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John DeBellis Headshot

I Just Quit Facebook

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I just took myself off Facebook. I got tired of getting messages from people I hadn't heard from in twenty years, who still haven't figured that I didn't want to hear from them until I read their names in the obituary. And just when I thought I ran out of long lost friends I'd get a request to be a friend from some jerk that I'd only want to see if his face was in a bucket at the end of a guillotine.

And what is with this wall garbage! Walls are to keep people out, not to be written on with dribble like a wall in a schizophrenic's cell. When these "friends" weren't leaving trivial notes on my wall with the results of their spiritual advisor's echo cardiogram, they were telling me (and I'm hundreds of others) personal details like how most of their Facebook friends are members of Alcoholic's Anonymous.

If these so called Facebook friends (of mine) are not hit men hired to kill me then I couldn't careless how they spent a second of their time, unless (at that moment) they were aiming at me. Okay, there are some other exceptions: I like to hear that they were in ill health, haven't eaten in a year, and are living out of toxic oil drum. That might bring a smile to my face. Or a really interesting comment I love to hear is that they had just killed all their family members and were about to shoot themselves. A statement like that might have even kept me on face book, at least until they blew their own brains outs, especially if they posted suicide the note and blamed it on someone who asked to be my friend on Facebook.

And sure there's nothing more that I would like to do than to join an on line group to honor their scientist father; The man who developed a new breed of Kangaroos that only had back pockets, which, of course, went extinct because they kept sitting on their young. But I might have been really tempted to remain on Face book if they took down my wall, put up an electrified fence one topped with barbed wire and guarded by rabid pit bulls.

After only a few weeks on Facebook I began getting requests to be friends with friends of my friends (friends who I now didn't want to hear from for a least a couple of reincarnations), emailing asking if they could be my friend: Sure give me your credit card numbers, pay for my health insurance, or if you really want to be my friend, don't ask to be my friend! And get the hell of Facebook!