The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage Vol.2 -- the People's Edition

This is the Vol. 2 of The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage. I'm calling this one the People's Edition because you, the people, have obviously been taking AP courses in talking Conservative. I've been slammed with responses. Enough that I can promise you there will be future volumes. Along with some of mine, I've mixed in a few of yours for everybody's linguistic pleasure.

Before we start, I'd like to note that I intimated in Vol. 1 that English is a Latin based language. Hondorf was among a few others who pointed out that English is "primarily German based, yes, but it is really a hybrid of Germanic and Romantic languages . . . by the way, I am a redneck."

Clearly, none of us should judge a neck by its color.

A reminder, we're collecting Palinisms here, and over at That Minority Thing.com. If you've got 'em, send 'em.

Ready? Let's begin!

If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you're a "phoney." Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you're "well loved."

SoyAA says: If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you." If you're white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you're "one of us."

If you give your wife a dap on stage, it's actually a "terrorist fist jab." If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child's hair on national TV it's an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).

DTD SAYS: If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you're an "extremist." If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you're a "fundamentalist."

If you're a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you're "uppity." If you're a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more schools over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).

SeanOcali says: If you're 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant "life happens." If you're 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you're a "registered sex offender."

If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," it's just "empty rhetoric." If one week before your party's national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," that's "red meat."

And your last lesson for the day:

If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you're female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial, multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you're a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist -- "Yes, we can!"

If you're a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, "Yup, yup!"

ThatMinorityThing.com

Comments

[imfedup]

AWESOME. Awesome. Awesome. Loved both parts.

[sueno]

Wonderful post!
Scary but true-

[Idiocracy]

So pathetic...

Typical Republican Christian values hypocracy...

Pathetic....

Obama/Biden 08

[jas4850]

Thank you so much for this article. There are so many hypocrisies it's sometimes difficult to keep them straight in our heads.

[Rianna]

Well said, and you hit the nail on the head....It has only been a week, and the republicans are swooning over an unknown woman. After Bush their expectations must be low indeed. A few minutes ago, a conservative pundit, stated that if MCCain lost this election, Palin would automatically be the front runner for the next election!!!! Unbelievable. They do not know a darn thing about her, how she will fare at interviews, or what her policies are, and yet they are going ga-ga over this woman, who seems to have ultra conservative views, and could be another Dick Cheney.

What is wrong with this country?

[Skua]

If you're white and grew up in Alaska, that's a "fascinating story."

If you're Black and spent some of your childhood in Indonesia, you're "alien".

-

Four hundred anti-war protestors being arrested in St. Paul are a non-story.

One woman with a McCain sign in Denver is a constituency.

[Adrienne Williams - Huffpost Blogger]

I think the line was "Hawaii and exotic"... How many people have been to Alaska, raise your hand? I think Sarah Palin is very exotic..

[Skua]

If you're a former POW running for office as a Republican against an opponent without military service, you're "the only man in the race who has actually fought for his country."

If you're a war veteran running for office as a Democrat who has won the Medal of Honor (Kerry) or who has lost limbs (Duckworth, Cleland), you're a traitor.

-

If you eat an animal (moose) which most Americans haven't tried, that's "interesting narrative".

If you eat a vegetable (arugula) which most Americans haven't tried, that's "elitism".

-

If you're a Black Democrat whose spouse once made a remark that implied that he/she had not always been entirely proud of America, you both have "a lot of questions to answer."

If you're a white Republican whose spouse belonged for several years to an organization that was trying to secede from America, that's not America's business.

[adl]

Those are good.

[Arbor]

If your spouse if African-American, a single comment, to the effect that there have been times when she has been less than "really proud" of this country, is enough to forever brand her as "controversial".

But, if your spouse is white, heck, he can belong to a group that wants to take a state away from the US, and his patriotism will not be questioned.

[babs101]

If you're white and you go to a church with a controversial pastor, you're religious. If you're African-American and go to a church with a controversial pastor, you're a threat to the world.

[blowoutfan]

If you're a Republican you think that community organizations should provide a social safety net, but then mock a someone for working in community service.

[booksnmore4you]

Quick, turn it into a book to hit the bookstores before November!!!

[dtd]

If you're a white governor of an almost all white state with the hightest sexually transmitted disease rate (Chlamydia) in the country (and one of the least populated) and your own teenage daughter is pregnanted, but continue to promote abstinence only education, you're true to your values. If you're a black senator who promotes sex education to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS you have no values.

[apoyo]

Christian Values? How did that become code for cult? When did that become license to lie and distort?
The corporate media plays their lies but they don't debunk them. Does that mean they are complicit?
If you are white you can lie with impunity. But if you are of color any false insinuation makes you guilty until you prove yourself innocent.

[baltoellen]

If you chow down on mooseburgers, you're one of the people. If you dine on arugula and OJ, you're an out of touch elitist.

[MM216]

Excellent article, John and a good comparison of the dichotomies in this campaign :)
2 thumbs up!!!!

[sandals]

This is so true and how dare we ask her any questions.