To you this may just be a hearty, jaw-strengthening meal, but to Todd and me it had all the makings of our great romance, with dessert showing up not quite nine months later.
We met at Alaska Secession War Dance Bingo and Todd asked me out. When he took me for a stroll around his bear traps, I had no idea that on our first dinner date we'd be killing and field dressing the main course. I realized this wasn't going to be an ordinary night when he told me to wear something brown, stain resistant, and snug enough to fit under a parachute, but us frontier gals are up for anything when it includes a guy with most of his teeth, you betcha. I just ignored all the warning signs that would have scared off some wussy New York 6 o'clock anchorwoman, like the butcher knife, axe, rolls of plastic sheeting and loaded guns.
Then he handed me a rifle, threw me into a helicopter, and took off over a herd of moose. He put his hands on his head, raised his fingers like antlers and faked dying. I nearly fell out of the copter laughing, but before I could blow into Russia, he grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked me back in. It was love at first sighting when I looked down my barrel at the moose and Toddie yelled "Blast his head off, baby!" And you betcha, I did.
My first shot dropped that moose faster than Levi Johnson's commitment to my daughter. Then Toddie gently laid me on the hot carcass and I puckered up my beauty queen lips. I guess he mistakenly French kissed the moose before he got to me, which made it warm and even sweeter. Yup, I knew my fate was as sealed as an oil slicked polar bear floating on an iceberg. That too short midsummer night, I knew we'd be slaughtering wildlife together for the rest of lives and would pass this love on to our kids, who'd pass it on to their kids, probably a mite sooner than expected.
1 - Large, slow Moose
1 - Helicopter, or small plane, which Todd will rent you for a reasonable price, cash only.
1 - Loaded rifle plus an optional telescopic lens for first timers. The gun and lens can be purchased online without any license or age requirement at www.Sarahpalin.com/moose/fielddressing/familyoutings/firearms
1 - Skilled Alaskan pilot who can keep that copter steady, even when drunk on firewater.
(You don't want to hit the antlers or ruin the head--a good trophy for the wall over your bed which I can autograph for a small four digit fee).
1 - AK47, when you can't afford a plane and have to track the moose on foot or by truck. Just fire point blank between the eyes to blow its brains out, which can then be gathered, minced, dried, and used as a seasoning
1- An Exxon retrofitted, gas loving, eighty-five cylinder, eight wheeler truck full of oil from Anwar Province, for transporting even the largest animals to your garage freezer.
1 - Bowie knife, preferably not one given as a wedding gift and personally engraved by Strom Thurmond (You could break the tip skinning the base of the antlers!)
1 - Titanium nail file (see www.Sarahpalin.com/moose/fielddressing/style
1 - Cordless bone saw. Our 20 volt model is strong enough to cut through any old endangered bones
11 ½-32 - Strong teeth for tearing out the innards and bullets, plus a brush to touch up your lipstick in blood shades to give you that hot hockey mom look. See www.Sarahpalin.com/moose/fieldressing/style/stayingsexyoutdoors
1- Lightweight block and tackle for hoisting your kill onto any vehicle. Purchase in several seasonal color schemes to match your Sarah Palin purse. See www.Sarahpalin.com/moose/fielddressing/accessories
4 TB. Salt, Non Kosher ONLY
1 lb. Pepper
2 Gals. "Todd's Special Secret Moose Sauce" (discounted with a coupon from your friendly oil company).
Make the hunt a fun family outing by having the youngsters track the dying animal on dog sleds. Sometimes a brain dead moose will just keep on running. Sure reminds me of a certain presidential candidate, but that's another recipe...for disaster.
Head too damaged to mount? Sever, and bag the antlers (makes a great coat rack). Then, quarter and salt the rest and drag the carcass and into your truck using the Palin block and tackle (when purchased with a Hummer from our website, you'll receive a 20% discount). Save one quarter of the carcass for the stew. Freeze the other five quarters ithe for winter treats like mooseballs, and I don't mean their privates, you sleazy late night comics. We only use those for the dogs and religious rituals.
Pepper and salt the sides to disguise that gunpowder aftertaste, especially if you've fired hundreds of shots from an automatic weapon into that critter. Stuff the bullet holes with garlic cloves. Use your Pretty Palin nail file to skin the hide off one tenderloin. Then melt endangered blue whale lard (from our website) in a giant skillet, brown the onions just a shade lighter than Obama, add, potatoes, carrots, celery and seal wine, then set aside. In a plastic bag (recycled from our Alaskan land fills), flour the chunks, frying till tender enough for even ol' Senator Byrd to chew, mixed in with the vegetables. Finally, add "Todd's Special Secret Moose Sauce." Cover and stew for twenty minutes. This will feed a family for days after their unemployment runs out. (wink)
Alaskan winter nights last 18 hours (which Todd and I will never let Bristol use as an excuse again), and there's nothing better to mukluk your toes than the thick skin of a moose! It's the perfect darn meal for Republican families with stomachs as stubborn as their values. You betcha!
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