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A Public Confession by a Gay Catholic

Posted: 07/09/11 12:29 PM ET

Of the many confessions I have made in my life, one will always stand out in my mind. It was Holy Thursday. I was in my early 20s. I was working as an associate at a large law firm on Wall Street, a job I had pursued relentlessly after finishing law school at a young age. Everything in life was going the way I wanted, imagined, envisioned and expected, except for one thing.

I approached the confessional with trepidation. Should I proceed to the traditional kneeler and maintain my anonymity? Or should I take a chance and encounter the priest face-to-face? I chose the latter. I entered, sat down, dispensed with the formalities and faced the 60-something-year-old priest. "Father," I said, "I'm gay."

I did not know what to expect. Fortunately, the priest was understanding and reacted with compassion. Relieved, I found myself telling him what I thought he "wanted" to hear: that my desire was to stay celibate. He listened very respectfully. As our conversation wound down, I prepared myself for the usual penance of Hail Marys and Our Fathers but instead he told me to "pray for an Easter miracle" which I took to mean to pray for my orientation to change.

That confession initiated a dialog that has continued for almost 20 years with many priests, friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances from an assortment of backgrounds who hold varying perspectives. In that time, the message I've heard from priests is that the church's issue is not homosexuality, per se; rather, the church has a highly consistent and singular approach to sexuality that encompasses all sexual expression outside of marriage, contraception and even masturbation. Since that confession, my relationship with the church has sometimes been rocky but it has also been an enduring one.

Memories of my confession flashed through my mind as I walked through the West Village amid much joy and celebration. New York's Catholic governor had just signed a marriage equality bill, a bill that would not have passed the legislature without the support of several Catholic Democratic Senators and one pivotal Catholic Republican Senator. I reflected, also, on the Father's Day blog New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan posted on June 18. In it, he asserted, "We would just as vigorously defend marriage from a demand by a heterosexual, or anybody else, to redefine the very nature of marriage to accommodate a relationship beyond that of one man and one woman." But in contemplating the presumed consistency of the words and actions of church leaders regarding gay rights, I realized this really isn't true.

Though I left the practice of law years ago to do church related work, I often approach issues that affect me personally from a legal angle, as if preparing for a trial. But after reading the Archbishop Dolan's message I found myself imagining what it would be like if I were entering that same confessional today as I did 20 years ago and the Archbishop - -or any church leader for that matter -- was my confessor. On that day almost two decades ago, my point of view was very similar to his. I embraced the seeming consistency of the Church's position. Today, as a more mature and, hopefully, wiser man, my own questions and insights regarding his and other church leaders' stances would be much more pointed.

The confessional conversation I imagined went something like this: "Archbishop, you said in your recent '60 Minutes' interview that marriage is 'one man, one woman, forever.' If marriage needs to be defended from modern adaptations, what is the church doing to outlaw civil divorce and remarriage? Where is the political mobilization to prevent avowed adulterers like Hugh Hefner and Charlie Sheen, who flout notions of marital fidelity, from obtaining civil marriage licenses? How vigorously is the church calling for constitutional amendments and voter referenda to confirm, or deny, these modern versions to an institution once considered irrevocable, eternal and exclusive?"

As the conversation progressed, I imagined asking even harder questions: "Is there any rational basis, either from the experience of states and countries where same sex marriages are legal or from peer-reviewed studies, that marriage equality has or will diminish marriages between heterosexuals? Isn't the church taking special aim at society's growing acceptance and recognition of same sex marriages and, more fundamentally, homosexuality?"

I imagine my confessor responding with concerns about children and child rearing, to which I would say, "You suggest there is not only a preference, but a right for children to be raised by a mother and a father. If that's true, why hasn't the church fought state adoption laws that allow single parents to adopt? What's more, gay couples with children exist (and will continue to exist) irrespective of whether marriages are legal or not. Denying the benefits of marriage to same-gender parents has been shown to detrimentally affect the children of these relationships but it doesn't prohibit their existence. Aren't you really arguing that gay parenthood should be outlawed?"

The Archbishop's response might then drift from "protecting marriage" to defending religious liberties against the state dictating that institutions must support behavior contrary to their religious beliefs. To which I would reply, "But it is widely understood that no priest, minister, rabbi, imam or other religious leader can be compelled to perform any marriage among any two people under any circumstance. There is zero case law under such a scenario as there is no legal basis to demand that a religious leader perform a marriage."

The archbishop responds, "If gay marriages are legal and a Catholic adoption agency that receives state funding does not want to place children in the homes of married gay couples, the agency is precluded from discriminating, thus trampling on the religious liberties of the church."

"But, Archbishop, would the church support the right of an adoption agency receiving state funding to refuse to place children with Catholic families on the grounds that it violated their consciences to do so? Would it be OK for such an agency to impose a blanket policy that it is always morally inappropriate to place a child with any Catholic family, presuming that all Catholic families are incapable of imparting the values such an agency might hold essential for the good moral development of children? Would Catholic taxpayers passively acquiesce to the use of their tax dollars by service agencies that blatantly discriminate against them? My understanding is that there were at least three confirmed cases of the Archdiocese of Boston having placed children with gay parents prior to pulling out of the adoption business altogether and the agency was compelled to articulate an actual policy which, by fiat of the local Archbishop, could not be promulgated in such a way to condone adoptions by gays and lesbians under any circumstances?"

The last line of defense would likely be the "slippery slope" argument. If we have same sex marriage, what comes next? People marrying their pets, as Brooklyn Bishop Nicholas DiMarzio has suggested? Bigamy? Polygamy?

Putting aside, for a moment, the inability of animals to form consent, a principal component of any valid contract, I would respond by distinguishing between behaviorial and status-based identity. One cannot be bigamous or polygamous without being in a bigamous or polygamous relationship. One can be gay irrespective of whether or not he or she engages in sexual behavior -- as many religious and non-religious people can attest -- and even if he or she is in a heterosexual relationship. Accordingly, prohibitions against bigamy and polygamy may be applied equally, irrespective of status-based orientation, while prohibitions against marriage discriminate on the basis of an immutable status.

All of this would lead our confessional conversation back to my original question: "Why is the church throwing scarce financial resources at fighting same sex marriage and not at other challenges to more traditional notions of marriage if, in fact, all are of equal concern to the church? Do you expect that by prohibiting gay marriages there will be fewer gay people? Will perpetuating disapproval of gay relationships stop people from being gay? Is homosexuality a contagion that needs to be circumscribed with societal disapproval? And if we accept, as science, medicine, psychiatry and even church leaders have concluded, that homosexuality is something that is neither chosen nor changeable, how will the denial of marriage benefits to gay couples serve to advance heterosexuality?"

Needless to say, my imaginary confession would probably not end as satisfyingly as my real encounter 20 years ago. In the intervening years, I've come to understand that the Easter miracle my original confessor asked me to pray for was not for God to change my orientation but for my ability to embrace who God created me to be. If I were given the same penance in my imagined encounter today, I can only conclude that would not be what the Archbishop intended. Fortunately, it's too late. That miracle has already occurred.

This column original appeared in CathNewsUSA.

John Mattras is a micro-credit financier and advocate who also organizes service projects and religious pilgrimages. He may be reached by email at john@franciscanspirittours.com.

 
Of the many confessions I have made in my life, one will always stand out in my mind. It was Holy Thursday. I was in my early 20s. I was working as an associate at a large law firm on Wall Street, a j...
Of the many confessions I have made in my life, one will always stand out in my mind. It was Holy Thursday. I was in my early 20s. I was working as an associate at a large law firm on Wall Street, a j...
 
 
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This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
04:42 PM on 07/25/2011
When I decided to come out as a lesbian later in life, I knew that the Catholic Church would not be part of my life anymore. That was a given. And, I don't miss it. Between being told that abortions are a sin, priests molesting young boys and that whole mess, and the financial settlements on the down low, I don't even want to be Catholic anymore. Who would?
02:47 PM on 07/14/2011
I say this as a Catholic who is on the fence about gay marriage.....I would question the claim that bisexuality and polyamory don't deserve "status" based justification for marital recognition. To claim that sexual orientation can only fall into two categories is hasty at best and prejudiced at worst. People who experience themselves as bisexual or polyamorous have just as much a right to question the 3 traditional aspects of marriage (gender, number and time) as do any homosexuals when they make a case for gay marriage. To be fair and open to an evolutionary understanding of sexuality, we need to consider all claims being made. The "slippery slope" argument is more an acknowledgement that our understanding of sexual orientation is being radically challenged by our knowledge of science, and is itself a major departure from the tradition. The Church has a lot of work to do.
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iLdoRight
Encouraging The Rightest Rightness
12:45 AM on 07/14/2011
On being "sexually normal". At age 17 the guys were raving about Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren and wanting to see what the fuss was about I went to movies featuring each and thought, "WOW ! there must be something wrong with me !" for I did not feel they had ANY appeal for me at all, but over the years I have seen perhaps 7-10 females who's physical beauty has caused my serotonin levels to skyrocket and their images to be etched into my memory, and there was one female who had zero commercial beauty who's kindness and consideration warmed me to the point where if she would have had religious beliefs similar to mine I would have committed to be faithful, loving, nourishing and supportive for life with only her. There are powerful commercial interests that are persuading both genders to be something repulsive to the "normal (rightly mentally adjusted)" gender opposite person. What would you want a person to be like if everyone else on earth disappeared and there was no one to criticize the person either of you were going to spend the remainder of your life with? Google iLdoRight for more of my comments.
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iLdoRight
Encouraging The Rightest Rightness
07:59 AM on 07/13/2011
What if you read of a large scientific study that showed a high percentage of those who practice homosexuality knew "real" reasons why they did so but a condition in their brain would not let them disclose the real reason or reasons?
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Pembrokelib
12:20 AM on 07/12/2011
It is too bad that you did not choose to leave the Church. It seems to me that you would have been happier without the guilt that so many priests instill in people, usually when they are very young. The Church condemns birth control and no one in this country or in Europe pays any attention tot this rule. Why worry about what a supposedly celibate priest thinks?
04:59 PM on 07/11/2011
Frankly I don't care WHAT people believe, as long as they don't harm others in the process. Case in point is the recent ranting of Brooklyn Bishop Nicholas DiMarzio, with regard to New York State's adoption of gay civil marriage. Hey guy, I know that you're full of fear and hatred, and it's difficult for you to become more and more irrelevant as time goes on. But please...at least TRY to live and let live, and to love and let love...... like your religion supposedly preaches. And for those gays (and others) that STILL attend church services for whatever reason, a suitable protest might be a condom.... slipped into a collection envelope. It's my subtle way of saying: Not with MY money you don't, Nick baby! Hmmm......this does however raise a delicate moral question: shall we make it a used condom, and really raise their holy hackles? Do Bishops even have hackles? Whatever, just remember that if you want any EXPERT advice on the topic of marriage, just ask the good Bishop...for a fee of course. Bless you.
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johnnybic
Seeking to impose the gay agenda since 1971
03:26 PM on 07/11/2011
As a former priest I can illustrate the poor logic of the Church's ongoing stance regarding homosexuality. If someone came to me in the confessional and told me s/he was having difficulty controlling his or her sexual appetite, that s/he struggled to control him/herself but could not stop engaging in anonymous sexual encounters, but that s/he was truly sorry, I would have been able to offer the penitent absolution and prescribe a penance. But if he or she came to me and told me s/he was in a committed relationship, the Church would require that I insist s/he end the relationship immediately as a sign of his or her true repentance. So, the Church which defines celibate chastity as an "unnatural" state (it is "supernatural," or requiring God's grace) in effect allows the profligate repeat offender access to the sacraments, but the individual struggling to maintain a meaningful, life-affirming relationship is turned away. And this makes sense because . . . .?!?
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Misterioso Adversario
THE THIRST MUTILATOR!
12:52 PM on 07/11/2011
I am not sure why anyone would willingly choose to be a member of a faith based organization who does its best to try to vilify and dehumanize you, or fight tooth and nail to persuade people to deny you equal rights, but I guess some people are just masochistic like that.
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detroitblkmale30
Wise Men Still Seek Him
09:42 PM on 07/12/2011
Gotta say that for the first time I actually agree with you in part anyway. Why bother trying to change something that is so clearly opposed to your actions.
12:17 PM on 07/11/2011
Bravo to John Mattras and may God continue to imbue his children with Easter Miracles. The church has centuries to change and recognize the movement of God's spirit in its life but we the faithful have only this life to live with dignity, integrity, serenity and the greatest gift that God gives each individual is His image as realized in each individual, to deny who one is believe is contrary to the Will Of God. To humbly embrace oneself with all ones sins and limitations I believe is the beginning of grace.
09:22 AM on 07/11/2011
Gays should be able to worship in any Roman Catholic Church they want, right? So let's have a name change for the Catholic Church, -LGBTQRCC- would this make -You- gays happy? Let's get the petitions started and this way we can pray for the day that we are one big happy family with a -God- that is happy that we love everybody, right???
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Misterioso Adversario
THE THIRST MUTILATOR!
12:50 PM on 07/11/2011
Still hilariously out of touch, will wonders never cease?
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r henry
I live between concrete walls
02:13 PM on 07/11/2011
What are you even talking about? The only reason gay people seek change within the church is because the church has such a strong grip on social issues and government policy. If this weren't the case then simply leaving the church would be a much more realistic option. However, if every gay person on Earth left their respective church for a more accepting one or gave up religion entirely, this would not stop those churches that condemn homosexuality from continuing to attempt to influence the government to deny us rights.
09:55 PM on 07/10/2011
It's impossible to be gay and still be a Catholic.
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BornOKtheFirstTime
pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo
10:23 PM on 07/10/2011
The many gay priests will beg to differ with you.
09:53 AM on 07/11/2011
I'm not a Catholic, but I suspect that a priest can also be gay. But he cannot be a practicing gay.
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Pembrokelib
12:25 AM on 07/12/2011
I like your pseudonym. Born again Christians are more annoying the second time around.
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BurtonDesque
Fear a Blank Planet
03:38 AM on 07/11/2011
The RCC does not agree.
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RedRat
Ignorance is fixable, stupidty is forever
08:05 PM on 07/10/2011
Well being gay and being Catholic seems to be mutually exclusive, at least based on current Church teaching. Being gay is a sin, according to the Church, and as much as you pray for an Easter Miracle, or whatever, you are what you are.

I support gay marriages and think that a gay couple should be able to adopt a child, being gay and married should not be an obstacle. However, while the state recognizes the legality of a gay marriage, I also feel that the state should not force a religious organization to accept a gay marriage. This is the state imposing its will on a religious freedom to choose what you wish to believe. I suppose if you were to carry the equal protection clause to its logical extreme, you could "force" the Catholic Church to accept women as priests. I am sure there are similar examples with other religions.

While I think that the Catholic Church is behind the times, I prefer that they rise to the occasion and change their attitudes and thinking on THEIR OWN. I prefer that wall between Church and State.

As to the case of the gay couple going to a Catholic adoption agency, isn't that kind of strange? Why would they do that? It is seems highly unlikely. The only alternative for the Catholic Adoption agency would be to drop their State support and rely entirely on the Church's support. I am uncomfortable about the State supporting any religious function.
KennebunkportIndependent
Back in my day, we had NINE planets.
08:43 AM on 07/11/2011
Fair point.  I too agree that whatever the law dictates about marriage, no church should be forced to recognize it within its beliefs,  so long as membership or involvement with that church is entirely voluntary.

Therein lies the rub.  The Catholic Church is not alone in placing great pressure upon its members to be active and observant.   It is difficult for a lifelong Catholic to just up and walk away from beliefs inculcated since the womb after realizing the gay thing in him/her won't go away.  It is understandable, if somewhat futile, to turn first to the church over gay adoption.

Catholic Charities is, I believe, the largest social service charity in the nation, and in some areas it is the only such resource.  This may be another reason why someone would turn to them first.

Adults can adjust, but I feel sorry for the children who may not find adoption because of this.  Gays and lesbians sometimes take on the children that traditional couples have rejected.  

Perhaps, in light of all recent revelations, the Catholic Church should not be in the business of looking after minor children.
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RedRat
Ignorance is fixable, stupidty is forever
02:00 PM on 07/11/2011
But at the end of the day, if you are gay and you know that is your true nature, what choices do you really have. Yes, you may have spent years as a "Catholic" but if the Church teaches you that your life and inclination is a sin, how can you stay. How can you stay true to yourself and still be a member of an organization that tells you that your are living in sin constantly? That has got to be psychologically devastating.

As to children, recent studies seem to indicate that they fair pretty well in gay couple relationships (marriages, civil unions, whatever you want to call them). I hate to see opponents of gay marriage falling back on that old shibboleth of "for the children", that crappy excuse has been used to impose some pretty intolerant rules, regulations, and laws.
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Ioan Lightoller
Proud Married Gay Pagan Man
09:23 AM on 07/11/2011
I think your concern about the State forcing the churches is unfounded. According to the Constitution, we have freedom of religion and that includes any religion's right not to perform ceremonies for anyone of whom they do not approve. If the State were to try to force churches to accept marriage equality any court worthy of the name would declare it unconstitutional.

As for Catholic Charities and the gay adoption bruhaha--if a church-run organization receives government funds they should not be allowed to discrimate. If, however, they are willing to do without the government funds then they can discriminate to their hearts' content.
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RedRat
Ignorance is fixable, stupidty is forever
01:55 PM on 07/11/2011
As in virtually all cases, it is always going to be about the money. Governments can apply pressure, and they do this every day, to both the private sector, local governments, and in this case to religions by holding the funding issue of the collective heads of religious leaders of any group that receives government funding. It is sometimes a subtle pressure, money always talks. Heck, the Mormons got "a revelation" about admitting African Americans into their colleges way back, i believe in the late 70s or 80s, because the wanted to be sport powerhouses. Sure, they will claim that it was voluntary and they went up to the mountain on their own, but it would be naive to believe that pressure of a discrimination suit or the money that Big Time Sports presents wasn't a factor.

At the end of the day, the Catholic Church and its various charitable agencies must recognize that they are running a business and those business practices must include fair practices as require by the law. If they do not want to deal with gays, then they must depend entirely on the Church and Catholic donations and refuse government aid.
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Pembrokelib
12:31 AM on 07/12/2011
Very true and sensible comment. I am sorry for the gay Catholics who are made to feel guilty by archaic rules which very few believe and which are harmful to many, gay and straight.
07:27 PM on 07/10/2011
Why is it that when the Catholic church stands for something, it is deemed archaic? Just wondering, do gays wait until civil marriage until they have sex? God never gave us the authority to rewrite his rules. Jesus save us.
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joemondo
Smug.
07:55 PM on 07/10/2011
Because it's archaic.

But if you like it, that shouldn't trouble you.
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r henry
I live between concrete walls
08:33 PM on 07/10/2011
Do heterosexuals wait until marriage before having sex? Not many. So, what's your point? At least we have an excuse. For most of us, marriage is not an option.
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BornOKtheFirstTime
pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo
04:10 PM on 07/10/2011
Judaism is much further along than Christianity in moving beyond the archaic and unjust antigay version of their religion. Reform and Reconstructionist Judaism view homosexuality to be acceptable on the same basis as heterosexuality. Progressive Jewish authorities believe either that traditional laws against homosexuality are no longer binding or that they are subject to changes that reflect a new understanding of human sexuality. They rely on modern biblical scholarship suggesting that the prohibition in the Torah was intended to ban coercive or ritualized homosexual sex, such as those practices ascribed to Egyptian and Canaanite fertility cults and temple prostitution. Even Conservative Judaism permits blessing same sex unions and ordination of openly gay rabbis. Appealing to concepts of human dignity and respect for others and reflecting its evolving understanding of human nature, it found rabbinic restrictions on homosexual conduct inconsistent with human dignity as contemporarily understood and accordingly declared such restrictions lifted. It analyzed the Biblical passages involved and found that male-male anal sex was the sole Biblical restriction. So no anal sex for gay Conservative Jews. But the rest is good.

It is encouraging that more and more individual Christians and Christian denominations are rejecting the antigay versions of their faith. It's only a matter of time until social justice prevails in the industrialized West and the religiously based persecution of LGBTs ends or is sharply curtailed. It's interesting that the majority of American Catholics have understood this evolution while their leaders obstinately remain agents of darkness and injustice.
04:53 PM on 07/10/2011
Where to begin?

What poll of Roman Catholics are you referring to, to make such sweeping statements about its members?

As for “social justice in the industrialized West” winning, my dear it already has.

Solely from a Catholic perspective, Christ the King has been dethroned in the West. Sadly, the Church itself has been a breeding ground for proponents of such heresies. But then again, this movement has been building since the Enlightenment.

As for modern theological exegesis, it often tells you more about the person writing it and what they are trying to prove than what the texts themselves actually say. But sacred scripture, from a Catholic perspective, was never meant to be the end all be all (as it is for Protestants). That is what sacred tradition is all about for us (as Catholics).

If you are a member of the RCC, please read the New CCC.
05:02 PM on 07/10/2011
A new report from the Public Religion Research Institute suggests a majority of Catholics are supportive of gay and lesbian rights.

The report, which was released today, found that 43 percent of Catholics favored allowing gay and lesbian people to marry; 31 percent favored allowing them to form civil unions. 22 percent said there should be no legal recognition of a gay relationship.

Here are a few more findings from the report:

— Only 39 percent of Catholics give their church top marks for its treatment of the issue of homosexuality.

— 56 percent of Catholics believe that homosexual sex is not a sin.

— When marriage is defined as a civil marriage “like you get at city hall,” 71 percent of Catholics support it.
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BornOKtheFirstTime
pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo
07:49 PM on 07/10/2011
A link to the research. It is a nonprofit, nonpartisan firm.

http://www.publicreligion.org/research/?id=509
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06:25 PM on 07/12/2011
Galileo proved the earth revolved around the sun, and it took the Church 500 years to officially recognize that, and apologize for torturing him as heretic....Rome does not know best....
Clevelandinwi
Progressive is good; regressive, not so much.
01:56 PM on 07/10/2011
I've always enjoyed reading about Catholicism and how little it is in line with the teachings of Jesus. One small thing: How many people did Jesus 'judge'? Got it yet? Just in case you don't know, the answer is NONE.
02:19 PM on 07/10/2011
You are correct, what you are describing is touchy-feely Christianity.
If that is what you want then fine. But do not say Catholics do not follow Jesus.

Catholicism: Jesus does, essentially, condemn no one. What he condemns is sin. “And Jesus said: Neither will I condemn thee. Go, and now sin no more (John 8:11).” When we sin, we separate our self from God. Through the sacrament of Confession, we are reconciled with Jesus.
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joemondo
Smug.
02:57 PM on 07/10/2011
Of course Catholic don't follow Jesus. They follow Paul, and added a lot of gold and dogma along the way.
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09:31 PM on 07/10/2011
If you follow Jesus..why do you pray to Mary an not pray to Jesus only?
If you follow Jesus ..why do you confess to a man an not Jesus?
If you follow Jesus ..why do you deny anyone to take communion when one confesses with his mouth Jesus is his Lord an savior instead they have to go through rituals of the chruch in order to take communion?
If you follow Jesus ...why do you pray to saints instead of Jesus?
John 14:6
Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No ONE can come to the Father except through ME.
02:18 AM on 07/11/2011
Of course, the truth about Jesus lies somewhere in between. Please read Matthew 23 and John 8 and you'll see clearly harsh words of Jesus toward the religious leaders of the day. And in John 5:22, Jesus said that the Father has "committed all the judging to the Son," namely, himself. In 2 Corinthans 5:10, it says that all will be judged by Christ according to the things they do, "whether good or vile." See also Acts 10:42; 17:31; 2 Timothy 4:1.

In the Gospels Jesus is portrayed as a kind, compassionate, patient, and approachable person with a keen understanding of human nature, and the hallmark of his teaching was love. But to say he doesn't judge anyone, and that he embraces and accepts all people regardless of their behavior or lifestyle, is simply not consistent with Scripture.