NEWSFLASH: Al Gore Awarded MacArthur "Genius" Grant!

The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation named Al Gore a belated recipient of a 2007 MacArthur Fellowship, the so-called "Genius Grant." A spokesperson for the Foundation explained, "We wanted to wait until after the Nobel Peace Prize was announced before we went public with Al Gore as a late addition to our Fellows Program."

Later in the day, Al Gore, on a sheer whim, bought a Megamillions Powerball lottery ticket--and won! He is splitting the $237 million with Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, whose lucky numbers came up for the fourth time.

To celebrate his incredible good fortune, Al Gore went golfing with Tiger Woods--and miraculously scored a hole-in-one on the 18th hole to beat Tiger by a single stroke.

The Rose Bowl Committee just announced that Al would be the Grand Marshall of the Parade this year.

The NCAA also announced that, under a little-known loophole in the regulations, Al's actually in the running this year for the Heisman Trophy.

Earth in the Balance just won a Pulitzer, by the way. Better yet, Oprah's Book Club is reading it. It just hit #1 on Amazon.com.

Al Gore has been included as a late addition to ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Reportedly the salsa competition is his to lose.

The International Olympics Committee has decided to award Marion Jones' five returned medals retroactively to Al Gore, pending a steroids test, just in case.

The International Tennis Federation has declared that, after winning the U.S. presidential popular vote, an Oscar, and a Nobel, Al Gore will be eligible for a Grand Slam if he wins just one men's doubles competition in the upcoming season.

The Harvard Hasty Pudding Theatricals has named Al Gore Man of the Year (utterly predictable). Naomi Wolf has agreed to advise him on how to dress as an Alpha Male in drag (think earth tones).

Turns out that Al Gore has won the Scripps National Spelling Bee competition in the "55-59" age bracket. Along the way he correctly spelled stratocracy, refractoriness, mendacious, and childrens.

Word on the street is that Al can beat Deep Fritz at chess, solve Rubik's Cube in 9.26 seconds (blindfolded), and do 150 one-arm push-ups. An entire chapter of the Guinness Book of World Records is now devoted to his feats.

Smart money says that Al's a cinch for Time Magazine's Man of the Year, a Philip Burke drawing on the cover of Rolling Stone, and an Annie Leibovitz photo spread in Vanity Fair. George Clooney and Richard Gere are fighting for the Gore role in the upcoming movie version of Al's life.

In Vegas, Al recently rolled 7s, pulled three cherries, drew four aces--and scored front row tickets to a Prince concert.

Last night Al's postprandial fortune cookie read, "Great success is yours for the asking."

Al, can't you see a trend here? You're on a roll...

Comments

[PADDYWHACK]

Al is more polished and a better speaker than he was in 2000.His shtick is smoother and would have won him the presidency.Most people had no idea what they were getting in 2000,Bush has been worse than our wildest nightmares and Al has transcended himself.I bet he loves the speculation after his resurrection and I hope he does run.

[LibsRHilarious]

Maybe he'll be awarded a Tony and then he'll be one up on Rita Moreno.

What a group of thugs and theives:

2005 MOHAMED ELBARADEI (joint winner). He"s done such a nice job with Iran.

2004 WANGARI MAATHAI. The Kenyan ecologist peacefully teaches that the AIDS virus is a biological agent deliberately created by the Man.

2002 JIMMY CARTER JR., former President of the United States of America. A true cosmopolitan, he has undermined the foreign policy of his own country and vouched for the bona fides of tyrants and murderers all over the world.

2001 UNITED NATIONS, New York, NY, USA._KOFI ANNAN, United Nations Secretary General. Among other things, they have respectively served as the vehicle for, and presided over, one of the biggest scams in history.

1994 YASSER ARAFAT (joint winner), Chairman of the Executive Committee of the PLO, President of the Palestinian National Authority. He was a cold-blooded murderer both before and after receiving the award.
1992 RIGOBERTA MENCHU TUM, Guatemala. She is the notorious Guatemalan faker and author, sort of, of I, Rigoberta Menchu.

1988 THE UNITED NATIONS PEACE-KEEPING FORCES New York, NY, U.S.A. Notwithstanding rapes and sex abuse committed by the team in Kosovo, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Guinea and the Congo, still doing fine work all over the world.

[RogerHWerner]

Keep in mind the the Nobel Committee isn't made up of Americans and consequently, they have a rather less ethnocentric view of the world. In the view of the Norwegians, Americans are no different than anyone else on this planet: Self-serving. And Americans are no more inclined to seek peace than anyone else. If I interpret your oblique complaint, the Nobel committee should eliminate from consideration anyone the American government thinks is unworthy, anyone who opposes the American agenda. That being the case, who would your list of recipients include? You seem sufficiently opinionated to have an opinion on such a weighty matter or are you just completely full of shit?

[Libsrule]

Actually Being president would be the topper.

I think Al could easily handle a democratic congress. What are they going to do? Launch investigations?

If he won by the landslide I would predict, then the congress would be against him at their peril.

It's a win win for everyone on the planet.

Of course the Thug party and all those who support them would would be working overtime while sweating and spitting at what a great job he is doing by taking every single thing he says out of context.

Every fucking single thing.

But he could kick their asses hands down.

[didereaux]

I think what pleases me most of all about AL Gore, is how just his name being spoken causes Neo-Cons, right-win-twirly-eyed-whackos and fans of Limabuigh and Coulter, to break into cold sweats, shivers, and some to make a mad dash for the Depends!

Thank you Al

[GenericBlogger]

Great post John Seery.

So I shouldn't be surprised if kids see Al Gore coming out of the fireplace late on December 24.

I applaud his work and accomplishments be remain skeptical that he deserves the Nobel peace prize. Some of his claims regarding climate change are outlandish and unsupported by science.

We need someone to champion causes for climate control.

Now if only he stopped living in mansions, flying in corporate jets and practice what he preaches.

[DemandTruth]

Because your "someone" champion would be so effective from a hovel, with no way to reach the people he's supposed to be championing.
DUH.

[GenericBlogger]

No. You are taking my comment too far.

Actually I wouldn't mind having Al Gore as the champion if he wasn't melodramatic about climate change and if he practiced what he preached.

That's not too much to ask for, is it?

[NotaBeliever]

And the United States Supreme Court stepped in and gave all Al's rightfully earned awards to George W. Bush.

[retarius]

He's a good guy....but I agree with an earlier poster, the presidency would only tarnish his image...he would be spending 4 or 8 years cleaning up the poop that the chimp has been crapping out since 2000.

[Pol123]

I for one certainly appreciate Gore's momentum and perseverance, he's working so hard to convince everyone that it was for the best that he didn't become president afterall.....but its never too late to add that position to your resume, Mr. Gore!

[olephart]

In a just released announcement, Stephen Hawkins stated that Al Gore has successfully determined the Unified Field Theory. Summed up in one equation, the forces of Gravity, Electromagnetism, the Nuclear Strong Force and the Nuclear Weak Force are shown to be interrelated by Gore"s Theory. In doing so, Al Gore first devised an entirely new system of Mathematics. A system so advanced that Steven Hawkins predicted that it would supplant all Mathematics now in use. Further, Al Gore has discovered the Graviton, analogous to the Photon, it is a "particle" of Gravity. Using this, he built a Graviton "Telescope" that enabled him to "see" into Black Holes and has discovered an infinite number of Alternate Universes. Al Gore is currently mapping these Universes but should be finished by noon tomorrow. Rush Limbaugh was quoted as saying "what the hell does that little geek in a wheelchair know?"

[afgail]

Al, your on a winning streak. So why don't you run for president?

[charon]

Bush will go down as the most mediocre President in American history, victimized relentlessly by evil associates because of his lack of ability to reason or understand things.

Gore will go down in history as the greatest man to almost be elected President, an intelligent, urbane, well-spoken person who moved to the world stage to tackle issues that transcended national borders. He is a true American, as is Bush. Only Bush is an ugly American, and represents the worst this country has to offer, while Gore represents the best.

[WWFDRD]

Well said. Great post. I've never been much of an Al Gore supporter, but I will give him one thing. Whether you agree with his thoughts on global warming or not, the man is absolutely committed to doing what he believes is best for the country and the world. In the end he may be proven wrong, but no one can question the strength of his conviction and his desire to do what believes is the right thing. There are far too few people like that in this world.

[Mack20]

Gore showed his true colors by contesting the election and polarizing this country in 2000. A classy individual that cared more about this country than himself would have conceded defeat graciously and moved on. Instead he cried like the spoiled baby he is and has managed to divide this country for the last seven years. Meanwhile he has managed to position himself and his goofy global warming crap in the spotlight. He has succeeded in convincing the liberal media as well as the Bush haters that voted for him that his contrived crisis is far more important than the war against Islamofacism.

He is the epitome of the limousine liberal. Do as I say not as I do. He flies around in an older, fuel sucking aircraft and has 2-3 inefficient homes. His big one outside Nashville is so ecologically wasteful, he pays over $2000 per month on his electric bill. Sounds like a true man of the people to me!

Gore lost in 00" because he could not even carry his own state. Tennesseans had had enough of weird Al. Had he not turned his back on Slick Willy, he might have delivered Arkansas to Al. Those two states together equal Florida. Enough said about that.

[Doofus]

Just what he needs! And do you suggest such
luck would be enhanced, embellished, by getting to
be President of the USA? Oh, contraire, my friend.

The luck would be in NOT having to be President.

[tjruler]

Good thing we never elected him. "President of the USA" might have drug down his resume.

[Simone]

Great news!!! He deserves them all!!

[GenericBlogger]

You do realize John Seery was sarcastic, don't you?