THE BLOG
06/07/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Star Trek: Live Long and Repeat

Space. The not-so-final frontier. These are the remakes of the Starship Enterprise. Its never-ending mission: to explore strange old worlds, to seek out old plots and old novelizations. To boldly go where no one, except six TV series, ten movies and 591 books have gone before...

The Enterprise has gone back in time and is orbiting 21st century Earth. A man in a suit suddenly appears on the viewscreen. Captain Kirk leaps out of his seat.

Kirk: Who is that, Mr. Spock? I can't make head or tail out of what he's saying.

Spock: That's Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner, Captain. He is attempting to reassure people on Earth about what later became known as the Great Recession.

Kirk: Is that the one that lasted a hundred years?

Spock: One hundred-thirteen years, eight months, fourteen days, twelve hours and nine minutes.

Bones: Show-off.

A young woman with a clipboard beams onto the bridge. She darts around, making notes.

Kirk: Excuse me!

The woman pays no attention.

Kirk: I'm talking to you! Who are you? A Klingon? A Romulan?

Woman: No, I'm from Paramount. I'm a location scout. This spaceship is so retro! Our demographic is gonna love this!

Kirk: Mr. Spock, what is this demographic the alien is referring to?

Spock: 18-to-35-year-old males, Captain. In the early part of the 21st century, they couldn't hold jobs or sustain adult relationships, but they single-handedly held the power to open movies on a Friday night.

2009-05-08-startrek_barbiedolls.jpg
Originality? It's dead, Jim.

Kirk: Find out what the alien wants. Do the Vulcan mind meld.

Spock places his hands on the woman's head.

Kirk: What's in there, Spock? Spock?

Spock: Sorry, Captain. Her head is filled with something called Facebook. I was taking a quiz called Which 19th Century Novelist Are You? Turns out I'm Charlotte Brontë -

Kirk: Lt. Uhura, open a hailing frequency.

Uhura: There are no hailing frequencies. There are only hip non sequiturs.

Spock: Tweets, Captain.

Kirk: Dammit, Spock, I want answers! Who's in charge down there?

Spock: I'm not sure. But I think it's someone named Ashton Kutcher.

Woman: You guys are so old school! I'll try to get you in the story.

Kirk: Bones! Do something!

Bones: I'm a doctor, not a script doctor.

Kirk: I am responsible for the lives of 435 crewmen!

Spock: Not anymore, Captain. You are being relieved by the next generation. One that's looking to the past for visions of the future.

Kirk: What will become of me?

Spock: You'll work with another emotionless alien, James Spader. And you'll help people get deals on hotel rooms.

Kirk: We've survived tribbles, the Gorn, Deep Space Nine and Kirstie Alley. We're not done yet. Quick, let's get out of here. Mr. Sulu, set a course for Rigel IV. Mr. Sulu? Where is Mr. Sulu?

Mr. Chekhov: I cannot inwent an excuse, Captain. He's getting married to a guy in Iowa.

Captain Kirk: How is that possible, Mr. Spock?

Mr. Spock: The universe is changing, Jim. I myself am scheduled to marry a guy on Vulcan in seven years.

Woman: That's great! Can we use that?

Mr. Spock: Sure, why not?

Captain Kirk: No, Spock! Don't give in to her derivative demands!

Mr. Spock: A Vulcan's gotta eat, Captain.

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