Dear John Shore,It's taken me forever to write this, because it will reveal me to be a whiny, privileged, guilt-ridden wimp. But I'm writing it anyway. I guess because I'm such a wimp I can't even stand up to my desire to not be revealed as a wimp. Go figure.
I'm serious about being a Christian and have, like many of your readers, grown to fully support LGBT folks in the church. What a laughable sentence that is, because I'm a professor at a Christian College that requires each annual contract renewal to include reaffirmation of a denominational statement declaring same sex relationships morally illegitimate. Yes, like most Christian colleges, we must sign a document of community beliefs and expectations that clearly states this. I feel like a traitor and a liar every time.
I love my job. I believe in Christian higher education, and this college is pretty moderate. People are kind here and I have academic freedom to pursue what I love. The school is progressive on a number of church-y issues, like the leadership and dignity of women. The students are great people, my colleagues include my closest friends, it's an affordable region of the country with a lot of natural beauty.
It's okay with me that I'm more liberal than most around here, because I'm not the only one, and I have a ton of social capital and good will built up in the community; I don't need everyone to agree with me on everything. I think most people know how I feel about queer Christians (or at least wouldn't be shocked). I seem to be free to speak my opinion in personal conversation, but if I publicly advocated for institutional change (or didn't sign the statement) my job would be in jeopardy. I'm up for tenure in three months, but tenure wouldn't protect me on this one. And it's once again contract renewal time.
Every year (I've been here a long time) I sign my name to a document that includes a sentence I consider unjust and wicked. Every year I ask gay friends: "Am I betraying you? Are you hurt by this? I remain employed by an institution that wouldn't hire you, that would fire you, that requires all of us to sign a document that says you and your spouse's love is sinful. Tell me what to do! Tell me to quit and I will!"
Every year (I think they're getting tired of my pathetic begging for absolution) my gay friends are incredibly gracious and supportive and caring: "No, you aren't betraying us. We love you and know you're stuck in a difficult place. We need allies in hostile territory. You need to be there for the students when they come out. You're not expected to be the straight martyr for the gay cause." Etc.
But recently a person I respect (a reader of your blog) responded: "No, you're not betraying me. But I'm worried about you, are you betraying yourself?"
This haunting prophetic question is one I will have to answer myself. So I'm not asking for feedback on that one. But I am asking for something.
Sometimes you post reader mail on your blog, and the responses are diverse, enlightening, and (usually) on point. I've benefited many times from the conversation around your blog. I'm sure your blogging schedule is stacked up way into the future, and you hear from people with much worse problems than mine. But if you get a slow news day, and threw my dilemma in front of your readers, maybe the responses could help me and others like me who feel stuck. Skewer me, support me, laugh at me, preach at me, identify with me, feel sorry for me, dismiss me ... I promise to put it all to good use. I'm not at peace and would like to be, and input from outside my head usually serves me well.
So here's the heart of it: am I perpetuating injustice in the name of Christ by continuing to work for a Christian institution that requires its employees to do this as a condition of employment?
I really value your voice and the conversations it provokes.
Thanks
Dear Guy Who Wrote Me This,
I mean ... your question is so simple a child could answer it. By signing a statement which declares same-sex relationships morally illegitimate, of course you're betraying yourself and your gay friends. Of course you're perpetuating injustice in the name of Christ by continuing to work for a Christian institution that requires its employees to sign such a reprehensible statement.
But you already know it's wrong to sign that document. What you don't know and are seeking clarity on is the relationship between the amount of wrong done by signing it vs. the amount of good you get in exchange for doing so. You know it's wrong to sign the paper; you just don't know if it's so wrong that you should quit your job over it.
That's a terrible calculation to even consider making. It's predicated upon your honor being a tradeable commodity. You should never trade your honor for material gain. In this life who you are morally is all you have. It's everything. It's the irreducible island you live on. You crap on that, and there's no avoiding the stink of it in your own nostrils.
Don't do that to yourself. You really are better than that.
Besides, it's not like signing that document is keeping you safe. In the short run it does, yes. But it's like escaping a lightening storm by ducking into a cave in the back of which a bear is sleeping. You're safe as long as that bear doesn't wake up. But sooner or later it will. And then you're bear chow.
The inviolate Rule of Life is that everything you do that's morally wrong comes back to bite you on the butt. And as surely as one day follows the next you will be called upon to publicly toe your school's party line on the gay issue. There's no predicting when or how it will happen; there's only the certainty that it will. The gay issue is too huge for it not to. It's already creating all kinds of storms on Christian campuses across the country. (See "They're here; they're queer; they've plenty to fear: LGBT students form secret club at conservative Christian university" for just one instance.) That wind will blow across your campus. And when it does your employers will not allow you to "be there" for anyone coming out. They'll expect you to be there for them. And rightfully so. You signed a document guaranteeing that you would be. You gave your word that you would defend your school's policy on homosexuality.
And the day upon which you are called to do that will be a very dark day for you indeed. In deed.
Avoid that day, friend. Start looking for another job. Sign your school's anti-gay document one more time if you must, but make that your last time. That will give you a year to find a job where getting paid doesn't require first swapping spit with Satan. I appreciate that you have a cherry job. Your e-mail to me included a link to the school at which you work. That place is ridiculously beautiful; it looks like where the children raised in all those idyllic cottages painted by Thomas Kinkade matriculate. But that's how real evil works, isn't it? It makes you think that by trading your integrity you're trading up. It looks so innocent. It offers so much. It makes it so easy to justify its requisite ounce of flesh.
But from that ounce a great wound is sure to grow.
I say give yourself a year to get out.
Anyone else?
UPDATE: The professor who wrote the letter responds here.
Follow John Shore on Twitter: www.twitter.com/johnshore
Emily Timbol: The Damage of Overvaluing Virginity
Jonathan D. Fitzgerald: My Liberal Christian Church Is Not Dying
Richard Giannone: Pride and HIV/AIDS: The Spiritual Goodness Within
It was key professors in my education that were part of the resources that helped me along the path to accept who I was as gay and maintain my faith as a Christian.
These kinds of signed statements only serve to ghettoize the Christian Academia and put people like Professor X into a bind, not to mention starve their students from differing viewpoints.
This problem of anti-intellectualism and fear of the Other seems endemic within the Evangelical culture and it has required immense effort year after year to make any kind of gains against it.
If people leave conservative churches and conservative universities who represent differing views, it feeds the flames of ignorance as the community at that point can only become more insular.
There will likely come a point where this conflict of worldview will foist those who are private supporters of queer and questioning students into the public sphere, and I think at this point you must decide as a Christian and as an academic what your role will be in that situation, yet in the interim you and countless others like you are an amazing resource and gift that continues to produce fruit in the lives of countless of young people both gay and straight.
I believe you have a need to look carefully at your own back yard, before you make any complaints about ours.
Nice try though.
With secure, non-dominionists, it causes no problems whatsoever.
First, rather than slipping away quietly into a new job, challenge the school administration to rethink the policy. How much better could it be for your battered conscience than to turn what has been years of silently going along with something you morally object to into being the catalyst for change? And if nothing changes and you're fired, at least you (and your conscience) know that you FINALLY followed your own convictions.
If things don't work out, when you go, go LOUDLY! Write a letter to your local newspaper, send copies to news outlets like this one, etc. Granted, you've been a part of this discriminatory system for some time, and since this is a private religious school they can do what they want, but that doesn't mean you can't become a voice speaking out against the unwillingness of organizations like this one to accept that attitudes (and interpretations of scripture) have evolved.
Lastly, see what you might be able to do within your community to become more active as an advocate of equal rights and equal treatment. Might be a good way to repay those gay friends who have been so phenomenally understanding with you.
Frankly, if they are coming out to you, there's your answer: they believe you support them and trust you, and that's what counts. All the more so because of how well respected you are. Just keep doing what you are doing.
You can even push the limits more. In conversations with suspected LGBT students, casually mention the love of David and Jonathan, the marriage of saints Sergius and Bacchus, what the Bible says the sin of Sodom actually was, speak well of LGBTs and their allies. Avoid mentioning the denominational statement; be dismissive of it when you can.
Sure, it's dishonest, but no more than countless LGBTs who remain closeted by omission or deception in order to keep their jobs. You don't owe them more honesty than they themselves express.
As to the price you yourself pay for your dishonesty, you stated that that is for you to decide and that is not the question you have put out for discussion; yet, that is precisely whatJohn Shore and many commenters gave you here.
Besides, I suspect that if you leave, whoever will replace you will be less supportive of LGBT students than you are. From the point of view of relativistic morality, when all the choices are bad, the most moral thing to do is to choose the lesser evil. (continued>
It's why they are unable to find peace.
They don't like the answer their soul has given them, and instead, are looking for outside sources to validate their struggle with this.
I appreciate that this may difficult situation. However, when our soul becomes aware that our conscience is acting in conflict with it, no peace will be found until your balance is restored.
Best of luck reconciling this within yourself. That is where this transformation must take place.
It's the same with any individual. Selflessness is what you are asking this man to bear and what his conscience is demanding, and as a result his self-esteem is being eroded by an unconscionalbe Christ.
The other side of selflessness....... is .......... selfishness. They feed off of one another and keep each other in a constant state of anxiety.
In todays economy a good job is hard to come by. What does this man do when no other job is forthcoming? Remain in angst, guilt? Fall into depression? Will that make those who would accuse him happy?
What this man needs to do is exorcise the demons of others opinions from his conscience and make a decision.
At age 40 I quit my job, sold our home and gave away most our belongings, we left my family and friends and moved to Canada.
Why? Because I had to choose between my husband and my country and he easily won. The transition was tough, the first year was hard, but 5 years later we are thriving and have a better life than we could ever imagine in the US. The truth is I never would have left if not forced into an impossible situation.
It seems you are letting gray areas like tenure and beauitfiul scenery cloud your judgment. You already know the right thing to do, now start working at doing it.
We are still fighting so no other couple has to go through what we did. But from a safe and happy place.
But given that the professor seems to be open with gay friends of his support for them, it does not appear he is doing them any harm. In fact, there's no reason not to trust their denial of this. They may benefit from having sympathetic people at the University which sounds likely to be the dominant institution in the community. It's hard to see how the local gay community would benefit from everybody who supports them moving away.
I don't know if there is legal danger in lying to one's employers in this way. And there is a risk that one will have to switch jobs suddenly, which is never fun, and less fun in academia than other fields less tied to the calendar. But unless one has an attitude towards lying that prevents one from signing such a piece of paper, the issue really comes down to personal risk. It sounds like the professor can do more positive (even if only in quiet ways) for the homosexual community than signing the paper does them harm.
If the school fires this professor and it generates buzz in the media, he's poised to appear on talk shows, do the lecture circuit and civil rights rallies, maybe even a book deal. Straight ally, man of God following his conscious, cruelly fired just short of tenure, hopefully some slanderous statements by the school administrators and a well-timed appearance by Westboro Baptist Church... He could literally build a new career as a civil rights advocate on the ashes of his professional funeral pyre.
My advice is to do what you believe best for your heart. I understand the dilemma you face, the crossroads that you are standing on. They are tough choices. If you stay, look to see if you can subtly make some changes to attitudes. Maybe not yourself personally, but by supporting any LGBT people in their efforts to make their own changes to the institution. It may be possible to make lives better by staying and fighting back.
Stay one more year. Walk the steps that not only gay people have to walk each day, but also every other person of disfavored status. Document your struggles, and those of the people who surround you. Help us all find a way to make our world a better place, even if it is only by one small step. Even if it is some small bit of a suggestion or act of kindness.
The one thing that I would not do, is stay and let it poison your character. If the culture is so bad that staying would cause you to be placed in a losing situation, then I would find another position.
If this professor were gay, I think people would be pretty understanding. Many gay people have had to feign support for anti-gay policies that were beyond their policy to change. There are no doubt gay employees at Chick-Fil-A; do we think of them as villains because of what their employer does? Does being gay require you to *help* homophobic employers discriminate against you by refusing to work for them? No.
So why set the bar higher for a straight ally? The professor signs this pledge under duress, and I personally can forgive him for that. Like a closeted gay person, there's only one line I insist he must not cross: He must never speak or act *against* gay people to protect himself. THAT would be betrayal.