Parents often ask me when they should talk to their kids about Asperger's or autism. I don't think there is a hard and fast answer, but in my opinion, the time to discuss brain differences is when the teen years are close. Before then, most kids won't be able to grasp the idea of why and how their brain is different from other people's. Any attempt to "label" them runs the risk of being counterproductive and damaging to their vulnerable self-esteem.
So what should a parent say to a young child with Asperger's? And how can they guide their child through the difficult early years in a way that most helps them grow into a happy, productive adult? Here are a few tips derived from my own life as a free-range Aspergian and my experience raising my son Cubby, who's now a fine young adult Aspergian himself.
1) In the early years, the most important task is developing communication skills.
In today's interconnected world, the ability to communicate effectively is the most important skill you can give a child, after he masters the basics of hygiene and behavior. Study after study has shown that kids with autism who receive intensive therapy -- 20 to 40 hours per week -- have far better outcomes as adults as compared to kids who are left to develop on their own. There are many cases of five-year-olds who could barely hold a conversation developing fully normal speech as adults, thanks to early intervention. There seems to be a critical window of time prior to age 10 during which kids can pick up these vital skills far more easily. If the window of opportunity is missed, the result may be lifelong communication impairment and significant disability. Some kids with autism prefer to relate through speech, while others choose written communication. Ideally, you'll help your child build his strength in both areas.
2) Find your child's unique strengths, and build them up.
Young children are diagnosed with autism or Asperger's when they can't accomplish or perform a task as well as their peers can and an adult takes notice. The child may not be able to make friends, or she may fail at school or something else. Besides a diagnosis, these failures lead to weak self-esteem, frustration and alienation. How can you combat those emotions in a child?
In my opinion, the surest antidote to failure is success. If you can help your child find what she is really good at, you will have given her a wonderful gift that will last a lifetime.
To do that, kids should be exposed to the maximum range of experiences. For example, I was technology-minded, and my parents took me to museums, bought me books on science and helped me experiment with chemistry sets, radio kits, home-built cars and all sorts of scientific toys until I found my strengths -- electronics and mechanics. My skills in those areas led me, as an adult, to my work, to my hobbies and even to my friends.
There's no way to know what your kid may like unless he sees it. It's sort of like offering strange but tasty foods: you can ask all day and get a no, or try it and get a yes and a smile. Once you find their gift, encourage it however you can and give it room to flourish. You'll be amazed with the results.
3) Teach your child the art of peaceful coexistence.
Parents talk an awful lot about helping their kids make friends, something all of us aspire to do. However, there is a social skill that's even more important, and it's actually easier to learn: how to not make enemies.
In my book "Be Different," I describe several strategies that will help an Aspergian achieve this all-important goal. For example, kids must learn to listen first, and then respond to what other people are saying and doing. They can't barge in and try to take over the group, as much as they may want to. Kids need to learn to look and act like the group they want to be part of. That may mean dressing a certain way, or even sitting in a particular place in class. When you learn to blend in, people like you better, and life goes a lot smoother.
Young people with autism have no instinctive understanding of social rules. They must be taught, explicitly, how to behave in common situations. I write about using Emily Post as a guide, but for young children, more basic instruction is needed. In particular, adults should recognize that people with autism have fundamental difficulties seeing the other person's point of view, which makes manners especially difficult to grasp.
All my life, Asperger's has made it tough for me to understand other people. That left me isolated and alone for much of my youth. Fortunately, that situation did not last forever, because "difficult" is not the same as "impossible." Once I knew what was different about me, I charted a course of self-improvement and change, the results of which are simply astonishing. From that perspective of adult success, I wrote "Be Different" to help today's young people benefit from the lessons I've learned. With that insight I hope they go on to even greater success than me.
The worst thing was when another adult told me in my 30's that I "enjoyed being different". Say what?
Anyway, the advice in the article is good for any child in my opinion.
She needed to know that other people spoke this other language, one she did not see, body language. She needed to know that other people instantly understood when a joke was a joke, or when it was cruel. She needed to know that stimming was difficult for people to watch, so that she could make the choice to indulge or not. She needed to know that other people spoke with inflection, and would feel more comfortable if she did too, so that she could choose to be motivated to learn how, or not. She had so many more lessons to learn, and she needed to know why.
That said, Thank you for talking about your experiences. All these conversations need to happen.
He has learned to be patient and gentle with people and has actually set up a tutoring program at his middle school because kids come to him with both personal and academic problems.
His kindergarten teacher called one day and through the laughter I understood her to say that one the way to school, David had decided to teach the other children about the birds and the bees. I winced and asked her, "Barbara, did he at least get it right?" "Yeah, right up until he got to the Filipino tubes."
We have laughed about that ever since.
My approach is that every single human being is different and just as we have different colour hair and skin, we can be different sizes and can speak different languages so too can we think and behave differently.
It is modern society that likes to put a label on these things and I wonder whether if the labels didn’t exist would there be such a stigma attached to people suffering with the conditions? If we had decided not to call out Autism, or ADHD, or Aspergers whether there would be segregation, or the bullying? On the other hand, would there also be the increased knowledge of these conditions and the practices of how to deal with them and promote wellbeing and quality of life with the sufferers.
In terms of when we should tell our children....I think we know our own children best and we know when they are recognising that something is different....it is then we need to start talking about it. Like a lot of people have said, to start too early could potentially create more of an issue.......
Great article and wonderful comments filled with very positive messages.
Thanks.
Craig Ing
www.craiging.com
How simple and how profound. The realization that the world is hostile to creatures it does not immediately recognize or understand. Now he is so compassionate and wise beyond his years.
His 'difference' is his unique sensitivity. His vision is a gift to the world.
quoted out of your story
" Before then, most kids won't be able to grasp the idea of why and how their brain is different from other people's. Any attempt to "label" them runs the risk of being counterproductive and damaging to their vulnerable self-esteem. "
I told my son as soon as I knew. As soon as he was Dxed. He needed to know. He kept asking me.
He got early help as in speech. As he could not be understood for years.
for him I think it helped he knew. Not that he understood it all the way. As I still dont.
We were very open about it. Hes 20 now. he just had another story doen on him.
His end quote is
" everyone is different,everyone thinks in their own way. We are all human and we are all on the same planet"
As put by him it took him years of watching ppl on how to act and talk. He still at times gets lost.
My friends were wonderful with him. I got very lucky that way.
I wish the best for you and your son. Great writing.