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U.S. Plans Afghanistan Failure

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Even while winding down the current failure in Iraq, the U.S. is ramping up its inevitable quagmire in Afghanistan. "The time for long, drawn-out disappointments is over," said a Defense Department spokesman. "We can fail to achieve our aims, disillusion people and go deeper into debt much quicker now."

Integral to the new plan was the ouster on Monday of General David D. McKiernan, the top commander in Afghanistan, because he was "too conventional." Activities such as accidentally killing civilians will now be achieved with cool, unconventional techniques.

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General David D. McKiernan was the first general to be dismissed from command of a theater of combat since Douglas MacArthur. But today, old soldiers never die . . . they go on a book tour.

Iraq has helped failure to lose its stigma, according to the spokesman. "We used to think we had to win," he said. "But if nobody knows why we went in, nobody knows what winning is. Now we believe war is like a dinner party - it's important just to show up."

At a Pentagon news conference, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates said, "Our mission requires new thinking and new approaches by our military leaders," which is code for "We couldn't buy a clue even if we had the money we already gave to the banks."

As the economically ailing United States becomes less of an empire and more like one of the pavilions at Epcot Center, some wonder if the government will finally heed the words of President Dwight D. Eisenhower to "beware the military-industrial complex."

"No," said the spokesman. "The military-industrial complex is one of the few complexes we have left. Although if we lose any more industries, it will be downsized to just a military complex."

For the rest of the Afghanistan conflict, the U.S. plans to strongly pursue a policy it vaguely understands. "Unlike Iraq," said the spokesman, "we hope that our failure will lead to four books by Bob Woodward."