THE BLOG

Dracula vs. The Recession

04/15/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

SCENE ONE

Transylvania, late afternoon. A village inn. Jonathan Harker speaks to the innkeeper.

HARKER
I say, I must get to Castle Dracula.

INNKEEPER
Oh, you mustn't go there.

HARKER
Why not?

INNKEEPER
In the castle there are vampires. You are a fool who knows nothing of vile creatures that feed on the blood of the living!

HARKER
I am a real estate agent.

INNKEEPER
Oh. I guess you do know.

SCENE TWO

Midnight, outside Castle Dracula. Harkin knocks on the door. Dracula opens it.

DRACULA
Listen to the children of the night. What music they make!

HARKIN
I don't know the Children of the Night. I'm a Radiohead fan myself.

DRACULA
Listen! The wolves! Hear how they pierce the veil of darkness with their wanton cry!

HARKER
I'd love to be all goth with you, Count Dracula, but we have business to discuss.

DRACULA
Yes, of course, you are here in regard to the sale of Castle Dracula. I trust everything is in order?

HARKER
Everything WAS in order, Count, but that was before the recession.

DRACULA
Recession?

HARKER
Yes, downturn, debacle, crisis, the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression?

DRACULA
(Muttering) I must have missed it.

HARKER
What do you do all day? Don't you get CNN or MSNBC?

DRACULA
I do not watch...cable. They won't hook it up at night.

HARKER
Count Dracula, when you listed your property with us, you were asking $6.2 million. But then the castle bubble burst. Now you'll be lucky to get $75,000.

DRACULA
I can't afford to pay my mortgage! I can't generate an income. I'm undead.

HARKER
Well, now you're unsolvent.

DRACULA
I am still Dracula, Prince of Darkness! There must be someone I can complain to.

HARKER
There is one. But I wouldn't tangle with her. She knows more and her teeth are sharper.

DRACULA
I am not afraid.

HARKER
Her name is Suze Orman.

DRACULA
Aaaaagh! Not her!

Dracula turns to go back inside. Harker pulls out a wooden hammer.

DRACULA
What are you doing?

HARKER
Sorry, Dracula, but I have other distressed properties to get to -

DRACULA
Noooo! I am a pop culture icon! I inspired Twilight, True Blood, Count Chocula -

Dracula winces as we hear the sound of a wooden stake being pounded. The camera pulls back to reveal what Harker has put into the ground - a sign that says FORECLOSED.

HARKER
Just be out by morning.

Harker exits. One of Dracula's wives comes out.

DRACULA'S WIFE
Shall I make up your coffin?

DRACULA
No, my cherished bride of all that is dark and evil. Better put all the coffins on Craig's List.