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We Are Not Irrelevant! The RNC's Secret Memo to Republicans

04/03/2013 07:31 pm ET | Updated Jun 03, 2013

Fellow Republicans: As you know, our party is in a wilderness right now so it is incumbent upon us to blast our way out of this jungle of doom with a veritable buckshot spray of repackaged ideas.

Some people say we're out of touch. Stuff and nonsense!

First off, we can get young voters on our side if we learn how to relate to their culture. Join that new Internet social networking site they call "Myspace." Pepper your speeches with the latest hep slang words like "neato," "dipstick, " "What's buzzin,' cousin?" and "Daddy-O." Talk about the latest computer games like Pong and pander to their musical tastes, such as the rockin' jive tunes of the Beach Boys and Petula Clark.

Yes we can get women voters back too. (Did we just say "Yes we can"? Oops). We just have to try harder to appeal to their interests. What do today's modern women like? They like to knit and bake pies and vacuum the house and prepare dinner for their husbands, like a nice tuna casserole. Other women have jobs as secretaries. We need to support a woman's choice to do either of those things.

What about the gays? Is there any hope for us there? Probably not.

Folks, the ethnic landscape of America has changed. We need to appeal to the following three minority groups -- Hispanics, Latinos and Chicanos. Obviously it will be impossible for us to support the Dream Act now because we once supported it. We cannot allow ourselves to ever support anything that we once supported. That would be hypocrisy!

We need to sugarcoat this fence idea. Tell them we need a fence to keep out pesky raccoons. Or make them believe we think it will enhance the value of the property. We could even cover it in ivy so it doesn't look like a fence. Better yet, let's give them an employment boost and pay them to build it.

The elderly don't like what we stand for. We have to speak the language of old people, which means we just have to say everything a lot louder and a lot slower. And since old people are cheap and love bargains, we can get them on our side by referring to Medicare "vouchers" as Medicare "discount coupons."

We don't do too well with Native Americans either, but Bobby Jindal's an Indian so he can help us out there. To show solidarity with our Indian brethren, maybe we need to become fans of teams like the Washington Redskins and the Atlanta Braves.

Just as Bobby says, we have to stop saying stupid things. We've tried for years to cut school spending so that voters will not be educated enough to tell when we say stupid things. This has evidently not succeeded as well as we thought it would.

George W. Bush got elected by saying stupid things, but Todd Akin lost. Go figure. Maybe we need to say stupider things? Is that even possible? Frankly, we do not understand why this approach is not working for us anymore. It's always been a reliable part of our overall strategy. We may need to appoint a panel of experts to look into this. Could you get the ball rolling on that Sarah? Maybe Michele is available.

Yes, we can be the party of the future! (Oops, did we say, "Yes we can" again? Sorry).

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