'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the land
No legislation was stirring
Except a bad health care plan

Big Pharma and Democrats
Fought for its adoption
While Obama denied
Running on the public option

General McChrystal recommends more forces to deal with misfits like Spotted Elephant

WASHINGTON - Despite polls that show most Americans sharply opposed, President Obama will deploy 30,000 troops to the Island of Misfit Toys.

"The island is exporting things like choo-choos with square...

The war in Afghanistan is now less popular than Facebook's Mafia Wars

My fellow Americans,

These are the times that try men's approval ratings. As you know, my Afghanistan policy has taken more hits than the rear window of Tiger Woods' SUV.

The...

The Pilgrims came to this country so they could practice religious freedom, and also so they could wear big hats made out of black construction paper. They invented Thanksgiving, which consists of sitting down and having a nice meal with people you can't stand the rest of the year. A...

WASHINGTON - Buoyed by the passage of Saturday's health care bill, the House of Representatives today voted to skootch up the end of the world to 2010, to give lawmakers a chance to address it before the mid-term elections.

They also included a provision allowing individual states to "opt out"...

I waited until we were all strapped into our seats and I heard the stewardess asking Teddy if she could bring him a drink. He refused, as he always does in public, and just as the stewardess finished her spiel I leaned over the seat and said, 'How about some...

"Health...the final frontier..."

Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Chekhov and an anonymous security guard have beamed down to a planet's surface. Lest there be any confusion, these are the characters from the 1960's television part of the 23rd century.

If you're happy with your health care debate, you get to keep it. If you're not happy, or you simply cannot afford to participate in dialogue, you get to shout it down until there's nothing left of it.

WASHINGTON - In an...

No matter what the plan, you will not be able to choose which golf course your doctor plays on

A health care expert who has asked to remain anonymous has agreed to provide answers to some pressing questions on the subject of national...

The Man of Steele: Truth, Justice and the Pharmaceutical Companies' Way

WASHINGTON - Michael Steele, the Chairman of the Republican Party, said President Obama's current health care proposal threatened to undermine not only health care, but the very concept of unaffordability itself.

Say say say / What you want / But don't play games / With my surveillance

WASHINGTON - The United States has begun a massive effort to find something positive to say about Dick Cheney, the first vice president it has become impossible to...

Ensign: "I did not pay for sex with that woman"

WASHINGTON - Due to the recession, politicians who only a year ago were able to afford prostitutes and mistresses may actually have to engage in sexual acts that do not go beyond the...

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court delayed the sale of most of Chrysler's assets to Fiat by telling the carmaker, "Wait a minute. I have to go in the back and talk to my boss," an old negotiating ploy that heretofore has not been used on the sale of a whole...

YEONPYEONG, South Korea - North Korea test-fired another missile Friday, but couldn't get anyone in the U.S. government to get upset, make a speech or even call it a "crisis."

"What the hell is this?" said North Korean President Kim Jong-Il. "The Cuban Missile Crisis generated fear, books, movies and...

WASHINGTON - When President Obama announced that he would nominate federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court, to become the nation's first Hispanic justice, Republicans didn't know how to react for the first time since Walter Mondale said "I like President Reagan" in 1984.

"I know I'm...

In his speech at Notre Dame, President Obama asked for a change in tone in the nation's debate over abortion, somehow missing the point that the debate's main appeal IS the awful, strident tone. Nevertheless, abortion debaters wishing to tone it down can adopt some new ideas immediately.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Even while winding down the current failure in Iraq, the U.S. is ramping up its inevitable quagmire in Afghanistan. "The time for long, drawn-out disappointments is over," said a Defense Department spokesman. "We can fail to achieve our aims, disillusion people and go deeper into debt much...

Space. The not-so-final frontier. These are the remakes of the Starship Enterprise. Its never-ending mission: to explore strange old worlds, to seek out old plots and old novelizations. To boldly go where no one, except six TV series, ten movies and 591 books have gone before...

The Enterprise has gone...

Even more incredible than the coincidences between Lincoln and JFK are the uncanny resemblances between the genius Wall of Sound 60's record producer turned murderer and the stalwart Pennsylvania Republican senator turned Democrat.

Phil Spector: Until now, was always the biggest wacko at the party
...

WASHINGTON - After weeks of trying to decide exactly what distinguishes "torture" from the more socially acceptable practice of near drowning, government leaders are considering the sliding scale of morality employed by vegetarians.

Just as not all vegetarians follow the same rules, neither would all interrogators. Some vegetarians eat...