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A Wee Chat With St. Pat

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John
Top of the mornin' to you!

St. Patrick
OK, that's a terrible Irish accent...like, worse than Brad Pitt in The Devil's Own. And it's the last thing I need to hear right now--I've got a splitting headache.

John
What's the matter--hungover?

St. Patrick
Oh, I see we're getting all the stereotypes right out of the way--first you talk to me like a cartoon Leprechaun, and now I must be a drunk?

John
Gee, I'm sorry--I really didn't mean to offend you.

St. Patrick
No, I'm screwing with you--I got totally wasted last night! Actually, I'm drunk most of the time. I'm St. Patty--it's kind of "my thing."

John
I hear you. What's your poison--Jameson's...Guinness?

St. Patrick
Nope--Captain Morgan's and Diet.

John
Really? That doesn't sound very "Irish?"

St. Patrick
Yeah, I know, but it's only 75 calories and no carbs. I've lost like 7 pounds in 2 months...who knew?

John
Um...every 23 year-old girl in Manhattan?

St. Patrick
Is that what you were buying that chick on Friday night?

John
I'll have you know she's 27...I think, and I really don't want to talk about my love life right now.

St. Patrick
No, you're right--especially not while I'm sober.

John
This is your week after all. Let's talk about you and your love for all things Irish. Oh how your eyes must smile at the thought of lush and rolling green fields...

St. Patrick
Before you recite any more Chieftains' lyrics, let me tell you--I got stuck with this whole Irish thing. I mean, I was born in Britain. When I was 16 I got captured by Irish raiders and taken to Ireland...as a frickin' slave! I didn't manage to escape for six years. I missed my Junior and Senior year of high school. You try explaining your girlfriend that you couldn't take her to prom because nationalist zealots were forcing you to learn Gaelic!

John
Ouch--that's a tough sell. You missed all of college, too?

St. Patrick
Yeah--granted, it was only the early 400's, so college wasn't exactly like Season 3 of Gossip Girl, but still--I got screwed. So I figured I had zero experience with women and I already knew all the bartenders, so I became a bishop and moved back to Ireland. The rest is McHistory.

John
Man, I had no idea.

St. Patrick
Let's just say my wonder years weren't a bowl of "pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers and blue diamonds." Christ, my childhood makes Angela's Ashes read like Goodnight Moon!

John
Hey--I would have thought you loved Frank McCourt?

St. Patrick
Oof--he's such a downer. We get it Frank, you were poor! Try growing up like me when converting a couple Pagans was a big night out. McCourt plays up that sad Danny Boy crap to get sympathy from the ladies. He gets more Angel ass than the toilet seats in the Pearly Gates ladies room.

John
I appreciate the effort, but let's be honest--you forced that last part.

St. Patrick
And who are you--Yeats in a v-neck? Back up, I'm a Saint.

John
Fair enough. Hey, speaking of ladies, are you Saints allowed to date?

St. Patrick
Hell yes, but the Saint thing doesn't impress the way you might think. I mean, there are so many of us up here.

John
Sure, that makes sense. Seeing anybody special?

St. Patrick
Actually, I have a date tonight. There's this new Irish girl that just got here-- Brittany Murphy, ever heard of her?

John
The actress? But isn't she married?

St. Patrick
Once you're up here, you forget you were married faster than you did when you nailed that PA before your fifth wedding anniversary.

John
Are you kidding me? That is so out of line and something very close to a secret sort of! Man, this hangover is making you mean. Where are you taking Brittany for dinner?

St. Patrick
I don't know yet--someplace that serves Red Bull and Vicodin? What, too soon?

John
Subtlety is not your strong point. No wonder you people developed the bagpipes.

St. Patrick
You don't like Irish music?

John
No, St. Patty's day is great for music. Who doesn't like a group of Stony Brook Theta Phi's screaming along to With or Without You, or a bunch of dummies named Sully grabbing each others Celtics jerseys while they bounce to House of Pain like they're in some outtake from State of Grace?

St. Patrick
Now who's forcing the reference?

John
Fair. But you see my point. I never really understood why we celebrate this day anyway. Is it because you drove the snakes out of Ireland?

St. Patrick
I thought I took that off my Wikipedia page? No, snakes totally freak me out. I mean, I told people I chased some snakes, but the truth is I was trying to dry out that week and the DTs kicked in. I saw snakes, zebras...dolphins--dude, I was a mess.

John
Interesting. I thought that benevolent act was maybe the inspiration for so many Irish-Americans to become police and firemen...the legacy of driving out bad and doing good?

St. Patrick
All the Irish cops and firemen? That's no benevolent legacy--it's nepotism and institutionalized racism.

John
Christ, lower your voice--you cannot talk that way in New York! That's a pretty inflammatory statement.

St. Patrick
Please--I'm a Saint, not an idiot. I've seen more diversity at a Tea Party rally.


John
Look, I am not getting my as kicked for you. There is no one with less a sense of humor about his ethnic heritage than a 6'4 redheaded guy in a Jets hat and a kilt.

St. Patrick
Whatever--I need to deal with this hangover and get ready for Brittany. I think this girl could be perfect for me. We both usually end the night by throwing up.

John
You're a real Robert Burns.

St. Patrick
He was Scottish!

John
Right, like anybody cares. Erin go screw yourself, I'm out of here.

St. Patrick
John...come back! Look, I'm sorry--let's get together next week. I'll have Brittany bring a lass for you. Word is, Alyson Hannigan isn't well...