Take Two Polls and Call Me in the Morning

06/08/2015 04:32 pm ET | Updated Jun 08, 2016

Thank you for coming in for your political checkup.

I'm Dr. Herr. No, we no longer use the term "spin doctor." I'm a campaign management health specialist. Don't worry, honest mistake.

So let's take a look at your chart, Mr. Perry. You just announced you're running for president, right? Mm-hmm. First off, I don't like the looks of your campaign logo. It looks like a sperm wearing sunglasses, frankly. But let's move on.

I'm reading your campaign website now. "How Rick Perry Befriended the Real 'Lone Survivor' Navy SEAL"? You're trying too hard, Rick. We don't need the meet-cute backstory. This isn't "You've Got Mail."

And what's this -- "Perry Has Demonstrated Mastery of Foreign Policy in Speeches, Opeds, Videos and Interviews," eh? Just not in Texas! Hey, don't get mad, I'm just a physician.

Let's turn to your announcement speech.

"For years we had an outhouse, and mom bathed us in a number two washtub on the back porch." Good, you checked the self-made man box. I bet the other candidates wish they had an outhouse to brag about.

Next. "We have been led by a divider who has sliced and diced the electorate, pitting American against American for political purposes."

Mr. Perry, you just admitted that Barack Obama is good at his job. "Political purposes" means winning elections. The American people don't really care about uniting. You've heard of MSNBC and Fox News, right?

I'd go on, but I don't have time. A 2,800-word announcement speech? Really? That's a State of the Union Address.

I'm writing you a prescription for a diuretic. If you have to go to the bathroom more, your speeches might get shorter. Also take some gingko biloba, for memory. I saw you in the debates four years ago. Good luck.


Send in the next patient, please. Mike Huckabee, how are you doing? I see you on TV all the time. You're on more than the Duggars! Sorry, sore subject.

Listen, Mike, you're a media-savvy guy. But to show public forgiveness for an admitted molester while joking that you would have dressed like a woman in high school to shower in the girls' locker room is what we in the medical community call "cognitive dissonance."

I'm prescribing Alendronate. It's a osteoporosis drug. It will strengthen your spine so you can be tough on crime, and not just when it's committed by non-friends. It's standard Republican medicine. Democrats tend to have an allergic reaction.

Also, I'm looking at an X-ray of your campaign platform. You support something called the FairTax. Nowhere does it say what it really is: a national sales tax.

Think this through. I know you're a Washington outsider. But are you aware of Congress? Do you really want them debating how high to tax your gun purchases? Or, God forbid, your lavalier microphones?

Remember, you run for president with the Congress you have, not the Congress you wish to have.

You can pay the receptionist for the visit. You do have your Obamacare card, right? Joking!


Who's next? Ah, Senator Rand Paul. It's a pleasure to meet another man of medicine. My brother is an eye doctor. He visits my summer home sometimes.

Let's take a look at your chart. You have a lot of stamina. You get regular exercise fighting for difficult causes. You actually got the PATRIOT Act changed. Not even Bernie Sanders or Zacarias Moussaoui could do that.

But I'm concerned. A genetic test has revealed a recessive gene that could cause trouble for you later on. It's normally passed down by the father.

It flared up in 2010, when you admitted you had a problem with the public accommodations section of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. "I think it's a bad business decision to ever exclude anybody from your restaurant," you said. "But at the same time I do believe in private ownership."

You added that "this is the hard part about believing in freedom." Dr. Paul, excluding African-Americans from a restaurant is not freedom. It's something else entirely.

We thought we had cured this affliction years ago, but it's coming back. One of the symptoms is saying, "Why would you go to a place where you're not welcome?" Well, to put it in layman's terms, because this is America.

I know it took time for you to recover from that episode. But I believe the condition is chronic.

So I'm prescribing Provigil. It's a so-called "smart drug." It will help you think more clearly so you can avoid advocating pre-civil rights era policies. You should also take Xarelto. It ensures the flow of blood to the heart.


Do we have anyone else in the waiting room? No? Don't tell me Jeb Bush cancelled again. I just hope I can squeeze him in before the Iowa caucuses.