Snow Won't Affect Decline and Fall of Western Civilization

04/12/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011


Meteorological expert Sam the Snowman says, "You call that snow? I've seen bigger flakes in the Republican party."

WASHINGTON - The second snowstorm to hit the Northeast in less than a week will not affect the gradual, inevitable decline of Western society, according to officials at the U.S. Treasury Department, the National Weather Service and The History Channel.

"Sure, adverse weather can slow an economic downturn," said one official. "But it can't keep things from sliding into the ocean completely."

The ability of individuals, corporations and now foreign governments to influence Congress will not be affected by the blizzard. "In the old days you had to trudge through the snow to grease people's palms," said the official. "Now they can do that on-line."

Toyota announced that treacherous road conditions would have no effect on its cars' gas pedals or brakes. "They already don't work properly," explained Toyota president Akio Toyoda, adding that recall letters might be slowed, but still mailed.

The White House said that regardless of how much snow piles up, it was committed to achieving America's dream of televised bipartisan meetings on C-Span. "Anyone who disagrees with me," said chief of snow Rahm Emanuel, "is a fucking developmentally disabled individual."

Although a foot of snow is expected to accumulate, it will have no effect on NBC's inability to profit from the Winter Olympics. "We built up our entire coverage around Lindsey Vonn and now she's hurt," said president Jeff Zucker. "Maybe we'll replace Lindsey's shin with Leno's chin."

The long-term forecast is bleak, but the five-day forecast is OK, according to the Invisible Hand, the economic term used to describe the self-regulating nature of the market. "It's all right to go sledding," said the metaphor. "Rome didn't fall in a snow day."


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