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John Marshall

John Marshall

Posted: August 11, 2008 12:09 AM

Russian Lampoon's Animal Dacha


August 6, 2008 -- Prime Minister Vladimir "Puto" Putin enters the dacha. Sitting around dejected are President Dmitry "Puto's Boy" Medvedev, Chairman of the Federation Council Sergey "Center-Lefty" Mironov, Chairman of the State Duma Boris "Gryzzle" Gryzlov, Foreign Minister Sergei "Surge" Lavrov and Defense Minister Anatoliy "Stork" Serdyukov.

PUTO: What's this lying around shit? Why aren't you invading?

STORK: Where the hell are we s'posed to invade, ya MO-RON?

CENTER-LEFTY: The Cold War's over. We're in the Age of Terrorism now.

PUTO: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing's over until we decide it is. Was it over when Austria invaded Poland?

SURGE: Austria?

GRYZZLE: Forget it. He's rolling.

PUTO: And it ain't over now! We need to invade and subdue South Ossetia, Abkhazia and Georgia! Let's go! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!

Puto runs out. Nobody follows. Puto comes back, looking disgusted.

PUTO: What the fuck happened to the Russia I used to know? This could be the greatest post-Cold War expansionist period of our lives. But you're gonna let it be the worst. "We're afraid to bomb, pillage and lay new gas pipelines with you, Puto. We might get a disapproving U.N. Security Council Resolution. Tom Stoppard might write another boring play about us."

Well, you can kiss my former KGB ass! From now on, peace is dead! Non-military solutions, dead! Worrying what they think of us at the Olympics, dead! Joining the 21st century--

PUTO'S BOY: Dead! Puto's right. We've been moping around like we need to respect our neighbors' territorial integrity. This situation requires that a really futile and stupid geopolitical gesture be done on some nation's part.

PUTO: And we're just the ones to do it.