Screen name: TiffanyGuy$$$
Married, Divorced or Single? It's complicated
Religion: Not a Mormon.
What Are You Looking for in a Woman? I'm searching for that special woman who will understand and appreciate that I'm cheating on her for purely patriotic reasons because the fate of the nation depends on my infidelity. Also, she should be healthy. Very, very healthy.
She must be a First Lady type, but better looking than Eleanor Roosevelt. Intellect is not a requirement.
Do You Have or Want Children? I have two great kids. I love children, especially if they're well-rounded. I think it's important for kids to know about history and geography and literature and furnaces and mopping floors and fixing stopped-up toilets.
Where Do You Live? Mainly, I live in my brain, where I formulate large ideas. I have a very active, complex mind and it comes up with all kinds of profound thought-provoking, earth-shattering notions like "The Contract On America." Sorry, I mean "The Contract With America."
As for my actual residence? I don't mean to sound like an arrogant, inflated, egotistical blowhard, but right now I'm looking at carpet swatches for the Oval Office. (Of course, I'm not an arrogant, inflated, egotistical blowhard, but giving that impression makes voters think I have more gravitas than the other whackos on the clown bus.)
Education: Ph.D from Tulane University, Ph.D from Tulane University and Ph.D from Tulane University. Did I mention that I have a Ph.D from Tulane University?
Profession: Former House Speaker, author, presidential candidate, close personal friend and admirer of Donald Trump, bank historian and lobbyist. (Sorry, that might be redundant -- bank historian and lobbyist are actually the same thing, except if you're a bank historian, you have to go to meetings and blurt out non-sequiturs like "Millard Fillmore," or "The War of 1812," every now and then to earn your salary.)
Income: Sorry, if I gave you an exact amount, I'd probably be indicted. Ha ha. But it's a lot. Let me put it this way -- I have my own personal parking space at Tiffany's. Wink, wink. Whenever I go in, they call me "Mr. President."
Hobbies: Oh my goodness! There are so money... er... I mean many. I like to think a lot. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the terrific people who live in the great state of Iowa. Wonderful people. Intelligent people. Not as intellectual as me (no one is), but smart. I know that because I have a Ph.D from Tulane University.
I also like to test couches to see if they're comfortable. I once tested one with Nancy Pelosi. We were just testing the couch, that's all.
Being a historian, I love to read biographies of the greatest men in world history -- people like Plato, Julius Caesar, George Washington and Ronald Reagan. Did I mention that I have a Ph.D from Tulane University?
I'm a romantic at heart. On those special evenings, I love to sit by a fireplace with the woman I love and drink root beer. I also love to take long romantic walks on the beach in my Speedo, my favorite black socks and my flip-flops. (Oops. Did I say flip-flops? Sorry Mitt.)
Favorite Word: Presidency.
Least Favorite Word: Ethics.
Follow John Blumenthal on Twitter: www.twitter.com/john_blumenthal