Corneal Transplant: No surgeon. Just a socket wrench and a marble.
Diabetes: Ten diluted shots of insulin and a Value Pack of sugarless gum.
Medications: A road map to Toronto and a pair of mittens.
Colonoscopy: No gastroenterologist. Just a waterproof mini-camera attached to a garden hose.
Cancer: A card that says "Good Luck."
Acupuncture: Twelve sewing needles and a Chinese dictionary.
Depression: No shrink. Just a greeting card that says "Cheer Up."
Alzheimer's: A bouquet of Forget-Me-Nots from in a glass vase.
Anesthesia: No anesthesiologist. Just a copy of Marcel Proust's "Remembrance of Things Past," or a bottle of Southern Comfort and a hammer.
Tourette syndrome: A roll of duct tape.
Hospital Stay: One hour on a hospital basement floor and an IV made from a Ziploc Bag.
Tooth Extraction: No dentist. Just a string and a doorknob.
Hearing Aid: A hat that says, "Talk Louder."
Amputation: No surgeon. Just a hacksaw.
Anemia: Two frozen steaks from Costco.
Severed Finger: A tube of Krazy Glue.
Transfusion: Some red liquid that looks like blood.
Wheelchair: Two used bicycle wheels attached to a garage sale kitchen chair.
Blindness: A leash.
Erectile Dysfunction: A bicycle pump.
Radiation Therapy: A visit to a nuclear power plant.
A Doctor Visit: Ten minutes with a serious-looking guy in a lab coat.
Diarrhea: A cork.