Let's say little Aaron has been punished for a moral infraction -- stealing a pencil from classmate Jimmy -- just before a test. The punishment was subtractive in nature -- Aaron would have no dessert that night. But Aaron was not just punished and left alone.
He was also given a magic follow-up sentence, one that makes any form of punishment more effective, long-lasting, and internalized.
Explanations given to Aaron ranged from "How could Jimmy possibly complete his test without his pencil?" to "Our family doesn't steal."
Here's what happens to Aaron's behavior when explanations are supplied consistently over the years:
When Aaron thinks about committing that same forbidden act in the future, he will remember the punishment. He becomes more physiologically aroused, generating uncomfortable feelings.
Aaron will make an internal attribution for this uneasiness. Examples might include: "I'd feel awful if Jimmy failed his test," "I wouldn't like it if he did that to me," "I am better than that," and so on. Your child's internal attribution originates from whatever rationale you supplied during the correction.
Now, knowing why he is uneasy -- and wanting to avoid the feeling -- Aaron is free to generalize the lesson to other situations. "I probably shouldn't steal erasers from Jimmy, either." "Maybe I shouldn't steal things, period."
Cue the applause of a million juvenile correction and law-enforcement professionals. Inductive parenting provides a fully adaptable, internalizable moral sensibility -- congruent with inborn instincts. (Aaron also was instructed to write a note of apology, which he did the next day.)
Kids who are punished without explanation do not go through these steps. Parke found that such children only externalize their perceptions, saying, "I will get spanked if I do this again." They were constantly on the lookout for an authority figure; it was the presence of an external credible threat that guided their behavior, not a reasoned response to an internal moral compass. Children who can't get to step two can't get to step three, and they are one step closer to Daniel, the boy who stabbed a classmate in the cheek with a pencil.
The bottom line: Parents who provide clear, consistent boundaries whose reasons for existence are always explained generally produce moral kids.
Note that I said "generally." Inductive discipline, powerful as it is, is not a one-size-fits-all strategy. The temperament of the child turns out to be a major factor. For toddlers possessed of a fearless and impulsive outlook on life, inductive discipline can be too weak. Kids with a more fearful temperament may react catastrophically to the sharp correctives their fearless siblings shrug off. They need to be handled much more gently.
All kids need rules, but every brain is wired differently, so you need to know your kid's emotional landscapes inside and out -- and adapt your discipline strategies accordingly.
Watch more parenting videos or learn more about your baby's brain at brainrules.net.
John Medina is a developmental molecular biologist and author of the New York Times bestseller "Brain Rules." His latest book is "Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five." He is an affiliate Professor of Bioengineering at the University of Washington School of Medicine. He is also the director of the Brain Center for Applied Learning Research at Seattle Pacific University.
Follow John Medina, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/babybrainrules
Dr. Phil.com - Advice - A Discipline Questionnaire for Parents
Parents: Now Rob, eat all your veggies.
Me: Why?
Parents: Because a healthy diet is good for you
Me: That makes sense
Parents: Don't play near traffic
Me: Why?
Parents: Because if traffic hits you, you will die
Me: Of course!
My parents had a magic trick for getting me to follow the rules.
If I did not do as I was told, I was given slap on the ear.
It was cheap, simple, and effective.
Sincerely, Derek Lantin. http://dereklantin.booksabuzz.com
- Rational Rules
- Consequences
Oh yeah, and parents who are willing and able to enforce them.
This is no great revelation to anyone, right? I don't understand who has, or is thinking of having, children that doesn't know this. But why do they all follow me to the restaurant?
The greatest difference was that in the U.S., children focused primarily on the fear of punishment in regulating their behavior--whether or not they thought they would get caught.
In Japan there was a much greater focus on the impact of students' behavior on others, and not on themselves. Whether or not they hit somebody or teased somebody, they were more concerned about how the other child would feel, rather than if they would get caught.
Japanese mothers typically emphasized that you should not tease others or hit others, because it hurts them and not because you will get spanked or get a time-out.
this probably dove tails (or could be fine tuned) with robert selman's (harvard) work on the developmental stages of social awareness
I think the first part should be emphasized above all the rest. I have a neice and nephew who are terrors, and the reason is obvious; the parents don't provide consistent messages. In fact, it's always way too much (e.g. yelling at the child for a minor problem) or way too little (e.g. not saying anything when the kids leave dirty dishes laying around or don't pick up after themselves). I get on-edge when I'm there, because the house is so chaotic. I can only imagine how difficult it is for the kids, who don't know what their boundaries are from one day to the next.
Reminds me of the time in 2nd grade when a boy stole my pen and pencil set with my name on both. I told the teacher and she told Scott to give them back to me. He said, "They're mine." She said, "They have her name on them." Did Scott, perhaps, learn that it's okay to steal stuff as long it doesn't have the owner's name on it?!
--Signed, Jebediah Manson
I somehow think stealing pencils is an easy one, however. Let me try a few situations out on you:
"Daddy! Justin put ALL the bay leaves in the chili that you said we were to take for lunches next week!"
"Pick the bay leaves out of the chili, honey, and give them to Justin. He can use them to make a salad ..."
"Mr. Jdaddy, your son Michael was just picked up for dropping firecrackers in construction site Port-a-Potties. We'd like to release him into your custody, but he won't leave the jail. Seems he thinks you will kill him."
"That's good, officer. That's a quality I've tried to teach my children. Don't tell him otherwise."
"Daddy, I'm pregnant."
"Again? Tracy, didn't I tell you to stop using that Magic Eight Ball for birth control?"
"Mr. Jdaddy, both your twins have got their arms stuck inside the pop machine."
"Boys? How did you manage that?"
"James made me do it!"
"That explains you, Sam. James, how'd you get YOUR arm stuck?"
"Sam said he was stuck and I wanted to prove to him that he couldn't be stuck ..."
"Rick, how'd the chihuahua get pregnant?"
"You remember when I didn't pay those parking tickets and the police stopped me for running a red light and they put me in jail?"
"Well, Chiquita was with me and so when they confiscated the car, they put her in a dog pound with a large German shepherd named Nelly. Turned out his name should have been Nelson."
"Jdaddy, I fell off my bike and broke my front teeth!"
"Your permanent teeth? Jonathan, why couldn't you have fallen with your mouth closed --- or at least back when you still had your baby teeth?"