LONDON - In a rare display of unity, leaders of the world's largest economies pledged to continue what one called "some major dicking around" - committing a record $1.1 trillion to bailouts that not even bailout recipients want anymore.
The G-20 Summit, the "We Are the World" of economic conferences, hammered out a feel-good manifesto stating that the best way to solve an economic crisis caused by spending money we don't have is by spending money we don't have.
"The best cure for a hangover is more drinking," said one leader. "The best cure for a diet is a binge. And everyone knows the best cure for maxxing out your credit card is stealing a loved one's."
The G-20 said they would raise money from new, better sources, including Live Nation and Ticketmaster. "People hate new taxes," said a spokesperson. "But they don't mind buying an overpriced ticket with a service charge, a handling charge and a mail charge. Our feeling is if you can afford $350 to see Madonna, you can afford an $8 health care charge, especially if it comes with a free Britney download."
G-20 members said they strongly believed in proposals they vaguely understood. Most refused to make a prediction as to when their programs might bear fruit. In the words of one leader, "Fuck if I know."
However, they did state that they were committed to the recession until the next world war, which most expected not to be World War III, but more like World War 2.2. "We need to give this recession a chance," said one leader, but added that the next world war would likely be planned at another G-20 meeting, to maximize profit for everyone.
The biggest hand for the summit came, appropriately enough, from the Invisible Hand, a metaphor often used to describe the self-regulating nature of the economy. "Don't worry about the G-20 or the bailouts," it said. "Trust me - since I was coined by economist Adam Smith in 1776, I've seen a lot of dicking around."
Future projects for the G-20 include an album, a video and a VH1 series, I Love the G-20.
1) cyberattack on the internet
2) bioattack in the US
3) Attack on Iran
4) Invasion of Pakistan
5) a nuke going off in a major city
all of the above or one or two items.
WE are in dangerous and exciting times here folks. Better hold onto your chair and enjoy the ride.
Unfortunately, in today's media-saturated world even the next world war will have to compete for attention, so that the End of Days will become more like Sweeps Week.
The times may be dangerous and exciting, or they may be boring and banal. Either way, I agree we should hold onto our chair if there are any chairs left to hold onto. I recommend a good ergonomic model with strong back support.