THE BLOG
04/22/2013 03:47 pm ET | Updated Jun 22, 2013

Paleo Man Debunks the Paleo Diet

Seriously? You've based a health diet on my eating habits? That's hilarious! Folks, a habit is something you do a lot. If I ate anything at all, it was a miracle.

Here's a typical carte du jour of my culinary intake:

Breakfast: Nothing.

Lunch: Nothing.

Dinner: A stick.

According to this diet of yours, we Paleos ate lots of meat, veggies, seafood, nuts and seeds but we avoided grains, sugars, dairy, starches, glutens and legumes. Supposedly that's how we stayed healthy and lost weight. May I laugh now?

First of all, I don't know what the hell legumes are but if there were any around I sure as hell ate them. Same goes for grains and starches. Being gluten-free wasn't a big issue for me. If someone had offered me a milkshake with antibiotics in it, French fries and a processed baloney sandwich on whole wheat bread, you think I would've said "No thanks, I'm watching my cholesterol"?

Losing weight was not a goal for us either, folks. Eating bark doesn't make you fat. All of us were hideously thin in those days. In fact, if you had actual flesh on your body, you were considered suspicious.

Were we healthy? Oh yeah, if you overlook the boils, fevers, headaches, rashes, fungus, open sores that didn't heal, the occasional limb that turned purple and fell off, assorted excruciating pains everywhere -- you get the picture. Don't even get me started on teeth. The only thing we didn't suffer from was hair loss.

Here's a typical day in my pathetic life: Maybe I wake up, maybe I don't. My wife Urghfin and I gather some dirt for breakfast. She says, "Migbik, go out and catch something for dinner. Try not to get eaten by an animal or killed by the other tribe that lives in the cul-de-sac. I'll see if I can find a soft rock for an appetizer."

Did we eat lots of meat? Are you kidding? Once in a while, I would try to kill a boar. More often, the boar would come dangerously close to killing me and my entire family, all of whom were half dead anyway because of malnutrition. Boars could run very quickly (we used to call them "fast food") and they had attitude.

Keep one thing in mind, dieters -- in those days people were still part of the food chain, a fairly slow-moving part of the food chain, so we ran away a lot which was another reason we lost weight - we were always exercising but not by choice.

Sure, in those days all the animals were grass-fed. So what? How did we benefit from that if we couldn't catch them? If we found a dead, rotting grass-fed carcass, we would eat it. But the next day a weird thing would happen. Foul-smelling fluids would shoot out of our mouths and that hole in our butts. It took us nine-hundred years to make the connection.

Yes, I'll admit it, we were pretty stupid. You know why? Low blood sugar.

Seafood? Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you have to live near the sea to get seafood. I had a scum pond nearby but when was the last time you tried to catch a minnow with a rock?

Besides, how do you even know what we ate? You think we scribbled the day's menu on our cave walls? No, we drew pictures of things we wanted to eat, which was anything at all. Evidently, you have not yet found the cave wall where I scribbled pictures of my dream food -- donuts.

Here's another thing I don't get about your diet: It's supposed to make you live longer. Unfortunately, nobody I knew wanted to live longer. I don't know how long I really lived but I knew a sage named Gurk who could tell time because he studied that bright thing in the sky which he said we could reach if we had a ladder. For some reason, he was blind.

Gurk prophesied that I would live to the ripe old age of twenty but if I avoided legumes I could live three days longer.