US to Hold Free, Fair Elections

02/08/2011 06:42 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

WASHINGTON - In the strongest signal to date that the U.S. intends to promote U.S.-style democracy wherever possible, the U.S. announced it would attempt to hold free and fair elections in the United States.

"The U.S. is a complicated country," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "It has a loyal military and a strong police force. I don't believe the presidency will be taken over by a religious figure, although Pat Robertson has tried."

"There are factions in the U.S. that would like to see government work just for them," she continued. "This includes the Republican Party, the Tea Party, whatever party Rand Paul belongs to, the NRA, Big Oil, "Clean Coal", talk radio, Fox News and the people who friended Sarah Palin on Facebook."

"There are other U.S. factions which have better intentions, but less influence," said Clinton. "These include the Democrats, the Greens, NPR, Rachel Maddow, the Chevrolet Volt and the people who friended Janeane Garofalo on Facebook."

She said the U.S. was unique in that its majority party was somehow in the minority and its minority party was the majority. "I don't know how that happened," said Clinton. "Maybe I'll ask Frank Luntz."

She said a strong U.S. commitment to freedom and fairness in the U.S. was necessary for the U.S. to pretend to be interested in those things in other countries.

"As the world's leading democracy, we pursue business interests cloaked in vaguely democratic language," said Clinton. "We haven't always had to put our money where our mouth is, but then, we used to have more money than we do now."

She said the U.S. was pushing the "free and fair" idea because they believe in it and also because it worked well in focus groups. However, the U.S. would not entirely break with its pre-free and fair traditions next Election Day.

"We'll still have hanging chads and confusing ballots," said Clinton, "as well as polling places in high school gyms staffed by little old ladies who can't see and don't understand the concept of alphabetization when it comes to looking up your name in the registration book."

More governmental analysis by John Marshall is at Tyrannosaurus Rocks.