02/25/2014 11:15 am ET Updated Apr 27, 2014

What Clarence Thomas Thinks About During Court Hearings

I wonder what kind of panties Lawyer Lady is wearing. Black lace? V-kini? Gulp... thong? More importantly, is she even wearing a bra? If I asked her a question -- which would shock everybody in the room, not to mention the media -- that's what I would ask. Technically it's not a legal question but does it always have to be about the law?

OMG. Now Kagan is asking the questions. That woman could cure insomnia. I'll be here all day. I mean, who wants to listen to all this endless chatter about whatnot all the time?

Oh no, I feel like I have to fart. Dammit! If I cut one under the robe, will anybody smell it? Maybe I can contain the odor in the fabric. Should I chance it? All these damn decisions! Maybe I should cough just as I'm about to fart so nobody will hear it. Or I could fart and then look at Breyer so everybody will think it was him. I shouldn't have had those damn Brussels sprouts for dinner last night. And I left my Beano in my office again. Grrr.

I wonder if Breyer likes ice cream.

Now it's Scalia's turn to showboat. Why does he even bother? We both know how we're going to vote. Do me a favor, Anontin, please shut the hell up so I can have lunch. Hm. Should I have a burger today or a salad? I've been putting on a few extra pounds so maybe a salad is the way to go. But I hate salads. I could compromise and have fish. Salmon or trout? Decisions, decisions. Oh the hell with it -- I'll have a pizza. Pepperoni or sausage? Green peppers or onions? These are complex questions to grapple with. I'll consult Scalia. He always makes these tough decisions for me.

Did Alito just catch me ogling Lawyer Lady's legs? Ugh. But who can resist? I can tell she works out. Probably goes to a tanning salon too. Her blouse is kind of conservative but she's showing just a teeny tiny bit of cleavage. Bet she looks amazing in Spandex. Should I wink at her? Better not. Might be misinterpreted.

I shouldn't have worn wool pants. My ass itches. I wonder if anybody would be pissed it I wore my pajama bottoms to these hearings? And those comfy slippers Kennedy got me for Christmas. I mean, nobody can see my legs from here, right? Hell, I could go commando under this robe. No, that's a bad idea. But it sure would be nice to let junior have some space to move around.

Oh Christ, now Kennedy is starting to talk. What a jerk. He thinks he's hot shit because everybody says he's a swing vote. Swing vote my ass. He always votes with us. I wonder if he watches Internet porn. Dumb question. Every guy watches Internet porn. Hell, I'd like to watch some right now -- just a five-minute video on my iPhone. Keep the volume real low. Nah. Sotomayor would make a huge fuss if she saw me. She's such a prude.

Just remembered -- I have to call the Koch brothers. They're late with their check this month. Again. It sure would be nice if I could just text them from here but noooo, I can't do anything fun in this place!

I am sooooo bored. If I fall asleep again will Roberts hear me snore? Good question. If he does, I just know he'll make a federal case out of it.