05/17/2011 04:15 pm ET | Updated Jul 17, 2011

Advice for Arnold Schwarzenegger: We're Going to Get Through This ... Together

Arnold, welcome to the club! I've been through a divorce myself, and I totally get it. Women -- you can't live with them, you can't live without them tolerating your constant infidelity while you father a secret baby with the maid -- am I right? Look, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you're going to be okay. You see, when a relationship ends after 25 years, it's like a death, and there's a rhythm to the grieving process. Buck up pal, there's a mere five stages between today's pain and tomorrow's clarity and guilt-free grab ass with the help!

Stage 1 -- Denial: This stage is temporary, and I imagine you'll work through it quickly once you realize that the TMZ camera crew isn't going anywhere. According to the classic model, denial is often replaced with a heightened awareness of the individuals left behind after the loss, i.e. that kid who's spent the last 10 years calling you Uncle Arnie.

Stage 2 -- Anger: This is when you get together with your bros to talk trash about chicks. You say you're actually glad that Skeletor Shriver (take it -- it's yours) is finally gone, Sly and Dolph take turns drunk dialing Brigitte Nielsen, and you all tell Van Damme-- again -- that of course you wanted him in The Expendables, but couldn't find his email. Then you do shots of HGH, laughing that at least none of you is Seagal!

Stage 3 -- Bargaining: Do yourself a favor and skip this, "I'd do anything if only we'd lasted until..." step. You got out at the right time after a great run -- the kids are grown (oops! -- old enough to know they should side with mommy), and you made it to 25 years and for 10 of them got away with a live-in baby mama. Mr. Olympia indeed! Plus, in exchange for assuming the role of Not Husband of the Year, we all get to stop hating Jesse James a little bit. Maybe he'll build you a new bike!

Stage 4 -- Depression: A little down? Of course you are -- you're not good at playing the bad guy and you haven't taken a blow like this since the reviews for Jingle All The Way. But look at the upside -- you may be the fading pop culture reference and serial philanderer who played at politics while his constituency suffered, but if you were a citizen those would the credentials that put you on the 2012 ticket alongside Newt Gingrich! Yes, you're 63 and every day looking more and more like K.D. Lang, but you've still got your health -- no way Maria's Hyannis Port goons can take half of that! (I don't think.)

Stage 5 -- Acceptance: Just because this is happening doesn't mean you can't come out the other side wiser and ready for your next starring role as America's most eligible "Bachelornator!" (I already bought this domain name -- we should talk.)

Remember Arnold, love is more resilient than any "metal man," and a franchise that can sustain an infinite number of sequels. But why not play it safe and freshen up your image? I say drop the whole uptight Orange County Republican thing and go back to the 'roiding, weed-steeped foreigner we all originally fell in love with. I'd be happy to write your ad. (Though I registered the "Bachelornator" handle there, too -- seriously, make me an offer.) I just know that in no time at all ... "you'll be back!" (I had to, just once.)

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