THE BLOG
05/03/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Shout at the Devil?

Satan
Hello, John--it's me, the Devil. Is now a good time?

John
Of course--it's nice to finally speak with you, um--do you prefer Satan, Beelzebub...Dark Lord?

Satan
Any of those is fine. Actually, my real name is Barry.

John
Wait--you mean to tell me that the ruler of Hell is named...Barry?

Satan
Yeah, what about it?

John
Nothing, nothing at all--I'm just surprised. The only other Barry I know is a periodontist.

Satan
Barry Jenkins--on 3rd Avenue?

John
Yes! Do you know him?

Satan
Do you have any idea how much pain you can inflict on someone with bad gums? Of course I know him! Now please tell me this will get more interesting...that I didn't cancel my two o'clock with Kelly Ripa for nothing.

John
No--not her!

Satan
Grow up--without me, she'd be working a Clinique counter in the Bethpage Galleria.

John
I can totally see that. I'll move things along. After I had my chat with God last week, I reached out to you right away for some equal time. I tried to conjure you, but the best I could do was leave word with your assistant.

Satan
Rebecca?

John
Yup.

Satan
She's been a Godsend...if you know what I mean. She's really sync'd my Outlook.

John
Is that slang?

Satan
Don't be crass. Plus, she found the cutest earrings for my wife's birthday. I hope she never leaves.

John
Um...if she's been eternally damned to Hell, she can't leave, right?

Satan
Good point. I wish I'd remembered that before she talked me into paying for her Pilates classes.

John
Barry, I have to say--you're not at all what I was expecting. You seem so...so "regular." I imagined you'd be more like...

Satan
...the guy on the cover of a Molly Hatchet album?

John
Wow--are you dating yourself with that reference. But yes, I figured you'd either look like one of the guys from 300 or have a pointy tail and pitchfork.

Satan
Well, I wasn't expecting you to be in a shawl-collared sweater, either--it's like you just came out of the closet, and it was Judd Hirsch's.

John
That was unnecessary.

Satan
I'm the devil!

John
I bet you play that card all the time. Anyway, you don't seem all that evil.

Satan
You should see me when the vending machine is out of Skittles! The truth is, given what people are today I don't have to wreak havoc. And really--I'm sorry about the sweater crack. Where'd you get it?

John
The Ralph Lauren store on Bleecker.

Satan
Oh, is that the one I had that girl Brooke talk you into buying a few years back...the $400 one?

John
Yes, but it was me that wanted to buy it!

Satan
Of course it was. And the Diesel jeans, too? You're lucky you didn't end up with the white belt I suggested.

John
So does that mean that you do use women as the instruments to inflict your soul-numbing wickedness? That what I've always suspected.

Satan
Sounds like someone's eHarmony profile isn't seeing any action. The truth is, women are easy to work with--really collaborative--but lately I've been focusing on banking and financial types.

John
Like who--Bernie Madoff, Allen Stanford?

Satan
Your Charles Schwab guy.

John
Justin? No way--he seems like a prudent investment adviser.

Satan
Yeah, too bad he majored in Hospitality at New Paltz. After graduation, he spent three years eating Combos on his parents couch until his brother got him a job. It'll all come out in July when you get a letter explaining your life savings has been reduced to $1.83 in Canadian coins in the empty Pinkberry cup at the back of Justin's top desk drawer.

John
That's so oddly specific. Are you screwing with me?

Satan
Maybe.

John
You know--God was sort of a jerk, too. You guys are a lot alike.

Satan
Really? He said he had a really good time hanging with you.

John
You talked to him?

Satan
No--I follow him on Twitter.

John
How did things go south between you two--why did he cast you out of Heaven?

Satan
Cast me out? Don't believe everything you read--it didn't go down that way at all.

John
Spill!

Satan
Well, we grew up together and the plan was that after graduation we'd rule Heaven as partners. But his dad played golf with somebody's uncle or something, so he ended up getting the big office and I became a Senior Vice-President. Turns out, there are more SVPs in that place than illegitimate children fathered by Tiger Woods. They promised me I'd take over when he retired, but I kept waiting...millennium after millennium...and the guy just wouldn't step down. So I'm like, hey--I'm not getting any younger, my cholesterol's through the roof, and I've still got kids to put through college. So I talked to some recruiters and ended up running Hell. And keep that Tiger thing to yourself--I promised Billy Bush an exclusive for May sweeps.

John
Of course you did. Wait--you've got kids?

Satan
Three, actually--Derrick is in advertising, Seth is an Event Planner--whatever that means, and Josie is the baby. She'll be a Senior in the fall.

John
And where exactly would Satan's daughter go to college?

Satan
Barnard.

John
Interesting. You know, I hang out at a bar right near that campus. I wonder if I've ever seen her...

Satan
John, I know you enjoy torturing yourself by dating younger women--I love watching it so much, I'm three episodes behind on Celebrity Rehab. But really--do you think it's wise to date Satan's daughter?

John
Truthfully, I thought I already had. Like, four times.

Satan
Look at you...joking through the pain. That's adorable! What are you even looking for in all these ill-fated relationships?

John
Love?

Satan
Ugh--I just threw up a little in my mouth.

John
No, I'm glad this came up. I'm single again, so I'd love to get your thoughts on affairs of the heart.

Satan
Fine. The truth is that love is great for business.

John
How so?

Satan
Well, can you think of anything more laced with pain and despair than love?

John
Hold up--are you Satan or one of the Bronte sisters? Can I get you a chamomile tea while you dial up some Sarah McLaughlin on your iPod? Or maybe you can't now because you're off to a screening of Dear John?

Satan
Laugh it up. I just looked into your soul and know you bought a bootleg copy of Dear John in Chinatown. And PS Mr. Darcy, you're the one who cried at the end of He's Just Not That Into You. What--you didn't know the ring was in his pocket...couldn't see the happy ending coming? You're such a hypocrite!

John
Mr. Darcy was a Jane Austen character, not one of the Bron...

Satan
I was on a roll!

John
Whatever. I just thought You were supposed to be in the details? Why don't we take her home with some quick fire questions?

Satan
Right--God sent out a Tweet saying this would be your uninspired ending. You got to give it to the guy--when you're omniscient, you're omniscient. Hit me.

John
Do your demonic minions walk amongst us?

Satan
Not many. Sandy Bullock, the people behind the raw food craze, and one of those girls who gave you her number at Kevin's party.

John
I got three numbers that night--which one?

Satan
Now what fun would that be?

John
You're incorrigible! Next--how low can you force some people to sink in doing your bidding?

Satan
Are you a virgin?

John
No.

Satan
Next question.

John
Oh for crissakes. How do I always walk into that one?

Satan
I couldn't resist!

John
This is exhausting. Before I say goodbye, any advice on avoiding seeing you again...you know, come Judgment Day?

Satan
You...here? I don't care what you do, I don't think I could take it. I mean, having to watch you further punish those with condemned souls by rehashing lines from Woody Allen movies? Even I have my limits. But if you want to play it really safe, stay away from tequila and redheads. The rest is all luck.

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