01/28/2009 02:27 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Bristol Stomp

Sarah Palin created a new political category, Far Right Trash, when she announced that Bristol, her 17-year-old conservative, was pregnant and would bring the baby to term, rather than abort after the second semester.

The Alaskan jailbait plans to do the right thing and marry her high school statutory rapist, in what is expected to be a lavish shotgun wedding sponsored by Vogue and the NRA.

According to all reports, John McCain is not bothered and, as early as last Friday, was well aware his hot running mate's kid had been doing some serious fucking.

Besides, he reportedly thinks it's "quite something" that Bristol has been pregnant for five months, only fifteen months less than her mom has been governor.

Republican analysts used a somber, non-negative tone that they usually reserve for a hurricane or the news that one of their own underage girls has been playing hide the unprotected salami.

"This is a personal matter, not a public one," said a Republican official, with almost a straight face. "If you want to see something public, go on the Internet and find the famous photo of Sarah in the black mini and fuck-me pumps."

Pro-student life groups hailed Bristol's decision, renewing their mantra that "Life begins at homeroom."