A Desperate Hillary Promises New Crystal Meth That's "Actually Good For You"; Laughs Off "So-Called Experts" Who Disagree

Reeling from Tuesday evening's results, a desperate Hillary Clinton today promised voters an extraordinary new platform that, while making no mention of pressing political issues, includes "zero-calorie" Hershey Bars, a month's-worth of free Marlboro Reds, and--somewhat controversially, in certain quarters--a mysterious new kind of crystal methedrine, which while having all the intoxicating powers of the regular drug, is, according to Clinton, "actually good for you." While doctors, addiction specialists, and recovering addicts themselves were said to be skeptical, Mrs. Clinton gaily laughed off the criticism, saying: "I think the good crystal-meth users of blue-collar America know a whole lot more about this issue than a bunch of pointy-headed 'elitists' in Washington, D.C."

Exactly why Mrs. Clinton made the Washington reference is unclear, because the chorus of disapproval was nationwide; it's seen by some observers as an attempt to portray her opponents as "out-of-touch" with down-home, "swing-voter" crystal methedrine users around the country. "I've been a-travellin' from one end of the country to another," said Mrs. Clinton, suddenly affecting an odd folksy twang, "and I know how th' good meth-users of America have to stretch their drug-buyin' dollar nowadays! Folks're workin' two, three, nine jobs a day, just to keep a little powder on the table...that's why we've not only discovered this brand-new, perfectly safe kinda meth," she continued, becoming alarmingly more folksy by the minute, "but we're a-gonna put a two-month moratorium on dealers' mark-up fees!"

Critics claim this offer of subsidized, "health-food" methedrine is unrealistic, fails to deal with the genuine problem of drug abuse in America, and is a cynical attempt to court what Mark Penn has called "the all-important Idiot Demographic." But today, at a whistle-stop at Big-Shiny-Guns-and-Glass-Pipes, a convienence shop that caters to outlaw motorcycle gangs, Mrs. Clinton's remarks were greeted by hearty, if poorly-co-ordinated, applause (and various hard-to-understand gummed shouts) from the so-called "crystal meth constituency." Asked if he thought Mrs. Clinton was "pandering" with this latest campaign offer, one observer--Jethro T. B. DePew, 24, a part-time electrolysis-shop janitor from a colorful little township called Inarticulate Holler--said: "Wellsir, I don't rightly know about no kinda bears, but whatsoever-the-heck she's a-doin', I like it!"

Mrs. Clinton was introduced by the man she described as her likely appointee as Ambassador to the United Nations, Larry The Cable Guy.