You're a Good Man, Charlie Darwin

03/16/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

On the occasion of Charles Darwin's 200th birthday, we should celebrate his ideas, even though some have been proved wrong. For example, Darwin mistakenly believed in survival of the fittest, while we have corrected that to survival of the richest.

Darwin has his naysayers. As evidence that man does not evolve, Darwin's critics point to the Bible or Joaquin Phoenix. Sarah Palin says people shared the earth with dinosaurs, which means she could see herself co-existing with a velociraptor but not Katie Couric.

The Creationists have not only made America number one in pseudoscience, but they have challenged widely held beliefs about the separation of church and red state.

Most, however, agree that the evidence for evolution is overwhelming. How else to explain the progression from heavy metal to hair metal to speed metal to death metal? Or all those CSI's? Or the transformation of one Jay Leno show into an even earlier Jay Leno show?

Darwin's theories are sound, but he is full of contradictions. He believed in natural selection, yet when it came time to choose a wife, he picked his cousin, which not only is unnatural, it barely counts as a selection.

Bible thumpers claim Darwin had nothing in common with the Bible, yet his daily ailments, such as severe stomach pains, vomiting, headaches and large boils qualify him as the Job of 19th century naturalists.

Was Darwin perfect? No. He wasn't right about everything. Some species just don't evolve, like sea turtles, spiny mollusks and Republicans.

The great man's work is still mysterious. We know that monkeys evolved into humans. But we still don't know why monkeys dressed as humans are hilarious.

How exactly did wolverines evolve into investment bankers?

And Darwin simply cannot help us understand the curious case of Benjamin Button.

However, few people believe in either evolution or Creationism. Instead, most subscribe to a new theory called Unintelligent Design. This holds that the world was created during the eight years of the Bush administration.

So, Charles Darwin, for your birthday I salute you with our latest evolutionary belief:

Only the strong survive. Unless they get a bailout.