Lincoln Defeats Washington!

02/16/2009 06:10 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Presidents Day is primarily a tribute to Washington and Lincoln, and only partially a celebration of big savings on refrigerators, TVs, blenders, toasters, computers, printers, housewares, power tools, food processors, microwaves, bedding and shower curtains.

Without Washington and Lincoln, our presidents would just be a group of guys with no godlike, mythical icons -- like Duran Duran without Nick Rhodes and Simon Le Bon.

Abe Lincoln was recently voted the number one president by 65 historians. This is like the Golden Globes of history and a harbinger of how Abe might do at the upcoming Academy Awards.

Lincoln was born at the Abraham Lincoln Birthplace National Historic Site. His home consisted of a small log cabin and an adjoining gift shop. Abe was honest, but he didn't enforce the trademark on his cabin and never saw royalties from the Lincoln Logs people.

Lincoln's Gettysburg Address was written on the back of an envelope. Today he would have entered it into his iPhone as the Gettysburg Text Message. Instead of "Four score and seven years ago," it would say 4SA7YA :)

Some of Lincoln's famous quotes need to be updated. For example:

"A credit default swap divided against itself cannot stand."

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. None of this explains David Blaine."

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to go on American Idol and remove all doubt."

Lincoln ended slavery, kept the union together and preserved democracy. After his untimely death he became a ghost who now haunts the Lincoln Bedroom. Under terms set forth in the Constitution, he is entitled to two Secret Service apparitions at all times.

By contrast, all Washington did was win the American Revolution, preside over the Constitutional Convention and serve as the first President of the United States. This qualifies him as number two, behind Lincoln, in the aforementioned historian poll.

This is reminiscent of last week's Grammys, when John Mayer beat Paul McCartney for Best Pop Male Vocal. However, unlike McCartney, Washington cannot come up with any new material, and his most recent release ("The Farewell Address") was in 1796.

Fortunately, Americans don't have to choose between the Father of Our Country and the Great Emancipator. On Presidents Day we honor both by choosing products, regardless of size, style or whether we can afford it. As it says in the Constitution, PREZ DAY SALES of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.