In our minds, we had already been married for over a decade, but on this particular morning, we would be newlyweds. After driving through the night from Los Angeles, Duncan and I watched the sun rise as we drove across the Bay Bridge into San Francisco. We were parked and standing in front of City Hall before 6:00 am. A few other couples had arrived earlier, some were rolling up their sleeping bags, having camped out overnight. Their mayor Gavin Newsom had announced the previous evening that clerks would issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples that Friday morning, February 13, 2004, kicking off the Valentine's Day weekend.
Within a few hours, strangers had brought us all coffee and muffins and the line had grown to over 300 people. The doors opened at 9:00 am and we were led deep into the building, arriving to the Clerk's Office. I will never forget the enthusiastic smiles and kind words from those county employees that morning. They were, to say the least, overwhelmed by the prospect of processing so many applications--and they showed us respect that we had never imagined would be ours while seeking to be legally married.
Truly, all hands were on deck. They had deputized many members of the office staff to help accommodate as many couples as possible. The elected County Clerk herself, Mabel Teng, officiated our ceremony. It was not until she asked for the rings that we remembered we needed rings. Of course, we had been wearing our rings for ten years, so after searching our pockets absent-mindedly, we both just took off our rings and handed them to each other, evoking a belly laugh from the crowd that had gathered on that grand staircase under the dome of City Hall.
Something Mabel said to us that morning will stick with me always. After learning that we had made the trip from Los Angeles, she said, "We welcome you to San Francisco, we are honored that you have come to us, and it is my sincere hope that you would consider this a home for your family." I was overcome by her welcome and her warmth.
While most Americans have not learned to expect kindness from public employees, it is a beautiful thing. It is in these times of change that, if we pay attention, we see each other's humanity.
Fast forward another decade to Summer 2015. While many similar scenes are unfolding across the country now, my butterflies are back. I am disheartened by the news of politicians, judges, and clerks in some states instructing their staffs to resist the Supreme Court's ruling. My mind is on the couples who are now calling, scheduling, and meeting face-to-face with clerks and deputized marriage commissioners that fate and history have paired them with. I cringe for those who will face reluctance, lack of enthusiasm, or even worse... because they will likely take this maltreatment personally.
For sure, some have already endured insult and disrespect under color of authority from those people entrusted to deliver equal treatment.
In the majority ruling, Justice Kennedy referenced the denial of dignity and how the Equal Protection clause applies to our unions. In retort, Justice Roberts insisted that the constitution contains no "dignity clause." After reading the full text of all four dissents, that is what it boils down to: Justices Roberts, Thomas, Scalia, and Alito simply cannot see this "dignity" facet of the vision for our "more perfect union" that the majority five Justices believe inspired our founders. Unfortunately, their dissent emboldens some public servants to forget their oaths.
"Separate but equal" diminishes us all. I guess those of us who have suffered the diminishment have a greater sensitivity to it.
In my opinion, this chapter in our history boils down to a simple lesson in civics. If we have, indeed, eschewed a theocracy in this "great experiment" of American democracy, we really cannot conflate the church and state. Government employees must look past their own beliefs to see our shared humanity, which includes a fundamental right to dignity.
I am sure the coming weeks will deliver many reports of the ugliness that is happening in this cultural shift. Those abusing the power of their positions as elected and appointed officials may claim moral high ground, but I expect they will quickly learn they are in the wrong profession.
John and Duncan and their children live in Los Angeles and will celebrate their 22nd anniversary in September 2015.
San Francisco County Clerk Mabel Teng organizes the chaos of couples seeking marriage licenses in February 2004.