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Commie Sharia Law IS Coming to America. So What Exactly is the Problem?

02/04/2011 05:31 pm 17:31:26 | Updated May 25, 2011

In recent days, such keen-eyed observers as Glenn Beck, Sharon Angle, and your morbidly obese Uncle Bob have declared that a sinister conspiracy of Communists and Islamic fundamentalists has subverted the Obama administration and the judicial system, and that we are about to witness the coming of Sharia law to every hill, dale--and, perhaps, even to every glen--in America.

Am I crazy? I mean, is it just me, or is this not fantastic news?

Whether it's the lopping-off-of-hands in Louisville, another flogging in Chicago, or just a plain ol' fatwa in Philadelphia, you see it every night on the local news, right? And other than Beck and some haunted-looking vagrant named Frank Gaffney, who's complaining? Given our overburdened and antiquated court system, American judges are signing up in record numbers to 1) instantly convert to Islam, and 2) swear allegiance to the Communist Party (which comes with a cardboard badge and a free decoder ring.)

As a member of the professional left, I feel good about my contribution to this whole thing. Just today, trotting down Hollywood Boulevard on camelback with two fellow members of the CIA (that's what we mischievously named our Communist Islamic Alliance!)--two lovely guys, really, named Abdullah the Red and Vladimir Habib--we were chatting about how easy it's all been. We'd heard Gaffney, on Fox News, talking about how Janet Napolitano and other cabinet members were fervently pro-Muslim Brotherhood and pro-Sharia, and we chuckled about our meeting with her--she really was a pushover--but you know who fought us tooth and nail, I mean just about nitpicked us to death?

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Man, if I had a shekel for every time she repeated the phrase "Judeo-Christian tradition," sitting there huddled in her Supreme Court robe, I'd be a caliph by now. We had to drag in our secret weapon, Clarence Thomas, to help convince her. He kept using his new catchphrase, "high-tech stoning," on her, and somehow that won her over. John Roberts joined up too, though I'm not sure he really understood anything we were talking about. But he sure was smiling!

Of course, as you'd expect, some of the cops were resistant at first. But once we explained that they'd get two weeks' free vacation every year in an Algerian hovel of their choice, where they'd get to play soccer with goats' bladders by day and study Marx by night, they too eagerly signed up.

We make new inroads by the hour. On Super Bowl Sunday, the refs will be wearing djellabahs adorned with portraits of Mao, and pass-interference penalties will be enforced with cutlasses. Sure, Frank Gaffney and Glenn Beck will bitch and moan. But it'll be great TV, and one more baby-step towards the Islamo-Marxist paradise awaiting us all.