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John DeBellis Headshot

A-Rod and Juice Ball

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I have a solution to the steroid issue with A-Rod and major league baseball. I think the commissioner, Budd Selig, should make steroids mandatory. Put them all go on the juice. Test the players for steroids and if they're not found in their urine or blood or their heads haven't gotten big enough for property tax, blast their names all over the God damn media! Embarrass them for not giving 150 percent of their pharmaceutical best!

We wouldn't even need to suspend the non users. These selfish players would get called on the carpet by their pumped up peers for not being team players! Because if they really cared about winning they'd shoot up between innings (their buts becoming so sore no player would want to sit on the bench) and they'd gladly risk the potential side effects; anger, aggression, pimples on their back, and balls that could fit through the eye of a needle,. Big deal! Soldiers in Iraq risk their life every day with no possibility of winning!

Congress wouldn't waist time grilling these prima donnas, except to prevent them from getting the steroids cheaper from Canada. If a player breaks the home run record and he wasn't on steroids, I doubt an asterisk will be demanded (except by the drug companies who, if they could, would to put them in Wheaties where kids could save box tops to send away for the official A-Rod autographed works).

Baseball statisticians, like Bill James, would develop formulas to figure out how may fly outs would have been home runs, or how much faster a pitcher could throw, or how many hat sizes a player's head would have increased. Instead of just debating who was a better player, kids could also debate whether their favorite player was better when he was injecting Deca Durabolin, Primobolan, Sustanon or human growth hormones. And the nerdy kids, who were terrible athletes, would no longer be made fun of by the jocks, because they could wind up becoming the chemist who develops a super steroid that makes a local sand lot star the best player in baseball.