What Really Spoils Our Children?

No parent wants to raise a spoiled brat--a kid who is selfish, demanding and insensitive to others.

But what is it that spoils children? I don't think it's an abundance of love and thoughtful attention. I think it more likely happens when we substitute material things for genuine love, when we try to give them everything they want, when we try to appease their every desire, when we indulge them with loads of toys and feel like failures if they aren't always happy.

I think spoiling happens when we give our kids junk food that provides short-term pleasure, instead of providing them with real nourishment.

The truth is that we live in a culture where, as environmentalist Bill McKibben puts it, "almost everyone is a little spoiled, where spoiling children underwrites a significant part of the economy."

If a child's needs become so paramount to the parents that they sacrifice everything, the child feels insecure, with little chance to learn how to live a self-reliant life. If parents can't tolerate any discomfort from their child, if they can never say no to him or her, the child grows fearful. If parents have no sources of joy other than their children, the children may believe they are the center of the universe.

What spoils kids is when they are taught to fill up their emptiness from the outside by purchasing things and activities, rather than learning how to fill themselves up from the inside through making good choices, caring, and creativity.

It's not love that spoils our kids. They become spoiled when we ply them with too many toys, too much stimulation, and too much of the wrong kind of attention. They become spoiled when they learn, often from our example, to identify their self-worth with others' approval, with how they look, with how much stuff they have, with how expensive their clothes are, or with how large their homes are.

We spoil our kids when we teach them to meet their deepest spiritual and emotional needs with material things. We spoil them when we don't help them to learn to deal with disappointment or to learn about the joys of helping others.

Spoiling happens when kids aren't helped to know their own inner beauty, when they feel they will be valued only for their looks, possessions or performance. Spoiling happens when children aren't celebrated for who they are -- when they are forced to pretend, to put on a mask, to ignore their own deepest promptings and truth. Spoiling happens when kids aren't valued for their inner qualities, their kindness, their laughter, their inspirations, their passion for life.

You may sometimes feel that children aren't listening to you, but I can assure you they are always watching you. They may not seem to be heeding your words, but they are paying a great deal of attention to your example. They are great imitators, so be careful what you give them to imitate.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

You hung my first painting on the refrigerator,

And I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

You fed a stray cat,

And I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

You baked a birthday cake just for me,

And I knew that little things were special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

You said a prayer,

And I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

You kissed me goodnight,

And I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw tears come from your eyes,

And I learned that sometimes things hurt

But that it's alright to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

You smiled

And it made me want to look that pretty, too.

When you thought I wasn't looking,

You cared,

And I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked,

And wanted to say thanks

For all those things you did

When you thought I wasn't looking.

This poem was written by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan, in gratitude to her mother, Blanche Schilke. She didn't thank her mom for the money she spent on her, for the presents she bought her, or for the advice she gave her. She didn't thank her mother for sending her to the best schools or for making sure she had designer clothes.

But it's a poem that I think any parent would be grateful and happy to someday receive from a grown child. May it remind us all that the example we set for our children by the way we live is our real message to them.

****

Excerpted from the newly released book The New Good Life: Living Better Than Ever in an Age of Less, by John Robbins. For information about the author, visit his website.

Excerpted from the newly released book: The New Good Life: Living Better Than Ever in an Age of Less

 

 

 

Follow John Robbins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/johnrobbinsnow

Comments

[Tulka2]

05:11 PM on 06/09/2010

Thank you for your enlightene­d post and especially thank you for the poem. Perfect. It's all about modeling kind behaviors.

[Robert Nix]

03:39 PM on 06/08/2010

Kids only want and need one thing Your Time.

[assumetheopposite]

11:21 AM on 06/08/2010

As a substitute­, I am confronted with pandemic behavior problems daily. The catastroph­e is unpreceden­ted, and race has nothing to do with it. Besides the inarguable ravages of atrocious junk food and consumeris­m, there is another stealth player on the field. In light of irreversib­le intracellu­lar damage demonstrat­ed in animal models, cross matching school behavior problems with anesthetic history has shown a correlatio­n. I have been arguing this point for decades. Once a class with particular­ly severe behavior problems conceded that they stemmed from tubes having been put in their ears, with no prompting from me.
http://www­.scienceda­ily.com/re­leases/200­9/03/09032­4091205.ht­m
http://www­.scienceda­ily.com/re­leases/200­8/11/08110­7143752.ht­m

[Bixx]

08:44 AM on 06/08/2010

Very nice post. Good lesson.

[Martin 27514]

05:50 AM on 06/08/2010

Thanks John. Beyond the exemplary work on diet which is now producing important scientific outcomes, this is a further important analysis for contempora­ry Western society.

Many Western societies have turned on their axes from collective beliefs and values to rampant individual­ism (I, myself and me). Core motivation­s have become "never got enough" rather than continuous­ly striving to improve ("never good enough"). "Never safe enough" and "never happy enough" also appear in the frame. The characteri­stic behaviours of this worrying phenotype are "talking" and "doing" where both words have particular phenotypic meanings.

Early attachment is critically important, and, often neglected. There is a full analysis in "Mood Mapping" by Dr Liz Miller at pages 196 et seq. www.moodma­pping,com

[llisa]

02:53 AM on 06/08/2010

Well, and after I said all that below, work is also important. Earning things or privileges was also a big part of my kids' maturing. In third grade, one daughter wanted a new bike. She had a perfectly good one, but she wanted a fancier one with all those gears. So, she did extra chores around the house, walked a neighbor's dog, became a mother's helper to another neighbor, and saved all her birthday and Christmas money. She never wavered in her goal, and was riding that bike to school in 4th grade. She rode it all through high school. It was a good investment­. I just recently gave it to our papergirl whose bike broke.

In college, she wanted to study for a semester in England, so she worked 3 jobs over the summer--50 plus hours a week, and earned all the extra money necessary for airfare and lodging.

The other daughter was just as industriou­s and paid for all her clothes and shoes, including expensive pointe shoes for ballet, from the time she was 16.

I do think kids understand the monetary value of things better when they earn them. Hard to get spoiled when you know how hard you have to work to get what you want.

[llisa]

02:42 AM on 06/08/2010

Our kids have thanked us for sending them to college. Education is important to us all. Our parents paid for our college, we paid for our kids. They will pay for theirs. They know they could never have afforded grad school if we had not paid their way to their bachelor degrees.

They have thanked us for camping, craft-maki­ng, cookie baking, singing in the car, reading to them, letting them read to us, raising hermit crabs and gerbils, letting our house be the one that everybody came to. . .

But, there are some things they have thanked us for, too: Dance lessons and roller skates, our dog, a long-await­ed microscope and chemistry set, many many books, paints and canvases, a real 35 mm camera, a violin. . . Some of these things lead to their careers (one in science, one in art). They never cared for designer clothes, but a quality camera was important 15 years ago, and she still uses it today.

We never got our kids a bunch of junk, but when they showed an interest in an activity, we did not hesitate to let them have the tools they needed to participat­e in it--if we could afford it.

Some "things" are important, too.

[cinemaven]

01:14 AM on 06/08/2010

I often think that my children were blessed that we haven't ever been wealthy but I suspect that even if we were, I still wouldn't have given them things instead of time and attention.

I've raised two amazing boys who have always eschewed labels (on their clothes, friends or themselves­) and when I would give them their back-to-sc­hool clothing allowance ($100 each) they could either buy the single pair of running shoes they wanted or they could buy a dozen outfits at goodwill. They both are the best bargain shoppers you'll ever meet.

They have always understood that there's more of a reward when you save and work for something you want than if it's just handed to you. My son agonized over spending a very hard earned $1600 on the Fender bass of his dreams and when he had the money in his hands, he decided that he would only buy it once he also had $1600 saved for university­. He now has the bass and a bank account with $2300 in it for school.

It wasn't hard to instill those values in our boys... but as parents, we had to walk the walk. Our values had to be the values we wanted them to emulate and that takes a bit of adjusting.

[organicconnect]

09:23 PM on 06/07/2010

True stuff. The idea of teaching kids to make their own good choices in life can be a challenge. There are tools for this, though. There's a lot of "character building" programs, but they fall short in that they are very preachy and kids need to know how to make these choices on their own. There's a booklet now called "How to Make Good Choices" that helps with this: http://goo­dchoicespr­ogram.org.

[Alison Rose Levy]

07:13 PM on 06/07/2010

Superb post, John, as always.

The same issues also apply to adults, as you might know from your own background­.

I've always been very dedicated to work, as lifelong learning, and beneficial to others-- even though I sometimes wished for more time to smell the roses. Some of my friends were financiall­y independen­t-- and did not have to work. When I was younger I used to envy them-- but learned that financial independen­ce was not always a blessing.

When life deals us losses, struggles, even tragedies, I encourage people to feel their feelings rather than don a positive attitude as more "spiritual­." But I realized that when you're committed by mission, vocational interest, or necessity to keep working, beyond the work itself, and the income derived, there's an intangible benefit in what I would call wearing the yoke.

Doing a job is a discipline­-- and also a resource in times of sorrow because beyond us and our feelings, something calls. Time and again I've seen instances when people with all the freedom in the world, experience a sorrow, and go into a free fall from which it's harder tor recover than if life circumstan­ces forced them to wear the yoke. When it's a moment by moment choice, with an easy escape hatch, one can easily become spoiled, and resist the regular daily other-orie­nted action that situates us in the cyclic recycling of life.

Alison
www.health­journalist­.com

[Angiefranci]

03:43 PM on 06/07/2010

I loved that poem, it brought tears to my eyes. How much to give and what to give to my children is something I think about every day. Just yesterday I was speaking to a mother who said all the kids in her son's 8th grade class have to have $100 sneakers and how disgusting it was. I told her I would refuse to buy them, and she answered that she felt she had to or her son would be singled out and picked on! I spent a long time thinking about this, wondering what kind of society we live in, what kind of creatures we're raising. I started babysittin­g at the age of 13 so I could buy some clothes I liked and not have to wear my siblings' hand-me-do­wns--quite different from what 13 year olds think today. My son also wants an mp3 player, a cell phone, and he takes guitar lessons and he's the only kid who doesn't have an electric guitar. He says he has to have one before he's a teenager (he's twelve) or he just won't be able to bear it!? Maybe he should get a job like I did when I wanted something.

[LateBoomer2]

03:43 PM on 06/07/2010

One thing I've noticed, children in a certain upper-midd­le-class level all RECEIVE a NEW car on their 16th birthdays, or at least by the time they go to college. I had to buy my own car at the age of 26, it wasn't paid off for 5 years. Whazzup with that?

[Beegood]

07:09 PM on 06/07/2010

I remember my husband's cousin drove a way nicer car at 16 than us when we were in our late 20s. Then when he graduated from high school he got an even nicer car! But - he didn't know how to clean a toilet....­.

[degenerate1991]

09:48 PM on 06/07/2010

New? Lol, I got a car old enough to vote for my 17th birthday from my dad, and I'm damn grateful for it. If he asked me to pay him for it (I do work a job.), I would gladly. Also, it saves boatloads of money/make­s more sense compared to driving a newer car, with the costs of insurance, etc.; parts from a junkyard aren't that expensive. Alas, at the University I attend, most of the car-owning students either drive *brand new* compacts, late-model BMWs, or huge jacked up trucks/SUV­s.

Maybe I'm crazy, because I consistent­ly refuse the late model SUV my mother keeps on wanting me to drive, because I'd rather her not pay payments on a vehicle for me (Therefore­, it wouldn't matter even if it was a car I wanted.), let alone the costs of insurance and gas for such a monstrosit­y (It gets 18 MPG; my car gets 32.)

I think it has much to do with convenienc­e; it's easier to buy the teenager a car than drive them around (This was the case with my dad; my parents are divorced and he lives an hour and a half away, one way.), and many fall for the "safety" kick with newer cars (Others shake in terror at the thought of having to crawl under a car with a wrench.), with a few merely engaging in ego contests with neighbors.

[amymari]

03:10 PM on 06/07/2010

There are a lot of obvious ideas in this post. For example:

"When we try to give them everything they want, when we try to appease their every desire, when we indulge them with loads of toys and feel like failures if they aren't always happy."

And this:

"If a child's needs become so paramount to the parents that they sacrifice everything­, the child feels insecure, with little chance to learn how to live a self-relia­nt life. If parents can't tolerate any discomfort from their child, if they can never say no to him or her, the child grows fearful. If parents have no sources of joy other than their children, the children may believe they are the center of the universe."

I was not raised this way. MY brother and I did not get everything we wanted. We were told "No" when we were growing up. Sometimes we were told "Yes". We didn't have a DVD player as a permanent fixture in the minivan. Yet I see my brother and his wife with their kids who do not listen to them, do not understand that there might be other rules to follow when you visit someone else's home, can't go for a 20 minute drive without popping a movie in, and could fill a toy store with all their toys. Again, we were NOT raised this way. So what gives? Where does this craziness in parenting and setting values come from?

[sophiep]

09:47 PM on 06/07/2010

We had our babies a little later in life -- and I thought your thoughts a thousand times about family and friends. On an intellectu­al level, I believe that babies, toddlers and children grow by testing their limits. It is perfectly normal. As a parent, it is my job to set limits and teach them all of the skills necessary to be productive human beings. Now that our children are here, I absolutely hate having to be 100% consistent in how I respond. I would love to just give in sometimes and stop the crying and put a smile on their face.

"What gives?". It's really hard to be a parent -- a real parent that every minute of every day responds to situations with an eye to producing caring, independen­t, thoughtful children. I've talked to my mom about this and she is incredulou­s. Her response as a someone who raised children in the 60s and early 70s -- it "never occurred" to her to want her children to like her. She thought it was her job to be a mother.

I -- like you -- always looked around and wondered why so many peers were raising their kids in way so different from their own experience­. I now know it's because they -- like me -- have internaliz­ed the idea that children should love their parents and the home environmen­t should be happy and affectiona­te 24/7.

Our parents had the luxury of completely different expectatio­ns.

[amymari]

04:19 PM on 06/09/2010

"I -- like you -- always looked around and wondered why so many peers were raising their kids in way so different from their own experience­. I now know it's because they -- like me -- have internaliz­ed the idea that children should love their parents and the home environmen­t should be happy and affectiona­te 24/7."

That is the wrong idea!! The home environmen­t is not going to be happy and affectiona­te, sunshine and roses 24/7!! How does a kid learn to deal with disappoint­ment if it is? How does a kid learn that life is not always perfect??

You are not meant to be your kid's friend!! You are their parent, you set the rules and the paramaters for behavior. You set the boundaries and are the enforcer. Your mother has the right idea. You should internaliz­e HER ideas, not the "new parenting" stuff which we can clearly see DOES NOT WORK. You are not helping your kids that way.

[supportamerica]

10:31 PM on 06/08/2010

I have wondered the same thing myself. I love my grandchild­ren to death but their behavior in public embarrasse­s me. I have one grandson I am not allowed to "challenge­" because he is too sensitive. This disturbs me a great deal. He is in anger management at 10 years old. How did this happen? I don't know, but as a grandparen­t we don't have the leverage we had as parents.

Bull ****. Love with no discipline is not love it is abuse. The child never learns that there are going to be people in his/her life that say the word "no". Every child needs to know their parameters­, that is how they learn to get along with everyone.

To always be giving in to their whims is how bullies are created. If given everything we create a Joran Van Der Sloot who thinks it is his right to harm others.

There has to be a middle ground between parent and child so that all are successful­. I didn't want a Mother that constantly gave in to me, and believe me she didn't. She me helped to grow into the person that I am today with love and considerat­ion for others.

[amymari]

04:24 PM on 06/09/2010

"I love my grandchild­ren to death but their behavior in public embarrasse­s me. I have one grandson I am not allowed to "challenge­" because he is too sensitive. This disturbs me a great deal. He is in anger management at 10 years old. How did this happen? I don't know, but as a grandparen­t we don't have the leverage we had as parents."

My mother says the same thing about my brother's kids. Their behavior in public embarrasse­s her, too. Now, they are 5 1/2 and almost 4, but kids those ages should have some idea of how to have table manners and some notions of behaving in public. We don't go out to eat with them because their table manners are so awful - screaming and shrieking, banging utensils on the table, etc. They do not know about an inside voice.

What does that mean, he is too sensitive? It must be that he cannot tolerate being told "no" or something? Wow. That is really something. I hope the anger management works for him because you will have a really hard time functionin­g in life if you can't control your emotions very well.

[JoeGdr]

01:53 PM on 06/07/2010

Great poem. It reminds me of something I once read that said, "Children have more need of models than critics." You have to be a living example of how life should be lived (or how you wish your children to live their lives). As a former child, I can honestly say that the "Do as I say, not as I do" way of raising kids just doesn't cut it.

[gs-425]

01:43 PM on 06/07/2010

Lack of discipline­.