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John Bobey
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Entries by John Bobey

Tips for NASA: Houston, You Have a Problem

(5) Comments | Posted May 26, 2011 | 5:55 PM

Dear Mission Control,

Far be it from me to suggest that you've made traveling to outer space boring, but your penultimate shuttle voyage has inspired less interest than the Twitter contest to decide what the Kardashians will title their new novel (Fahrenheit 36D, Not Such Great Expectations, A Farewell To...

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Advice for Arnold Schwarzenegger: We're Going to Get Through This ... Together

(29) Comments | Posted May 17, 2011 | 4:15 PM

Arnold, welcome to the club! I've been through a divorce myself, and I totally get it. Women -- you can't live with them, you can't live without them tolerating your constant infidelity while you father a secret baby with the maid -- am I right? Look, I know it doesn't...

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Last Gasp: Q&A With Osama bin Laden

(8) Comments | Posted May 11, 2011 | 4:14 PM

JB: Osama...Osama bin Laden--is that you?

OBL: Yes, yes it is--who is this?

JB: It's me, John Bobey.

OBL: John Bobey--are you a powerful Imam working through the great Allah to speak to me in the afterlife?

JB: Not exactly. I just set up my new Roku,...

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Al Qaeda Memo Re: Women as Human Shields

(2) Comments | Posted May 5, 2011 | 4:55 PM

To: All Staff
From: Ahmed Zakir, VP of PR, Al Qaeda
Re: Human Shields/Women

I thought we had covered this during last years retreat at Six Flags, but I guess some of you didn't "get the memo," so here it is again (forgive the pun -- we all...

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An Open Letter to the Makers of Blue Valentine

(20) Comments | Posted January 27, 2011 | 9:40 AM

Hey! I just wanted to say thanks for giving me a truly memorable Saturday night. I mean, of course an evening where your date can't stop crying is a treat (especially when you can see an assuredly sexless end in sight), but when her sobs are interrupted by spooky, mantra-like...

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Pick-up Lines That Haven't Worked In My Upper West Side Bikram Yoga Class

(0) Comments | Posted April 1, 2010 | 3:33 PM


1. Are you in Sasangasana pose, or are you just glad to see me?

2. I write for Glenn Beck.

3. Is it hot in here, or is it you?

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So, This Baby Walks Into a Bar...

(4) Comments | Posted March 22, 2010 | 4:48 PM

Should parents be allowed to bring their babies and children to bars? It is a question in Brooklyn, New York, that's fired up online arguments, prompted unofficial protests and made outsiders giggle. Parents, on the other hand, say that as long as they're responsible and their kids behave, they deserve...

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A Wee Chat With St. Pat

(0) Comments | Posted March 16, 2010 | 10:23 AM

John
Top of the mornin' to you!

St. Patrick
OK, that's a terrible Irish accent...like, worse than Brad Pitt in The Devil's Own. And it's the last thing I need to hear right now--I've got a splitting headache.

John
What's the matter--hungover?

St. Patrick
Oh,...

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A Conversation With "She" of That's What She Said

(10) Comments | Posted March 9, 2010 | 10:31 AM

John
Did you ever imagine you'd become such a pop culture phenomenon?

She
I really can't believe it. I have no idea how it even started--I mean, I'm a suburban wife and mother from Livingston, New Jersey. My husband thinks it's a hoot!

John
...

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Shout at the Devil?

(4) Comments | Posted March 3, 2010 | 9:33 AM

Satan
Hello, John--it's me, the Devil. Is now a good time?

John
Of course--it's nice to finally speak with you, um--do you prefer Satan, Beelzebub...Dark Lord?

Satan
Any of those is fine. Actually, my real name is Barry.

John
Wait--you mean to tell me that the...

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Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret's Ex

(14) Comments | Posted February 24, 2010 | 11:46 AM

John
Hello...God?

God
Hey John, what can I do for you?

John
Wow, I never thought you'd answer.

God
Well, the time before Easter and the Oscars is my slow season. Don't make me sorry I didn't screen this prayer--what's up?

John
...

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Replying to J. Crew's Emails: "Because We Heart You...Free Shipping"

(4) Comments | Posted February 11, 2010 | 9:54 AM

J.,

I think we need to talk. You know how much I like you. I did right from the start, ever since "First Look at Fall, 2006." All those plaids and flannels--it was intense! (With $98 cashmere v-necks, how could it not be?) I was young and you taught me...

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