Our new stimulus package aims to revitalize America by rebuilding roads, bridges and dams. However, out of 330 million Americans, 240 million of us "don't feel like" working on roads, bridges or dams, and the remaining 90 million have herniated discs.
Fortunately, there is no shortage of articles touting "recession-proof" jobs. Most have cited health care and liquid waste removal as areas with the most growth potential, meaning our economic recovery depends upon the twin poles of sickness and sewage.
For those who cannot work in those fields either, here are ten hot jobs that are recession-proof, depression-proof, and Decline and Fall of Western Civilization-proof. They may not be state government budget-proof, depending on where you live.
1. Mob Hit Man. Who says you have to be in the mob to be a mob hit man? Well, the mob does, but due to financial cutbacks, steady work is available to part-time contract killers. People always need killing, but in tough times, even more need to be "whacked" or "iced," due to nonpayment of debts, welshing on bets, showing disrespect, etc.
2. Foreclosure Sign Salesperson. Unlike most commercial signage, foreclosure signs are enjoying their best sales ever. Conveying a simple yet powerful message ("Foreclosed"), this sign is now America's most popular lawn decoration. Ironically, you can now sell enough foreclosure signs to pay for your own house free and clear.
3. Cadaver. More in-demand than life models, more respected than mimes, cadavers continue to enjoy full employment in pre-med, medical and necrophilia circles. No qualifications necessary; ultimately this job is the last one on everyone's resume, anyway.
4. Centaur. The original hybrid, this half man, half horse position is making a comeback. Today's centaurs can find work at the track, stud farms and productions of Equus. Most opt to live in inexpensive half stable/half one-bedroom units.
5. Air Guitar Player. Unlike the real guitar player, the air guitar player enjoys a distinct economic advantage, as his instrument is made of the cheapest materials available, 78.08% nitrogen, 20.95% oxygen, 0.93% argon and 0.038% carbon dioxide. Other air music jobs include air DJ, air American Idol judge and air payola collector.
6. Ne'er-do-well. Not as insensitive as the cad, nor as colorful as the rogue, the ne'er-do-well generally earns more than the layabout and the rapscallion combined, although not as much as the damned scoundrel. This position is traditionally found on the fringes of polite society, although experts predict that society will soon be pretty much all fringe.
7. Bogus "Green Idea" Promoter. The field of fake energy solutions is not only lucrative, but wide open to anyone willing to follow in the footsteps of "clean" coal, "biodegradable" plastic bags or "sustainable" Arctic Wildlife Refuge oil reserves. New fields include: Breathable Exhaust, Enjoyable Skin Cancer and Spiritual Nuclear Waste.
8. Sidekick. Sidekicks get half the glory, but receive big bucks just like main characters. Famous sidekicks include Robin, Ed McMahon, R2D2 and Dick Cheney.
9. Naysayer. Whereas in the past you couldn't afford the luxury of a negative thought, today negative thoughts, impulses and even hunches are easily affordable in all markets. Professional naysayers enjoy prominent positions in cable news and the Republican Party.
10. Suze Orman. The most lucrative recession job of all. You'll make a fortune telling Americans not to spend their money, except on your books and seminars. Great benefits and unlimited Oprah appearances. Unfortunately, this job is filled.