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Get Thee Behind Me, Santa!

12/15/2010 04:33 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Christians want the focus of Christmas to be Christ. But most everybody else makes the primary personality of the Christmas season Santa Claus.

And doesn't that make Santa Claus the anti-Christ?

Ho, ho, ho, indeed!

The gall of the Dark Prince pretending to be jolly!

Santa really being Satan certainly explains a lot. The red suit, for one. And also the flying reindeer. Remember how scary the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the deeply malevolent. And what would you rather have flying in the air above you -- a 50-pound monkey, or a 500-pound reindeer? That wide-brimmed hat the Wicked Witch of the West wears might protect her from monkey droppings, but is it really going to help against a team of reindeer flying overhead?

Clearly, Santa is uber-evil.

And what about those elves? Please. An elf is just a gnome with better PR. And everyone knows that gnomes are deviants who thrill at creating havoc. I used to live in a house in the woods that became infested with gnomes. Believe me, that is not something you want to happen. And if it ever does happen to a place you're living, do not use Gnome Motel. That product is useless. Those little creeps built on to the Gnome Motel we left out for them. They put in a little jacuzzi, and a deck. The workmanship was awful. And it led to all these little airplane-size booze bottles being scattered all around the place.

Terrible. We finally had to call in a pack of mad rottweilers.

Boy. Talk about getting the job done.

Anyway, the point is that Santa is Satan. Look how close their names are! And Santa/Satan isn't the only diabolic anagram going on with Mr. Red Nose's name, either. Rearrange the letters spelling "Saint Nick," and what do you get? That's right: sick taint. And Kris Kringle? Try Sir Grinlekk -- which totally sounds like it could be the name of one of Harry Potter's wicked wizards, doesn't it? So I think that settles it.

Santa Claus. Satan's cause. Satan's claws. I mean, come on. It's not even subtle.

Plus, everyone knows that the Devil's whole thing is to make people believe the opposite of the truth. And, as we all know, Hades is about as far south as south gets. So where does "Santa" live? But of course: as far north as north gets.

Pshh. Any child is trickier.

Speaking of children, do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach our children to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any Christmas-inculcated kid with any initiative at all thinks to himself, "Hmm. Santa goes down the chimneys while people are asleep. I could go through windows while people are on vacation. Why shouldn't every day be Christmas for me?"

The Christmas season is upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about celebrating the incarnation of God -- period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to at any given moment stand straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs, "Get thee behind me, Santa!"

I'll let you know how that goes.

John Shore also blogs on JohnShore.com. He'd like you to like his Facebook page.)