio," claims Assemblyman Arnold Cake. "Last year there were three incidents in which registered Democrats were able to manipulate the Diebold voting machines so that their votes were actually recorded for the person they voted for."
2. Wisconsin: Recently, Wisconsin legislators voted to slash the budget of the state's printing office. This austerity measure included radical cutbacks in personnel, paper and ink quality.
In a radio interview on the printing issue, Republican Assemblyman Steve Nostril of Madison stated: "Is it possible that a candidate's name will be unreadable on the ballot because the ink is smeared? Will it be possible that his or her name might not appear on the ballot at all? Is it possible that we'll run out of ballots in certain neighborhoods? Sure."
3. Florida: A new measure, just introduced in the assembly, states that voters who wish to receive an absentee ballot must prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they have a good excuse for not showing up in person at the polls. A few examples of the bill's new requirements:
In order to receive an absentee ballot, hospital patients on Medicare or Medicaid must produce a note from their doctor, a get well card from a person named Gladys and a fresh urine sample no older than two days (stool samples will not be accepted.).
Elderly voters, who claim to be too infirm to get to the polls will be required to send, via Express Mail, a copy of their birth certificate, two photos of their liver spots, a tire strip from a wheelchair and a signature written in a shaky hand.
4. Arizona: According to Assembly Bill 564B, now circulating through the legislature, voter registration forms that were filled out in front of Whole Foods grocery stores, union meeting halls, public schools, Mexican restaurants, college campuses or Jewish delis will no longer be accepted.
"This bill is meant to ensure that these documents are not lost in boxes of organic produce or stained by enchiladas or chopped liver, or soaked with beer at frat parties," said legislative aide Thomas Shoe. "What if a voter's name is obscured by cream cheese or hot sauce and we can't read it? We're simply trying to make sure that everybody gets a chance to vote."
Another section of the bill contains the following provision: If you do not a have a valid driver's license, you must secure one at least thirty days before Election Day. The cost will be the same as always, but fees will have to be paid in hundred dollar bills, for which the DMV, due to budget cuts, will not be required to offer change.
5. Michigan: Michigan recently passed the "Voter Safety Law," designed to guarantee the well-being of voters who take public transportation to the polls. All bus drivers will be instructed to drive especially slowly and carefully. Only the safest routes to polling places will be taken, even if that requires the vehicle to go through Canada to get there. It is suggested that voters bring sleeping bags and trail mix.
"Safety is out greatest priority," Assemblyman Fred Paste told reporters. "Besides, Canada is pretty nice in November, although I've never been there."