Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

John Marshall Headshot

'Twas the Night Before Xmas 2009

Posted: Updated:
Print

2009-12-24-Foreclosure3.jpg

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the land
No legislation was stirring
Except a bad health care plan

Big Pharma and Democrats
Fought for its adoption
While Obama denied
Running on the public option

The recession had gotten
My wife and me feeling
Like seeking employment
In drug dealing or stealing

But we never got sad
No, we never got weepy
We just cut non-essentials
Like food, clothes and TP

When out on the lawn
There arose so much strife
It sounded like Tiger
Being attacked by his wife

I sprang out the door
On the lawn was a frightener
A foreclosure sign
Hammered in by Tim Geithner

I said, "The recession's not over,
You see"
"True," said Tim Geitner
"If you're AIG"

"Banks don't need money," I said
"That's just greed!"
"They're too big to fail," he said
"You're too small to succeed"

Then I heard him exclaim
As he straightened the sign
"We gave you health care, OK?
Just keep up with your fines"

I went back in the house
My wife said "Why so down?
You haven't looked like this
Since you saw Cougar Town"

I said, "Bad enough there's no Santa
I feel so bereft
They believe in the right and the center
But not in the left"

"Fight!" said my wife
"Act on what you're feelin'!"
"Forget it," I said
"Let's just move to New Zealand"

John Marshall's fake Rolling Stone website, Tyrannosaurus Rocks, is currently showcasing its Top Nine Albums of 2009.