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John K. Herr
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John K. Herr is a speechwriter and standup comedian ("Herricane") based in Washington D.C. He has written for three Governors and four Cabinet secretaries, and wrote jokes for President George W. Bush. He can be reached on Twitter @jherricane or at his website www.herricane.com.

Entries by John K. Herr

Yes, Washington: Accepting American Exceptionalism

(0) Comments | Posted July 7, 2015 | 12:14 AM

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say America is not exceptional. Dad says, "If it's in the Huffington Post you can boast." Please tell me the truth; is America exceptional? -- CURIOUS IN WASHINGTON

WASHINGTON, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected...

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Take Two Polls and Call Me in the Morning

(0) Comments | Posted June 8, 2015 | 4:32 PM

Thank you for coming in for your political checkup.

I'm Dr. Herr. No, we no longer use the term "spin doctor." I'm a campaign management health specialist. Don't worry, honest mistake.

So let's take a look at your chart, Mr. Perry. You just announced you're running for president, right? Mm-hmm....

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A Class Clown Says Goodbye to David Letterman

(3) Comments | Posted May 18, 2015 | 12:01 PM

I got my biggest laugh as a class clown in 8th grade.

The year was 1980. Mrs. Appleby was a cartoonist's drawing of a schoolteacher: silver hair in a bun, chained bifocals, a perpetual pucker.

Each morning she would ask us for an example of "earth science in the...

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Pulling Our Punches in Paris and Beyond

(0) Comments | Posted January 20, 2015 | 11:50 AM

The circulation numbers for the first issue of Charlie Hebdo since the Paris massacre have reached 7 million, according to news reports -- which means the next group of jihadists will have to buy a helluva lot more ski masks.

I wouldn't put it past them, though. Jihadists...

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My Top Ten 'Top Ten Critics List' Critic's List

(0) Comments | Posted December 27, 2014 | 11:35 PM

What a year for TV drama! Trigger-happy cops, CIA torture, outbreaks -- and that was just on CNN!

Bazinga!

Sorry, got carried away. But face it, we all got to watch 24 starring Dick Cheney and Michael Hayden -- Mad Men starring Kim Jong-un -- and The Walking Dead starring...

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Pet Shop Boys: Finding Your Furry Partner

(0) Comments | Posted December 14, 2014 | 3:58 PM

It's that time of year, when illegal puppy mills and irresponsible kitten owners gear up for the holiday pet-giving season. Happy children will soon be cuddling these tiny furry bundles while visions of YouTube ad dollars dance in their parents' heads.

You don't have to have kids to get a...

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A Bachelor's Life for Me

(0) Comments | Posted November 30, 2014 | 4:29 AM

Got a great place but with no one to share,
Two beds and two baths but no one is there,
What's in my fridge? Iced tea and cold air,
A bachelor's life for me.

Traditional holidays? Got 'em all beat,
My Thanksgiving bird is my dumb...

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Arms Control: Stopping a Silent Scourge

(0) Comments | Posted November 15, 2014 | 11:16 PM

Ally Dalton is ready for her close-up.

In the wake of the notorious New York City catcalling video, the 36-year-old website designer has discovered her life's mission: to warn women and young girls about the phenomenon of "arming."

What is arming? Simply put, it's the move a guy...

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Eat, Weigh, Love: Reaching Your Fat Milestone

(0) Comments | Posted November 12, 2014 | 1:27 PM

Congratulate me! Got on the scale this morning and I'm down 150.

Actually, I accidentally hit that little button that converts pounds to
kilograms. (How great is the metric system? I might move to Canada.)

I don't want to be...

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E-BOO!-la

(0) Comments | Posted October 31, 2014 | 12:57 AM

Hello, my name is Dr. Francis Collins, and I am the director of the National Institutes of Health. Thank you for joining us for this live-blogging session. I am here to answer all your questions about Ebola or any other health issue. Let's get started.

Q: Good morning Dr. Collins....
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A People's Holiday of the United States

(1) Comments | Posted October 15, 2014 | 9:59 AM

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Tuesday, October 14, 2014

WASHINGTON -- President Obama today thanked the American people for "standing up to oppression" by protesting the Columbus Day holiday. He vowed to take aggressive action to "right the wrongs of our current...

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Who Said It? Blink-182, Sum 41, or Malcolm X?

(0) Comments | Posted July 20, 2014 | 12:03 AM

It's time for America's favorite Internet game, Who Said It?

Who said it -- Blink-182, Sum 41, or Malcolm X?

There are 15 quotations below, all attributed to one of the three. Who said which?

Was it the hit-making '90s punk-pop trio from Poway?

... the hit-making '90s punk-metal quartet...

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Random Remembrances of Dad

(0) Comments | Posted June 16, 2014 | 12:32 PM

Dad didn't go to college.

Dad served in the U.S. Navy in the Philippines. He was in the Seabees. He helped survey and build the Subic Bay Naval Base.

Dad once caught and cooked a wild jungle boar.

Dad worked for the same company his whole life: Baker Engineers. He...

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Her and Him: Getting Lost in America

(0) Comments | Posted January 27, 2014 | 2:50 PM

Her tells the story of a man falling in love with a machine ("Been there, done that" say the nation's women.) The movie, nominated for an Academy Award for Best Picture, is set in the future. But let's not forget about the electronic operating system we love now:...

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21 Rock Song Titles That Would Make Terrible Bar Pickup Lines

(0) Comments | Posted January 26, 2014 | 9:03 PM

"I want you to want me." -- Cheap Trick

"Don't stand so close to me." -- The Police

"I wanna be sedated." -- The Ramones

"I know what boys like." -- The Waitresses

"Girl, you'll be a woman soon." -- Urge Overkill

"Get out of my dreams, get Into my...

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The Suitcase: A Christmas Miracle

(0) Comments | Posted December 22, 2013 | 6:21 PM

Do miracles occur more often this time of year, or are we just more attuned to them?

A miracle may have touched the Farmer family of Altoona, Pennsylvania.

Bobby Farmer, 35, drove to his mother Abigail's house for Christmas, as he always does. The two headed north for the four-hour...

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Growing Up With Nelson Mandela

(1) Comments | Posted December 6, 2013 | 7:23 AM

The greatest American civil rights leader of my lifetime was a South African.

I say this not just because Nelson Mandela's fight for equality and justice followed a path blazed by Henry David Thoreau and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I say this because he carried the torch for freedom...

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STEM Sells: Getting the Female Perspective on Math

(2) Comments | Posted November 27, 2013 | 11:23 AM

Have you seen this viral video of three little girls building a Rube Goldberg-style "Princess Machine"? It was made by GoldieBlox, which is trying to encourage a love of math and engineering by designing construction toys "from the female perspective."

Set aside the complaints that it's...

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President Obama's Press Conference on the Affordable Care Act

(2) Comments | Posted November 15, 2013 | 1:17 PM

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thank you. It's been six weeks since the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act's new marketplace has been open for business. And business is booming!

In the first month, 106,000 people have successfully signed up to get covered. This is about one-tenth of one percent of...

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How to Speak 'Politician'

(1) Comments | Posted October 28, 2013 | 4:24 PM

So you want to learn how to speak "Politician." Terrific!

First, you'll have to unlearn traditional English, with its emphasis on making rational thoughts clear through words.

Instead, obfuscate with half-truths -- or better yet, quarter- and eighth-truths.

Express righteous indignation over minor matters. Practice your hyperbole.

Disingenuously criticize things...

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