07/20/2012 02:07 pm ET | Updated Sep 19, 2012

Internet Dating's Answer to --

Helpful Tips for Filling Out Your Profile.

Profile Photo: Use your best photo, not your worst. For example, if you recently punched yourself in the eye and it's purple and half-shut, or you accidentally set your hair on fire with a blowtorch, or there's a kabob skewer lodged in your nostril, we'd strongly advise you to use another picture.

Your screen name: No, don't use your real name. Make one up. Try to make it sound like you're witty and intelligent. Okay, that's a stretch but use your imagination. What does "imagination" mean? Nevermind. Examples of bad screen names would be: "ToothlessGal," "ToenailFungusDude," "IGotZits" or "PregnantLady."

Where do you live? No, do not enter your full address. Just the city or state. If you're not sure where you live, ask someone who is smarter than you, which would probably be just about anybody.

What is your profession? If your salary doesn't have at least one comma in it, say something vague and mysterious enough to keep your potential date guessing, such as, "Not a rocket scientist."

Single, married, divorced, separated or widowed?
Way too many choices for you to figure out, so just put "Yes."

What color are your eyes, hair etc? We know this is complicated, so you might want to look in the mirror for this. If you do, make sure your eyes are open. We'd suggest you also include your height and weight, but that would require math skills, so we won't.

Your age: This will also require some math skills. Subtract the year you were born from 2012. If you were born in 1982 and the number you come up with is 83, you did something wrong.

What's your sign? Stumped already? We mean astrological sign, not the tattoo of a misspelled word on your forehead or the lawn poster you made all by yourself that says, "Keep Off The Glass."

What's your favorite sport?
(Come up with something that your potential date might also do for enjoyment. This will give you something in common. For example, "sitting in a chair" is a good sport because it's something you do a lot and, at least for you, it requires some degree of coordination and concentration. Your potential date probably does it too and it would be great fun to do it with him/her. You could trade interesting chair-sitting adventures. Striking up conversations and completing them is a crucial part of the dating process. Note: The word "um" is not considered a conversation.)

What's your favorite book? Dangerous territory here. The Bible is always a good choice, but do not reveal that it's the coloring book version.

What are your innermost thoughts? Don't even bother.

What are you looking for in a date? Always be realistic -- in your case, the perfect date would be someone who can chew gum and chew gum at the same time. Don't say, "Someone who knows his/her way around a bedroom." Most Moroniacs need a GPS to find the night table. If you're a guy, don't say "she has to have big breasts" because she'll misread it and think you said "big beasts," which could be problematical if she doesn't own a large circus animal. If you're a woman, don't say "big dick," because he'll think you mean a tall guy named Richard.

Describe your perfect first date:
Try something innocently romantic like going to Denny's and having an intellectual discussion about whether pancakes are really cakes. Or, sit in front of a roaring fire and watch a film that will give your date insight into your emotional depth. We'd suggest Dumb and Dumber. Helpful hint: Make sure the roaring fire takes place in the fireplace, not on the carpeting.

A few possible other first date activities: Remember guys, women like to watch sunsets. Helpful hint: These mostly occur in the western part of the sky. Remember gals, men like to watch sunsets too. Helpful hint: If you believe that, you're stupider than we thought.