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James Madison Confesses: 'I Was Drunk When I Wrote the Second Amendment'

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Seriously? Do you NRA dimwits really think this crazy shit was what I meant when I came up with the Second Amendment? Are you kidding me? Maybe we didn't have your technology in 1787, but clearly we Founders were a hell of a lot smarter than you are. (Well I was smart anyway. Washington wasn't really that bright. Hamilton was no genius. Adams? Don't get me started.)

But never mind that.

Frankly, I wish I'd never even written that boneheaded amendment. What was I thinking? In retrospect, perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to drink all that wine right before the convention. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep it off. In fact, I was so bombed, I made a spelling error in my first draft, when I wrote, "the right of the people to keep and bare arms shall not be infringed." Just think how much better that would have been -- you wouldn't have a constitutional right to own a gun, but you would have the right to pull up your sleeves. But Tommy Jefferson, who was a little OCD, corrected it.

Now the damn thing has gotten all misconstrued.

For starters, do you really think you need an assault weapon to protect your home against intruders? How often does that happen? You're in bed, you hear a noise (which is probably the cat), you grab your assault weapon out of your closet, you pad downstairs in your comfy slippers, you hear the noise again and then you pump 30 rounds into your drapes. Nice going, Dillinger.

Here's an interesting development. I love this one. You morons allow people to carry concealed weapons. Oh please. So you can do what? Shoot somebody who double-dipped a cracker in the hummus?

And how come, when one of your numerous deranged nutcases decides to shoot twenty people at a mall, nobody in the crowd ever seems to have a concealed weapon except him?

And now you need an Uzi to kill a deer? This is what you call hunting, Davy Crockett? Are you kidding me? You can't eat a deer if it has six-hundred bullet holes in it, unless you don't mind cracking a crown. Nobody really likes venison anyway. It's gamey.

And how many of you lamebrains have accidentally shot yourselves or an innocent bystander or your neighbor's Camry? Or all three at the same time?

Clearly, being loaded is not a good state to be in when you're writing a constitution. In retrospect, I should have been more specific and worded it differently, giving American citizens "...the right to keep and bear harmless shitty weapons like muskets so you can maybe shoot something if it's not moving..."

That's right folks, I was talking about muskets. One lousy bullet per shot. Half the time, the goddamn thing blew up in your face. Or the bullet got stuck in the chamber. Or it just fell out of the barrel. And even if you could fire the damn thing, it almost always missed the target by a mile.

And, do you have any idea how long it took to load? Ten minutes! There was the powder and the flint and the wadding paper and the ramrod and all this other crap. Sometimes, you had to sit down to do it. You could have knitted a nice pair of socks instead. And if it rained or you dropped it in a lake, you were out of business.

Okay, maybe I misjudged future technology. My bad. You folks seem to have a lot of ingenuity for developing weapons, but where's the cure for cancer?

As for the part about forming militias to topple a lousy government? Guess what? You have a lousy government right now -- Congress -- and I don't see any fireworks. Besides, that's kind of a long shot (no pun intended) isn't it? You've got a Glock. Whoopee. They've got the atomic bomb. Good luck with that.

You want to topple the government? Try voting. I assume you still have that right. What? Not so much in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida?

I know I speak on behalf of all the other signers of the Constitution when I say this to you NRA folks: "If that's a pistol in your pocket, chances are you'll accidentally shoot yourself in the nuts."