Ensign: "I did not pay for sex with that woman"
WASHINGTON - Due to the recession, politicians who only a year ago were able to afford prostitutes and mistresses may actually have to engage in sexual acts that do not go beyond the boundaries of law or marital vows.
Economists cite Senator John Ensign (R-NV), a 51-year-old with gray hair, who was forced to borrow $96,000 from his parents to pay off his mistress, dipping not only into his parents' retirement fund, but also into any hopes of affording another mistress.
"$96,000 is a lot for some trim," said one economist. "Even good trim."
He added that most Republican parents want their children to be able to afford things they could never have, like mistresses, and seeing them unable to do so was a source of heartbreak.
Governor Mark Sanford (R-SC) made headlines earlier this year when it was revealed that he kept a mistress in Argentina. But the cost of airfare, apartments and aftershave may now be too high for most governors, not to mention international implications.
"If politicians are forced to have sex at home," said one expert, "it could cause a ripple effect on the mistress-producing nations of the world."
Even that most venerable of political institutions - prostitution - may be hurt by the economy. Experts say that former governor Eliot Spitzer (D-NY), if he were still in office, would most likely be unable to afford the $80,000 he spent on escort services.
"That's too much for today's Democrat," said an expert. "Spitzer would have to settle for sex with his wife while fantasizing that she was an expensive 22-year-old from New Jersey."
Some politicians hope that a second stimulus package will include provisions for extramarital sex, but admit that such hopes are dim. "We need another $787 billion just to fuck around," said one. "We'll probably have to borrow it from Ensign's parents."