THE BLOG
02/03/2014 05:15 pm ET | Updated Apr 04, 2014

A Secret CIA Plan to Save the Sochi Olympics: Bring on the NFL

TOP SECRET

FROM: The Directorate, CIA
TO: The President of the United States
SUBJECT: Sochi Olympics

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: By Executive Order, illegal or not, POTUS should reschedule the National Football League (NFL) Super Bowl (February 2) to Sochi, where the Winter Olympic Games are opening in that subtropical Black Sea city February 7.

--It is in the American national interest to hold the XLVIII Super Bowl in Sochi. Such an event would contribute to our country's short- and long-term world dominance for the following reasons:

--It would elevate the most-watched American sport, exhilarating for U.S. taxpayers in its brutality (it makes them forget the depressing state of the economy), to Olympic status, thereby producing a global audience (and huge potential advertising revenues -- no need to tax them, though) for the NFL;

--It would send a clear message to the Russian government that we are prepared to combat the threat of terrorism by cooperating with it (Mr. President! -- apologies -- by "it" we mean the Russian government!), as the presence of gargantuan USA football players would frighten the underweight, unmuscular, terrorists away, including their hooded female agents;

--More American security personnel would be deployed at Sochi, which would be welcomed by Russian officials fearing that they lack most elementary hardware/software (including fancy Secret Service sunglasses) to assure security;

--We all know that our U.S. military is overstretched. The NFL players -- if they will tolerate a pay cut for the sake of their country -- could be surrogate agents for a mission to protect the world, in this case around the unknown Black Sea. Doubtless the NFL pros ("Hey, what's in it for me?") would require much rhetorical inspiration to agree to this (after all, they do belong to the wealthy "one percent"). But we know, as our secret surveys show, Mr. President, how inspirational you can be, despite your Harvard law degree;

--Of course, NFL players could work in tandem with the Cossacks that have been drafted to Sochi: Strong men work well together, Mr. President, as you know so well from putting up with the vice president for all these years;

--Sochi officials, longing for cash despite their reported immense corruption, would benefit from freewheeling NFL players spending thousands of dollars on "entertainment" of various sorts, which on the plus side (from a U.N. perspective) could contribute to population growth in the area;

--Most important, holding the Super Bowl in Sochi would spare our long-suffering American football fans (paying thousands of dollars) to watch this XLVIII spectacle while enduring possibly freezing temperatures in a stadium near the Big Apple located in a state called New Jersey, governed by a pizza-eating Republican who wants to take over the White House, even if it means redirecting traffic to do so. Relocating the SB, in other words, would politically be a slam dunk for your administration, which we, the football-loving intelligence community, serve with utmost dedication, so long as it's not too cold outside (although we do know spies come in from the cold).

--And let's not forget our all-smiles near-naked NFL cheerleaders, whose energy and pro-USA enthusiasm would be another strong message that we average American government employees are strongly against the exploitation of women.

--Needless to say, our NFL players in Sochi would be forbidden to wear T-shirts with inscriptions such as: "Free the Circassians" and "Full Civil Rights for Gays." After all, the USG must not interfere in another government's internal affairs.