The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage Vol.2 -- the People's Edition

This is the Vol. 2 of The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage. I'm calling this one the People's Edition because you, the people, have obviously been taking AP courses in talking Conservative. I've been slammed with responses. Enough that I can promise you there will be future volumes. Along with some of mine, I've mixed in a few of yours for everybody's linguistic pleasure.

Before we start, I'd like to note that I intimated in Vol. 1 that English is a Latin based language. Hondorf was among a few others who pointed out that English is "primarily German based, yes, but it is really a hybrid of Germanic and Romantic languages . . . by the way, I am a redneck."

Clearly, none of us should judge a neck by its color.

A reminder, we're collecting Palinisms here, and over at That Minority Thing.com. If you've got 'em, send 'em.

Ready? Let's begin!

If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you're a "phoney." Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you're "well loved."

SoyAA says: If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you." If you're white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you're "one of us."

If you give your wife a dap on stage, it's actually a "terrorist fist jab." If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child's hair on national TV it's an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).

DTD SAYS: If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you're an "extremist." If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you're a "fundamentalist."

If you're a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you're "uppity." If you're a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more schools over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).

SeanOcali says: If you're 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant "life happens." If you're 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you're a "registered sex offender."

If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," it's just "empty rhetoric." If one week before your party's national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," that's "red meat."

And your last lesson for the day:

If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you're female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial, multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you're a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist -- "Yes, we can!"

If you're a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, "Yup, yup!"

ThatMinorityThing.com

Comments

[thirteen13]

Palin is just your "average soccer mom".

How many soccer moms out there have killed and dressed (gutted) a moose?

How many soccer moms out there receive a subsidy payment, from their state, for the number of kids they have?

How many soccer moms out there receive annual bonus payments from oil revenues?

How many soccer moms out there are delighted to send there loved ones off to a contrived oil war and "harms way"?

How many soccer moms out there are safer knowing that terrorists will never attack oil Alaska?

[coolekat]

If we truly were a color blind country then Michelle Obama would be adored by the Republican women we saw at the convention. Smart, educated, comes from a good family, good mother and wife, attractive, well groomed, dresses well but not (Cindy McCain) over the top, etc. Sarah Palin's soap opera-ish family story is an anathema to those same women. But she's their candidate's pick and for some reason they feel that they have to hold their noses and pretend it's okay.
BTW, I am a white, southern woman who is a registered Republican and card carrying member of the Junior League so I know of what I speak.
If it weren't so sad, it would be hilarious.

[SonyaInTx]

If you are black, and you and your wife went to Harvard law school and now want to run for POTUS, you are "uppity".

If you are white, took 6 years, attended 5 different schools to get a 4 year undergraduate degree from a second rate school, had your first child 8 months after the wedding...­..then went on to have your first son bypass college for Iraq (mission from God), and your second child gets knocked up by the age of 17 and drops out ofschool, you are "just like us".

Had Obama had a 17 year old pregnant daughter and the "baby daddy" had a MySpace page railing against fatherhood, and proclaimed himself a "Public Enemy", this race would have been over for Obama the minute the revelation was found out by the National Enquirer.

Bottom line: I'm not voting for anyone who's life story is more fit for Jerry Springer.

Obama/Biden '08
Because they expect more of their children.

[Bobrobert]

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I NEEDED this.

God bless you and keep you.

Remember to pray for all the troops folks.

[RisingSun1]

Excellent observations! Obama's surrogates need to hit this issue, and hit it hard. Democrats give people in this country too much credit for being able to recognize these inconsistencies on their own. Why can't we produce a couple of ads that highlight her inconsistencies and really hammer those points? Our country is at stake, for gods sake. We need Obama to step up to the plate and do what it takes to win this election, even if it is not his style. How aggressive he becomes on this issue will show me, at least, whether he wants to win this election or not.

[hunterjond]

Such a damn good post, John, you can call me a "ditto head".

[GrannyForObama]

Great piece. Yes, there are two sides to every story - her side and the truth. Thankfully you've told both sides well! Despite the Republican assumption that every female will be rushing to hop on the bandwagon, I for one, refuse to be a "Palin-drone".

The last thing this country needs is another nasty, pit-bull vice-president with a gun. The lipstick just makes it slimier.

[swoosie1]

It's not the speech, its the content of their character. Getting to know Obama is precisely what makes me want to vote for McCain. Palin and her strong will to stand up to the media attacks on her and come out swinging? Well that's just icing on the cake my dear...

[jenny42]

This was a great post! I love huffington, but there are great numbers of people who are so busy they do not make the time to read. I wish this could be advertised in the MSM.

There is a ol video called "The Color of Fear" and after seeing the RNC, what I saw was a room full of people who are really afraid that a Black man is going to be President.

They are not mentally in a position to appreciate the wonder of this because perhaps their socialization in Black relationships has been so harmful. The white guilt creates fear as well. Being taught to fear is not a healthy thing.

I heard a woman say, " McCain will keep us safe!" I believe that she literally fears that somehow if president, Barack would himself or decree that all black males should go find a white woman to rape.
Fear is so dangerous because it prompts a fight or flee response. Fleeing causes this sort of ignorance that you are speaking about.

[politicallurker]

sounds like the quite a few people are very nervous. watch the polls over the next week to see the lead evaporate. McCain has succeeded in leveling the need for "change" message. The dems are not the only ones fired up now....so it will come down to experience. It will come down to Obama experience. Will the country choose a media elite to battle the horrors in the world or will they hold their nose and vote for the maverick. Who would you rather have protecting your children? Who would you rather have sitting across from Putin? Dems will try to link McCain to Bush, but his history of a being a maverick, the unfair beating Bush put on him in 2000, the desire to put Lieberman on the ticket and finally the selection of Palin, make that an impossible task. Playing the maverick, playing the underdog against the media, playing the street fighter against the establishment solidifies his image. The Palin pick wasn't designed to go after the Hillary Liberal Voters, it was designed to set off the McCain Maverick Express. The fact that she will appeal to some female voters despite her stand on abortion is an added bonus. I voted for Obama, but now plan to vote for McCain.

[Stew118]

Despite Barack's 11 years in the US + Illinois State Senate, distinguished HLS degree, masterful organizational skill as demonstrated by his near flawless campaign, nearly 2 years being vetted on the national scene he is not ready. Up jumps the Hockey Mom from the great white north and she is ready from Day 1!.

[Tom Joad]

The Mad Hatter's Convention succeeded last week in reducing the election to 3 simple concepts for the simple-minded: Mother, moose hunter, POW.

[FlyingDutchman]

Brilliant analysis!

[justobserve]

How true! Excellent comparisons to expose the hypocrites!
Vote for issues: EQUAL PAY, WOMEN'S CHOICE, UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE, VETS BENEFITS.

[Ellema]

Bravo! You've presented the hypocracy of the Repugnants beautifully using their own words. This column is a masterpiece and I enjoyed every sentence of it.