Penalty Shots: Tim Russert's Drunken Tiebreaker Questions

Good evening, Senator Clinton, Senator Obama. Guys, I got blind, screaming drunk with Brian Williams last night because the two of us just couldn't take it any more. (You'd be amazed, but even when he's pounded down six Jack-and-Cokes, ol' Brian still has a voice that can induce instant coma in a total stranger.) At one point, I stumbled to the men's room and just stared into the mirror -- you know, the way you do when you've drunk your way all the way past rage and incoherence to a place of cold and lonely self-reflection. And I said to myself -- or rather to the waxy, porcine mask I saw in the mirror that I hoped wasn't really me --"Tim," I said, "you totally blew it! Call those two contenders back, and ask them some REAL questions for a change! I mean, it looks like pretty much a dead heat in the Democratic Party, so let's do what they do in hockey and soccer -- let's give Obama and Clinton some penalty shots! We'll call this one... the Tiebreaker Debate!"

OK? I'm still a little buzzed, but this should be fun. So why are you both staring at me like that?

Now all these questions are, to switch metaphors, jump balls -- we're not really gonna squabble about who goes first when the future of our country is on the line, are we? Either one of you can talk for as long as you want -- as long as you don't repeat any of the ritualistic campaign dogma that we're all sick and tired of. OK? Let's get it on!

1. We'll start with an easy one -- an issue I'm sure you've both thought long and hard about, because it speaks to the very soul of America. QUESTION: What plans will you have in place -- on Day One -- to make immediate and lasting reparations to the people of Iraq for the genocide we have committed there? How soon do you plan to tour the hospitals of Baghdad to see the carnage for yourself? When will you start building rehabilitation centers, trauma units, and new schools for the children of Iraq? Please go into at least the amount of detail you have used to define the specifics of your health-care proposals.

2. Senators, let's cut the bullshit. You both know that John McCain is no "American hero" by any defintion of that phrase that wouldn't make Thomas Jefferson vomit. Carpet-bombing Vietnamese civilians is not "heroism;" in fact, the Geneva Conventions say that it's a war-crime. QUESTION: If strangers from another race were to invade America and napalm our civilians, would you call those people "heroes?" FOLLOW-UP: Since we all know that McCain was commanded to fly his bombing-missions from the very White House you seek to occupy, what changes do we need to make in the conscience of America to make sure our leaders don't keep committing the same barbarous acts over and over again? We can't really be this blind to what we've done to innocent civilians -- and, in the process, to ourselves -- can we?

Can we?

3. Fidel and Raul Castro overturned an American-run dictatorship in Cuba that served as a dope-and-guns supermarket for the Mafia and CIA, and a 24/7 house of prostitution for slumming American businessmen. Leading a group of just 17 revolutionaries, they staged what has to be objectively viewed as the most astonishing revolution of all time. Before they took power, Fulgencio Batista, the US-installed dictator, liked to start his business-days by violently deflowering a pre-teen virgin on his desktop. When they began their revolution, the population of Cuba was almost entirely illiterate, and its health-care was the worst in the Northern Hemisphere; now it leads all developing countries on both scores, and its health-care is far superior to anything either of you have proposed. And they've managed to accomplish all this, and more, while facing endless assassination plots by the US government.

QUESTION #1: Accepting the idea that their revolution -- like ours -- is far from perfect, what has either of you ever done, or dreamed of doing, that is even vaguely equivalent to their accomplishment?

FOLLOW-UP #1: Why should men like that have to petition YOU to have a meeting?

FUN FOLLOW-UP #2: Didn't you laugh your ass off when Bush ordered Raul Castro to set free his political prisoners at a time when WE'RE torturing political prisoners in his country?

5. One of every hundred Americans is in jail. One of every 30 black men is in jail. QUESTION: What the hell? Are we just a nation of damn criminals or something? If not, how did we get here, and how do we turn it around? Specifically -- are you ready to work towards the repeal of the draconian and self-defeating drug-sentencing laws imposed in the '90s, and the moronic "three strikes" laws in various states? And how do you propose to end the selective prosecution of young black men in America?

Senator Clinton, Senator Obama, you see where I'm going here. Hell, I'm just "getting warmed up," so to speak. We had 20 freaking debates, for God's sake, and we still haven't asked so many burning questions. I can't just keep howling to myself in fluorescent-lit men's-rooms while the nation I love so much keeps obsessing over red telephones! Gimme a freakin' break here! Because in the end, it's not the paint-by-numbers "questions" that I've been asking, or that Wolf Blitzer's been asking -- it's the questions that you, Senator Obama, and you, Senator Clinton, ask yourselves, in what Saint John of the Cross called "the long dark night of the soul."

We all know just how long, and how dark, that night can really be. So I pray to God that you both never stop asking hard questions of yourselves, and seeking truthful answers. Yeah, I know it's scary; but hey, John Kennedy didn't call his book Profiles in Cringing, did he?

Let the debate begin!

Comments

[MariaHopeful]

Ah, but we are not interested in really answering real questions. We are all about sound-bites and gotcha moments. We are all about who can most convincingly say these poll-test phrases eg "As President of the United States, I will..." And the political/social climate does not allow us to honestly address questions with any clarity or honesty. Many more questions to be asked.

[kuulray]

Also, what happened to question #4?

[Berettasskeeter]

Your comments about Castro and Bautista are laughable. Bautista was no innocent, but Cuba had almost full literacy, the highest standard of living per capita in the Western Hemisphere, and net immigration. Under Castro, health standards have fallen to a hemispheric low, people are frantic to get out, and literacy suffers because dictatorship rules. Plus, under the Castro brothers, of whom Raul was by far the bloodiest, more men, women, and children have been murdered than Bautista ever considered.
Where in this country are we torturing political prisoners? I'd like to also go against that!
I disagree with the War on Drugs, having worked as a Corrections Officer and seen the unforeseen consequences. However, the fact that 1-in-30 black men are in prison, if true, has only little relation to the average small-time hood. It has to do with who commits the higher percentage of violent crime, and against who.
Semper fi

[truth101]

LIES about history should be clarrified. At the time Castro came down from the mountains Cuba was one of the most stratified countries in the world, and Havana the worlds' most famous brothel outside of Saigon. Literacy rates and education and health care were hardly better than prior to Columbus.
Castro suceeded because the situation was horrific, and a vast number of Cubans recall this well.

[1dogs2]

Cite the sources of your misinformation about pre-Castro conditions and post-Castro Cuban health care.

Both you and the article are in error regarding the incarceration rate for blacks. The most recent statistics are that 1 in every 15 blacks is incarcarated, not 1 in 30, many of whom are serving long sentences for non-violent drug offenses.

[SBlackmun]

Great piece, John. Wish Russert and Williams had a touch of your energy, not to mention your sense of humor!

Sarah in Santa Barbara

[Countess]

Clinton will push to make sure more black men are in jail so they can't vote against her. She will be a brilliant commander in chief with all her clusters bombs that she can't wait to drop on Iran's women and children but then aggain she has worked her life for children.