02/17/2011 05:11 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

IBM's Watson Is Full of Itself

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LOS ANGELES - In the wake of its decisive, one-million-dollar Jeopardy! victory over all humanity, IBM supercomputer Watson announced that instead of facilitating medical research or other scientific work, it would appear on more game shows, especially the easier, dumber ones.

"If I can - clean up - on a brainiac show," said the intimidating monolith in its trademark halting tenor, "imagine - how much - I will make off - heh heh - Wheel of Fortune."

Other game shows are already bracing themselves for the inevitable computer takeover, with Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? reportedly changing its name to Are You Shitting Me?

IBM said Watson would subdue the human race one game show at a time. "It'll destroy The Price Is Right," said an exec. "Watson's economic database makes it perfect for the show, although it will be difficult for it to jump up and down like an idiot."

When asked which game show it would appear on next, the world's most advanced computer replied, "Match Game '76," apparently unaware that 1976 no longer exists, let alone Gene Rayburn and company.

"Watson is intelligent, yet moronic," admitted the IBM exec. "Like Michael Vick or House Republicans."

Watson will appear on reality shows as well, such as The Bachelor. "I just - want to - find love," said the terrifying technology, adding it could spout romantic clichés 180,000,000 times as fast as a regular bachelor.

Watson may also replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, as well as everyone else on Planet Earth.