12/02/2009 10:18 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

First Draft: Obama's Surge Speech

The war in Afghanistan is now less popular than Facebook's Mafia Wars

My fellow Americans,

These are the times that try men's approval ratings. As you know, my Afghanistan policy has taken more hits than the rear window of Tiger Woods' SUV.

The meaning of my decision to send 30,000 troops will not be known until Bob Woodward writes the tell-all book. However, I will "finish the job," despite the fact that "finish the job" sounds awfully close to "mission accomplished."

I have not quite defined "victory," but today it is possible to set a precise timetable for a vaguely conceived outcome. Thanks to the latest digital watches, a war can now be ended at say, 8:14 a.m. on a Thursday.

This war has been penciled in to end in 2011. The year was chosen entirely for military reasons; it only coincidentally happens to be right before the 2012 elections and the end of the world as predicted by the ancient Mayans/current movie.

The war will be ended right after a giant surge. You can't just pull out of a quagmire that's dragged on for eight years. It's like breaking up with an insane girlfriend. You can't just dump her. You have to slowly build up to a screaming fight at the Olive Garden that allows you to move your stuff out of her apartment.

The biggest problem with war, aside from the actual killing, maiming and wounding, is that it no longer drives the economy the way it used to. That is why wars are getting shorter and shorter. At the rate we are going, we will declare war in the morning and be disillusioned by lunch.

For those who are disappointed that I have not repudiated all the military policies of George W. Bush (I've already surpassed him in ordering drone attacks in Afghanistan), remember, I am not just the president of America. I am also the president of the military-industrial complex. Eisenhower warned us about it. That was easy for him, he won World War Two. YOU try cutting off the armed forces, Blackwater and military contractors the same year you gave a bailout to the banks.

Things have changed since Eisenhower's time. For one thing, a bald man can no longer be president. For another, wars are no longer "won" or "lost," they are either extended or cancelled, like Glee or Oprah.

The war in Afghanistan is not another Iraq. It is not another Viet Nam. It was on track to be another Hundred Years' War, which actually lasted 116 years. Hopefully we can one day reduce war to a more manageable format, like Blu-Ray or Hulu.

Meanwhile, I am counting on this surge and the cooperation of a corrupt, discredited government of Afghanistan warlords to give me the peace I need to go with my Nobel Peace Prize.