Hillary's Men: Or, the Mysterious Case of the Missing Cojones

I think I speak for a sizable portion of the American public, of all political stripes, on this one: I wish James Carville hadn't forced me to consider the issue of Hillary Clinton's balls.

It's a ticklish subject, of course, but Hillary's supporters won't leave it alone. Maybe if Carville's bizarre suggestion that Barack Obama has some kind of Testicle Gap -- "if Hillary gave him one of her cojones, they'd both have a pair" -- had just been some freaky one-shot-deal, we might've figured that The Human Praying Mantis was having an especially bad day, and blown the whole thing off. Because when a black man with an Arab-sounding name goes up against an ex-occupant of the White House with the whole Democratic Party machine behind her -- and beats her -- you've got to admit he's got a decent pair of stones, if nothing else. But then, when a second Clinton hack shouted to the world how excited he was about the ex-First Lady's "testicular fortitude," it became clear that her campaign, for some weird reason, had made Testicle-Gate into a talking-point.

Don't get me wrong. I have tremendous respect for balls. Though my days of barfighting and high-contact sports are behind me, I wake up every day with two ripped-up knees, a broken nose, and a wrecked back to show for years of gloriously mis-spent testosterone. And, God willing, balls will always play a major -- and mostly pleasant -- role in my life. So when Carville and Co. decided to make "Cojones-Gate" a major campaign issue, I started to wonder: why this particular snarky tactic? Could it be that maybe they protesteth too much? What might all this compulsive balls-talk be compensating for?

I didn't want to play The Nerd Card. I really didn't. It's all James Carville's fault. He forced me to take a good hard look at All the Hillary's Men.

Think about 'em: Terry McAuliffe, grinning inanely into TV cameras, forever the sixth-grader running home to tell Mom that Teacher said he's a good boy for tattling on his classmates. Howard Wolfson, smug for no reason, dutifully spreading his Reverend Wright crap. Carville himself, growing visibly more bitter by the millisecond, until he threatens to consume his own flesh, live, on national TV. The porcine Mark Penn, curiously unkempt, too busy shovelling blood-stained Blackwater cash into his pockets. To say nothing of Bill, staggering around those second-tier campaign-stops, still wagging that effete index-finger in our faces.

Kinda makes you wonder about her taste in men. Speaking from a purely Carville-ian perspective, of course -- not exactly a metric-ton of testicles in the bunch.

As a strategic ploy, it seems to me, this whole Cojones-Gate thing backfired on Clinton. Too bad James Carville didn't have a politically-savvy drag-queen stationed in campaign headquarters--she might've told him: "Girlfriend, don't even go there."

Comments

[devadasi]

Camille Paglia makes some good points:

'Hillary's willingness to tolerate Bill's compulsive philandering is a function of her general contempt for men. She distrusts them and feels morally superior to them. Following the pattern of her long-
suffering mother, she thinks it is her mission to endure every insult and personal degradation for a higher cause -- which, unlike her self-sacrificing mother, she identifies with her near-messianic personal ambition.

It's no coincidence that Hillary's staff has always consisted mostly of adoring women, with nerdy or geeky guys forming an adjunct brain trust. Hillary's rumored hostility to uniformed military men and some Secret Service agents early in the first Clinton presidency probably belongs to this pattern. And let's not forget Hillary, the governor's wife, pulling out a book and rudely reading in the bleachers during University of Arkansas football games back in Little Rock.

Hillary's disdain for masculinity fits right into the classic feminazi package, which is why Hillary acts on Gloria Steinem like catnip. Steinem's fawning, gaseous New York Times op-ed about her pal Hillary this week speaks volumes about the snobby clubbiness and reactionary sentimentality of the fossilized feminist establishment, which has blessedly fallen off the cultural map in the 21st century. History will judge Steinem and company very severely for their ethically obtuse indifference to the stream of working-class women and female subordinates whom Bill Clinton sexually harassed and abused, enabled by look-the-other-way and trash-the-victims Hillary. '

[JoeTN]

Carville was enough of a DEM to say that he will support Obama in the General SHOULD he be the nominee. I hope he reads all these negative comments and rethinks his decision JUST LIKE ME!!
You Obamanuts are scarry and have turned off millions.
Keep it up and he won't be elected dog catcher.

[maritabox]

I read your profile and your stupidity and racism is breathtaking.

[lvdragonlady]

Let's see....is the next female to run for pres going to have to show she has cajones too? Hell, if she needs those, she must be a guy, so what is the point of running as the first female pres?
I feel that is why clinton did not do as good as many thought, she was a woman running as a guy.
What is the point?

[Syco]

you make an excellent point

[batguano]

Entirely brilliant John, thanks!

[Beachrunner]

That's been the problem all along. Hillary has a set of elephant-sized balls, and the men around her --don't.

End of story.

[WorkingClass]

The Clinton women say they are leaving the party. They are going to become Republicans. It goes without saying that they will take their *men* with them.

[lvdragonlady]

They are not leaving, they are GOING BACK. clinton was a repub before she was a democrat....like we could not figure that out by the way she ran her campaign.

[eaglecapri]

You know, I've always seen this race as Obama vs. former President Bill Clinton (and that wife of his) and not really Obama vs. former First Lady Hillary Clinton (and that husband of hers). You say Myanmar, I say Burma. N-E-Wayz....either way, it's truly astounding: Barack Hussein Obama beats The Clintons! Wow! It amazes me still, today! You're right - what balls he has and had to even think he could go up against them. God bless 'em (his cajones)!

Obama '08

[Bramptonian]

I really enjoyed reading this brilliant piece of literature, Mr. Eskow. This is well worth the read and so 'dead-on' right. The word that comes to mind when I see Carville is WEASEL.
God bless America, and God bless President Obama.

[DAVESEAN]

BRILLIANT ARTICLE

[Countess]

We all know Hillary Clinton has balls but what we are not sure of is her brain which so far has been absent.

[campgranata]

the smartest woman in the world is proving to be barely educable.

[campgranata]

Eunuchs all but you forgot the whinniest castrato of them all, Lanny Davis.

[BadChristian]

What was Carville doing when he found out that Hillary had three testicles? Someone should tell him that it's not nice to kiss and tell.

I wonder if he has a case for sexual harrassment.

[maritabox]

In 2004 it is said that Carvelle and his hachet-faced republican weesle wife worked with the rethugs to steal Ohio from John Kerry because she was afraid that he would be a two term president and she would miss her bid in 2008. They gave us 4 more years of Bush.
That is not only tragic and ubelieveably heartbreaking to the people who lost their beautiful children, I know they were soldiers but they are somebody's kids in this "Parade of Horribles they call this war.

I am a real feminist and I don't need no stinkin testicles or badges.
Women have their own balls they are overies and they are conveniently internal, a much better design I might add. Protected. Men have to keep protecting theirs and it make them vulnerable.
snark-

[BadChristian]

I like feminists... Especially real ones.
I find the designs are complimentary.


They don't stink if you wash them regularly...
However, I must admit, I've never been that flexible.
snark-

[campgranata]

Clearly the design is better and every time I got hit in the testicles it made me believe that god is a woman with a sense of humor.